on buttons

pictured: i imagine penelope entrenched. asleep in a rocking chair with nlo and klo pulling at her arm.

buttons: in a recent email battle btw someone i cannot donot understand i reflected upon 2 of my hot buttons as i did a long lap around the office with my friend to the bathroom- 1. silence, it's completely menacing and drives me nuts. you can't argue with someone who retreats. you just can't. my natural reaction is to blow them up via launched miss'iles. and why, oh why would i want to just wait for them to come back? i've never been good at waiting. so why bother! going to bed angry is toxic anyway. 2. people thinking that my anger is "amusing"... you know the kind. you're furious. they're smirking. sometimes you need to be laughed at but it's an almost instant, "i want to throttle you," then maybe like a year later you'll think, okay, that was funny. then feel like an idiot. it's never instantaneous. you thenceforward burn with shame whenever the memory asserts itself, that or burn with fury.

jobs: a most lauded reader and commentator asked how i found so many jobs, or why maybe or who, what, when and where... it's so hollywood. and it's just my luck. i wouldn't say the luck was good but there must be a twist if i keep finding them. granted i have those moments where i feel i just need to get on with life- quit dancing about and find something where i can be responsible again, possibly in charge. teaching for instance flashed across my mind on the way to class. it does sometimes. catches me totally unaware. i reject it hours later as totally improbable at the moment but it's not all the way out.... but it's definitely nowhere near in. but mainly i can describe myself as an itinerant entertainment worker. and here in LA its pretty common. i just can't be part of the service industry as retail alone makes me suicidal and temping (doing those office rounds) disheartens me to despair...though i keep going back to those dysfunctional relationships... i've so far found that going from finit to finit 'freelance' gigs to be the most easy, detached and commitless way to get around. as usual i hope it leads to something, where people would actually be happy to know i have multiple degrees, am an avid test taker, crave order, am highly creative, and an independent worker... plus i'm learning french! but so far with each hope of something long term and better paying has been dashed by personality conflicts, lack of funds, poor timing, backstabbing, buyouts, moves and all the things you can imagine might be part of 'hollywood'... i am not unlike the unhappy actor who goes on interview after interview waiting to be picked up and wanted... but i think i'm proof that there is life after job after job and that there are better and worse and common threads run through them all. it's not very hard. so be brave and get on with it. just go. it'd be interesting if my dating life were like my job life- either way i'm looking for "the one" and haven't found it. i really am very sure what the one might look like and because i've had so many i know what i don't like, can't tolerate, shouldn't have... but i'm waiting to be surprised. i'm totally for hire.