good/bad

It occurs to me that I mentally measure myself against other people in terms of "good" and "bad." Like, this person is markedly more frugal than I am, and therefore they are more "good." Because I should be more frugal, even more than I already am. Or, this person gave birth naturally, i.e. without the assistance of pain meds, and they too are more "good." They wouldn't even consider the meds as an option; I on the other hand, was like okayyeahdopemeupa.s.a.p., please. And I knew it would be that way all along. To these "good" people, whether or not we are friends, I feel like they see me as "bad."

Then there are comparitively "bad" people--not saying whether or not I approve of the badness. In some cases, I wish I could be more bad. To these people, I feel like I'm seen as "good," sometimes too good. Like goody-two-shoes, or worse, like high-and-mighty. Like I'm not enough of a rule-breaker, and I floss every day, and I like to clean and cook, and I clip coupons. And somehow a "bad" person who sees me as too "good" might think that I think they are bad for not doing the same, or that I'm above them, when really I don't think that, at all.

It seems like I make the best connections with those I see as closest to me on the good/bad perception scale. Like I see myself as a person who is for the most part "good," in that I try to treat others nicely (while retaining snark!), and generally try to "do the right thing," but I also have certain vices and quirks and other "badnesses," which I do try to own. Everyone has vices and quirks and badnesses, but not everyone owns them--which isn't a matter of "good" and "bad" but something else entirely... And some "badnesses," quite frankly, I'm proud of. Although in the presence of "good" people, I don't know that I have the confidence to convey it.

Of course it's all a matter of perception, and maybe the "good" people don't see me as "bad," and the "bad" don't see me as "good." You can't crawl into another's brain and find out, all you can do is speculate. (Or better, not worry about it.) And I suppose it doesn't really matter except for the way you feel around others, and how that in turn affects the way you act. Like, around a "good" person, do I bend too much to what I think is also "good" in their eyes, so as to make myself sound better or try and relate to them more somehow, and/or am I compelled to say and do "bad" things more often in their presence, because the person is so "good?" Like what must they think of me? And around a relatively "badder" person, do I act marginally prissier, or does it just seem that way in my own head... are my silences speaking louder than I mean them to? I think about it so hard, I probably I just seem wishy-washy.

Ultimately, isn't all this good/bad perceiving judgmental? Judgmental="bad" for sure. But not in a "good" way. Judgmental could seemingly fall into the "good," i.e. "high-and-mighty" category, which is so not desired. On the other hand maybe it's just as bad/pointless/etc to be judging oneself the same or harsher as everyone else. Maybe when it comes to me being relatively "good" or "bad," it's just me I hear talking after all.

Around those that I connect with best, I don't think I'm thinking about whether I'm being seen as "good" or "bad." Around those people, I suppose I'm just me, just pen, and all that other analytical crap falls away. Although, in being "me," I can't help but be analytical... Hmmm. Time for a cookie.