Why leaving the house on Saturday was a Mistake.

aka LONG RANT
Today i was in a coma brought on by lack of protein (hence the late blog). The crap i'm eating is so not cutting it. Like the bean dip and chips i'm eating right now. I did however make it to Yoga. My one success of the week thus far. Which brings me to my one failure of last week, and how sometimes I conclude that I should A. boycott all west coast friends B. boycott going out to see anyone to avoid life or conflict-both. Now usually as happens I have people in my life who invariably bring me back to the fact that all of humanity shouldn't be wiped out and that good times are too be had by leaving the house. Yet I remain wary...

Usually when I have a lot of events to go to or to chose from- its the all or nothing rule. At this point I'd narrowed the field to: goodbye dinner with friend and art opening after. It was ambitious socializing. Both of which ended disasterously. For one thing, my friend was leaving LA for good- which made me breathe back tears on a few occassions. So already the evening is tainted- the bad service, the expensive prices only built there on- to my already wary low-blood sugar self. I get 2 calls. I tell both in coming friends that there is a free 90 minute parking lot- i tell them where it is but neither absorb the information. One person in particular took quite offense that I would not give them my $2 so they could park in a metered spot- This makes no sense to me- tell me if I've wronged them here:

Mean Friend: Okay, I'm here.... Do you have the $7 you owe me from last week.
Me: No. I need it, that's all the cash I have. I didn't know you needed it.
Mean Friend: Well can I borrow $2 to feed the meter....
Me: Why aren't you parking in the free lot I just told you about?
Mean Friend: Because I'm not. I'm already running late.
Me: Park in the free lot.
Mean Friend: (Click)

She arrives and I can already tell she's mad. She borrows $2 from someone else, right in front of me, nay in fact, says, I'll pay for your iced-tea. To further express the fact that she's such a generous person. She then leaves. Goes to make change. Walks back to her car- is gone for a good 10 minutes and returns, to sit far away from me. On leaving with the other friend to go to the art opening, in all civility, I tell her where we're going. She then starts in while my other friend is in direct ear shot- and asks me why I wouldn't give her the $2 and help her in her time of need. We go back and forth and I say in all candidness- I wasn't in a place to hear your need. You should've parked in the free lot- and further, this isn't the place for us to discuss this. She then says, up in my face, Well I needed to tell you before I get any more pissed off than I already am. (End conversation)Ooo. Burn. Ouch. I feel scorched.

Now, the deep seeded rage has begun- clearly I should've stayed home with Veronica Mars and Henry James. I act normally, express my goodbyes, tell my other friend what percipitated the outburst- yet inwardly, heavy metal doors are shutting with an alarming fierceness. I go to the art opening. We talk about the art, we chat, we wander, we sit- we socialize. I manage to tell a few stories, converse with the artist and am about to make my exit. Except that Mean Friend comes just as I'm about to get up and in some sort of sick politeness sits with us, bcs we allll waved at her when she came in. I am now faced with a similar problem. Ignore her and leave or in some way acknowledge her presense. The evening murk thickens further with the arrival of two more people right after(a couple, friends #3/4) which I've spent the last 4 months extricating myself from- painfully. So that whenever I hear what's going on in their lives, post-fact, I feel jealousy shoot thru my heart, that I am no longer privvy to that information, emphasizing again and again how I am no longer a close friend, and that i perhaps shouldve had that 3rd glass of wine. Further they hem and haw about a story their telling, which reminds me of a couple conversations i've just had:

Friend #1 (whom i love and adore): (What did you do for the 4th?) I went to a thing with some of the so-and-so's. (Um, when telling a story is it just me or do people usually include more specifics? This particular friend usually doesn't, but already a penalty flag has been thrown onto the field.)

Friend #2: (What did you do for the 4th?) I, uh, went to a BBQ with some uh, people. (Well? Really? The plot thickens.)

Friend #3 and #4: So then we were standing in so-and-so's house and then blah blah blah- (Oh really? When was that?) It was uh, uh, uh... oh, like a few days ago- (You mean for the 4th?) OH, YA. IT WAS FOR THE 4th. (Pretty absent minded people. Considering at that point it had only been four days ago. Someone has just been ejected from the game.) I manage to act normal with them also, even making eye contact with Mean Friend once or twice to include her in the conversation. Deep down a part of me is breaking from that information alone- not for being excluded on the 4th. That's not it. It's that by their evasion, which lets face it are straight up LIES by omission if nothing else- tells me something. It took 4 people to get to the truth. The facts- the actual a to b part of the story, if that. When really all I needed to hear was the truth from one person. Which in itself is no fucking big deal. There was a BBQ. Who the fuck cares, regardless if I had wanted to be there, or not, or if I didn't even belong. That's the root evil of being in an elite circle. You make people feel excluded, by making it known that you did not want them there, that they weren't invited, no matter what. Period. BCS you do everything you can to keep them from finding out- to say that you were trying to protect me is a lie. Or to spare me. It's also- a lie. You are protecting yourself from feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I was just being polite by asking. Next time I vow to not make polite conversation again, next time I will grab my drink and walk to the otherside of the room- don't tell me i'll say. I don't want to know about your life. A dark storm passes over my eyes, it begins to rain heavily, but no one knows it.

I begin to despise these social civilities and yet- it's not that I would want to act rudely or not try to repair the damage, i would. i'm not 5. Or am I? We all realize thankfully that it is much too late- We get up in unison and we break apart, managing to avoid any other direct meaningful interaction. As I drive home I can feel the poison leaking into my heart and i flood the compartment with forgetfulness so that the memory of the evening isn't ruined... i feel that i've entered a dramatic victorian novel. i fan myself. i think of 'the awakening'... of poor virginia woolf- and wonder why, when i asked God to show me the beauty in people I am just further reminded of their small pettyness. MY own to be sure too. No mistake. (Such small little events, stacked upon the heart, to set it breaking at the slightest prick.) Today i get a text, from mean friend- who won't call- we should talk, i have all day, before this goes on too long... too long. too long.

I leave the message unanswered. I shut off my phone. I vow to not ever see the light of day again, well until I have to, or there's good food involved, or maybe a movie.