reality alert

Okay, look, I just can't resist. For all of you out there even mildly interested in reality television (and I may be the only one), you must check out this list of upcoming reality shows. Here are a few of note:

1. Dirty Dancing: Living the Dream - Tentatively due 12/6/06 - Thirty women under the instruction of six professional male dancers compete for a chance to perform in a stage show based on the movie. (On WE. Sounds really cheesy, but for fans of the movie... the movie was cheesy too. Which is precisely what makes it such a classic.)

3. Hair Trauma -- Due March 2007 - Go inside Ellin LaVar’s full service Manhattan salon. (Also on WE. Um, if it's anything at all like Blow Out?)

7. Gene Simmons Family Jewels - Due 8/7/06 - Similar to "The Osbournes" but with Gene Simmons and his family. (On A&E. He was entertaining on that School of Rock-type show on VH1, so sounds kind of hilarious.)

9. Sons of Hollywood - Due Fall 2006 - Second-generation Hollywood sons trying to reach fame. Includes Randy Spelling (Aaron's son), and Rod Stewart's son, Sean. (On A&E. Tori has a brother, wha?!)

15. My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding - Due in Fall 2006 - Similar to MTV’s "My Sweet Sixteen" but with weddings over $500,000. (On VH1. And maybe a little like "Bridezillas," too? Ooo, juicy.)

19. The Surreal Life: Fame Games - Due Fall 2006 - An all-star elimination edition of "The Surreal Life" that will feature previous cast members competing in challenges for a $100,000 prize. Hosted by former "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" host Robin Leach, the all-stars list includes: Emmanuel Lewis, Ron Jeremy, Traci Bingham, Vanilla Ice, Brigitte Nielsen, Chyna Doll, Sandra "Pepa" Denton and C.C. DeVille.

20. Surreal Life 8 - Date TBD - Cast to include: Randy “Macho Man” Savage, poker player Phil Hellmuth, Peter Steele of the band Type O Negative and playmate Tina Jordan. Other rumored cast includes Carrot Top, a member of Blue Man Group, and actor Dabney Coleman. (Both on VH1, of course. I'm so pumped, I have nothing more to add... Although, Carrot Top? Gah.)

24. Twentyfourseven - Due late 2006 - Seven friends try to break into the entertainment business in Hollywood. Modeled after "Entourage" and shot in a "Laguna Beach" style. (On MTV. Excellent.)

28. Rob & Big Black - Due Fall 2006 - Follows a professional skateboarder and his bestfriend/bodyguard. From the producers of "Jackass." (On MTV. Someone I know is working on this show, so we ALL have to watch, just because.)

30. The Carters - Due Fall 2006 - Aaron and Backstreet Boy brother Nick Carter team up with their three sisters in hopes to bring the five siblings closer. (On E! This sounds so god-awful, I don't think I'll be able to help myself from watching.)

32. One Ocean View - Due 7/31/06 - Follows a group of New Yorkers during their weekends in a summer house on New York’s Fire Island - described as "The Real World" meets "Laguna Beach" for adults. (On ABC. And "The Real World" And "Laguna" aren't for adults? Huh.)

41. HBO is developing an untitled reality "Sex and the City" capturing the lives of women within an undecided big city. Produced by Amy Harris, former Sex and the City writer/producer. (Depends on how they put it together...Could be good, could be awful. "Sex and the City" is too genius to try and duplicate.)

44. On the Lot - Midseason 2007 - Produced by Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett, aspiring young filmmakers compete for a development deal at DreamWorks Studio. (Fox. Mendacious--you, me. We need to look into this.)

48. Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty - Due 8/13/06 - Shannen will intervene in toxic relationships and decide if a breakup is necessary. (On Oxygen. Yes!)

45. Trapped In TV Guide - Due 8/4/06 - This hidden camera show watches how regular people react as they are "trapped" in some of the funniest, most unforgettable scenes from television classics and current hits such as "Seinfeld," "Desperate Housewives," "The X-Files" and "I Love Lucy." (Umm... Does anyone watch the TV Guide Channel, for real? Sounds like a traffic accident.)

54. The Monastery - Date TBA - Ordinary young men try out life in a monastery for 40 days. (On TLC. Sounds captivating.)

63. Master Chef at Large - Date TBA - Starting with 96 contestants, whittles to four finalists in high stakes competition serving for banquets up to 600 people.

64. Everything Must Go - Date TBA - Two hosts help families clear out their possessions and sell them for a decent price. (Both of these on BBC America. Because anything in a British accent is somehow more fun.)

68. Election - Due Fall 2006 - James Carville and Mary Matalin help high school students campaign for their school elections. (Lifetime. If it's anything like "Cheerleader Nation," I'm so there.)

81. The Comeback - Due 8/17/06 - Guests who were booted off fighting shows are another chance. (Spike. J.Lo, this one's for you.)

The following currently have no network attached:

83. Donald Trump and RJ Cutler pitching a Monopoly reality show this week to the networks.

85. Elvira wants to retire and is looking for a replacement via a reality show. The producers want to do some taping in Transylvania.

And, finally...

86. Osama Bin Laden’s niece Wafah Dufour signed on with an agency to put together a reality series following her attempt to break into the music industry as a singer/musician. (WTF!!!)

Brought to you by Penelope, TV Watcher Extraordinaire.