Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Crying in the Aisles

we're doing a massive RPL at work- which means we're combing the sections for books to send to purgatory. a lot of the books i'm like, oh yah, that needed to go back where it came from, but some i'm like, aw i never got to read you. and then suddenly i'm sad that all the books are being sent away, and wonder where they go or if they're burned up in a conflagration. one in particular was a picture book called angelo. i stood there and read it unabashadly in the quiet of the morning, about a man and his care and nurturing of a pigeon and how he was this craftsman accomplishing his lifes work and by the end of the very short book i was crying, and thinking oh my god, what is WRONG with me, as i glanced around for any witnesses- i never used to act like such a girl... and lately a few friends and i have all had these peculiar girl moments... i ponder it like a disease that i've been stricken with- as i quickly mopped up the rivlets and sniffed and tried not to think how sad and beautiful angelo was. sniff, mop, mop. why is it i find myself crying? just put the book down and walk away. possibly i've become a healthier person, or at least that's what i used to tell myself... more expressive, vulnerable, compassionate... except for that overwhelming- I'M A FREAK- feeling... though i know we all do it. maybe? and why? but in general i'm against tender moments... sometimes i wonder why everyone feels the need to cry at funerals but i guess we all generally get caught up in a feeling sometimes- whatever those are.

today i read sisterhood of the tp.2. most all of it elicitly caught up and neglecting my work, but it stopped the internal monologue- which went something like, please i have to go. let me go. why can't i go. god? why can't i go? is my replacement here? this is what i will be telling my replacement... . i can best describe it as a storm in the summer- humid- hot in chicago. and the pressure is building and the thunder is cracking and you're just praying that it'll break and the rain will come with that wippet of fresh air as everything is getting drenched. but why won't it come? as everything just builds and builds... the context of all the tennesse williams plays become clear and i find myself in the deep south waiting for something better and possibly crying over all the cruel tender moments of life and death and time ticking by, and a book right then in there is like stepping out of the storm and into a quiet place, with just the hum of central air kicking in.

7 comments:

Somebody's Mom said...

But you are such a girl, with your palying with dolls and loving little pony and puppies and strawberry shortcake, oh that's right and then you went from 6 years old to ancient.

We have so little real thunder in la la land that we must have literary thunder. Love TW's plays live with the thunder first a far off and then close. It's like "danger music" but not.

Pirate at Night said...

Send the books to my 12 children . . . they read! Seriously where does "the man" send these no good toss outs? Plus its tax deductible its really a win win! Hey ready to start on my website? I still have a coupon does that count?

Kurt said...

I want to read angelo.

ashley said...

When I read The Glass Menagerie in high school, I loved Laura and the gentleman caller. But when I was the assistant stage manager on a college prodcution, I realized that Tom was the most awesome cynical, hopeless dreamer ever. Love him.

If it makes you feel any better, I cried watching Sister Act the other day. No apparent reason...just suddenly felt like with all that Maria Maria I needed to shed a tear.

penelope said...

isn't it like as you get older, you start getting in touch with your opposite personality facets? like you were a "T" your whole life, and now you're becoming a little bit "F." i've been a "J" my whole life, but more and more i feel like a "P," particularly with staying at home all the time. perhaps the turnaround age is 30? discuss.


also, i've never read sisterhood of the toilet paper. is it a spinoff of traveling pants, except they're a gang of hellraisers, t.p.-ing all the neighborhood houses as they live, laugh, and cry their way through the angsty teen years? sounds magical.

~sarah said...

i think i agree w/ pen's personality 180 theory. i was uber introverted and i find myself becoming more and more social as i get older. i'm 27 now, so in 3 years, i could be a party girl...

btw, crying at dumb stuff is one of my shames too. i don't do it a lot, but when i do... a while ago i cried at this 20/20 special about these two kids with downs who "overcame the odds" and got married. yeesh.

SW said...

wow. that was so poetic. i cry alot too. it just means you're human, and not android.