dear penelope,

happy anniversary. it's been like 3 whole years. we made it. we've managed to communicate over the span of 1095 days and this our 1201st post. thus begins our 4th year! we amaze me.

and to think i've known you for almost 8 years. you're the best pen-pal i've ever had. a friendship made of letters. every day(ish), every week, all the while.

today the weather is all cloudy with patches of blue. i hope it rains. i'm in corporate land and i have a slice of a window thru an office. the place kinda creeps me out but its familiar. there's time to study french, watch my tv premieres on line... the VP i'm next to is going on maternity leave today. and i pretty much have 2 very specific things to do. and if it lasts till december, that'll be good enough for me. maybe i'll make it out of the country soon... it's not like nothing good or exciting has happened to me. like hello, new car, hello employment for over a year- even i was stuck at borders for a portion of it- hello waterrafting and chicago, and kayaking, and hiking and beach walking... my whole life a flash of brilliant bluesky photographs.

it feels like fall. coldish. something bright and brief about the light. a closing. dormancy. (that just took me forever to spell) i felt myself forgetting how to say 2200. like uh, 22- 0-0? or oh two, two hundred... maybe this blog will be a record of me going totally insane. all those lifetime movies have to have pointed to something.

yesterday this greekfood place i've been waiting for opened up- had a gyro and fries- sooo good! this weekend i'm suppose to see a movie with my aunt/uncle and amber. but neither of the movies we want to see are at the local theatre- which means driving to unfamiliar territory- so i have no idea if they're up for that. mom and dad are at the avocado festival in carpenteria. which- house to myself. it never seems to be enough though. i wonder how much truly productive alone time i get. and maybe that's part of the twitch- not putting thoughts to the page, no paint to the canvas. what is it about creating things that makes us sane? balances us. makes us breathe?

i think you're right about me feeling out of character. but i don't know how to assert my identity- how did i become out of character? why does yourself suddenly fragment to unrecognizable. i don't get it. or is it because the friendships are so new- i don't know if that's it either. anyway. i feel that after gradschool i am not me. i don't know who i am- why should it take so long to get to know yourself- the same old self but destabilized- different characteristics, older eyes.

i wonder if i'll be sad when i'm no longer mistaken for a post college 23-24yrold. i saw more grey hairs creeping in. which was kind of cool but ominous. like i haven't earned that signifier of age. and i wonder when i'll feel that.

so- i'm staring off into space, so i better go, like my thoughts are lost- would just start circling back themselves- so yah, till next time. till tomorrow. till then. be well.

stay present,
as always and forever yours,
Mendacious, Queen of Asides