Is Resistance Futile?

Over the last decade, especially in my more anxious and paranoid years I latched onto betrayal and trust as a concept litmus test for friends. Can i really trust them, and do they really trust me. And if I thought you didn't trust me as a friend I really did relegate you to the lower orders. (I'm really much more sympathetic now, Ithink) TRUST. Part of me had to believe I could, no matter what, count on their friendship like an anchor lest i be caught adrift- but people as well as friendships are not made of unbreakable iron stuff, usually. Thus my constant disillusionment. But it took on larger significance as i began to identify certain qualities in people in general that I would then say, they'd sell me to the gestapo in a second. Or, a very few, I think they'd fight with me in the resistance. Obviously I developed a bit of a persecution complex. Something I've been honing since my early youth. This is me- and that is THEM out there. And i would, and still innately but more quietly, do apply that standard to everyone i meet and every place I work. Which takes on in each instance the epic quality of the apocalypse, hostile takeover, warfare, catastrophe and disaster. What would they do, what would I do? And WHY. My curiosity at the very least of trying to understand motivation has opened the door to compassion but STILL- the inevitable fact remains: would you sell me out to save yourself?

Last night amber and I stumbled upon this test from okcupid and we thought- how appropriate! – about whether we’d be Nazis or not- bcs we had this whole discussion at dinner with dad about how he should be an advocate for people who go thru bullshit with building and safety since he’s so traumatized- and he said its no use, fighting, it’s all corrupt and horrible and you can’t change anything- I was like, that’s horrible dad- you’re why nazi germany happened. (And my dad is 50% german so this totally matters.) And for one second I saw a wry smile play on his lips like he’d been had and then it vanished under grumpy old man- and he went off about how most wars- including our American revolution and the civil war only involved 30% of the population- which is such a dad thing to know- and the rest were ambivalent or more apathetic about the outcome. So then amber (who's also German and a Von at that) and I took the test- which you know, we can't vouch for the validity of- but onward, only 5% precent of all test takers are members of the resistance and the rest- EEK!—mom took the test and she was an Expatriate. (meaning of course she fled or escaped the country which i imagine we helped her to do and felt really good about as we stayed on and faught. mom really shouldn't be there to witness the horror anyway, she should go on and spread her light to the world) I am proud to say both amber and were members of the RESISTANCE… so then we sent the test to dad- but mom informed us he was asleep on the couch. it’ll be funny to see what dad gets- when he’s not busy falling asleep or making aggressive racist and defamatory remarks at dinnertime just because he can, and because its easy- what is the old man switch that suddenly you loose all social decorum and grace and the ability to communicate- granted he’s never had the latter- but I can’t believe he spoke like he speaks when he was 31. you should've heard him at dinner. he'd like to believe that, as we all at one time would, that we'd fight for what we believe, help the persecuted and the downtrodden or stand against what's patently wrong- but MOST really wouldn't. I mean he won't even fight for the principle behind the small things. But lets not be disheartened. Not all of us are fighters and we don't need to be. so those that do have a voice should use theirs when they really need to. that's all. It's just a curious thing to ponder and of course it just gives me one more thing to print out and know about myself, like some validation for what i've always believed about myself and how really i need to find my very own rare resistance fighter to love me and carry me off. but how hard are they to find?! I mean 5% yeesh!

Then of course, promptly after, i took my Know Your Own Death test- and accordingly I will be living to around 2057. And dying of a heartattack at the ripe age of 76. This has always seemed to be a good age to die to me. I may feel differently later as it seems a bit far off now but for the record- just in case- i'm okay with it. and of course if you know of anyone who would also be living to about that age and is male and a member of the resistance also- you can feel free to send him my way.