Bonus! (you found me)

from time to time i bury posts- don't go on a treasure hunt though, few and far btw. maybe it's bcs i don't want anyone to read it but vainly want someone, someday to read it for posterity- or something like that. i don't know. i'm bored at work- i need protein. i've put my head phones on and am listening to kroq. i'm not working. i just went on mys/pace. looking at past friends and looking at their friends who used to be my friends and are no longer and seeing what they're doing with their lives. slightly irksome. but at least they're not dead. i am glad of that. i guess. but then somehow having excavated myself thru name after name, slight histories and escapades, i have that emotional chill on the back of my neck and my arms are tired- sort of needing to shake it off and exctricate myself from the past- and then realizing i still don't know what to think about a lot of things that've happened recently. its like knowing you've dealt with your "past" but then realizing the past is always stock piling, and maybe this last 7 years i've dealt with very little... and then thinking well how can you... but then, why wouldn't you. to trivialize it seems dangerous, but anything more seems to exaggerate it- it is as a blip upon a map of your life and yet there it is still, blinking quietly at you in some room you never oft enter.