Nominations

I've been on quite a reality show roll lately, but I simply can't help myself. I must recognize my most recent fascinations in TV Character Land:

For the Duo I'd Actually Like to Meet and Hang Out With award, as well as the Best T-shirts Ever award: BJ & Tyler, "The Amazing Race 9." These Californian hippies are downright goofy, through and through, as they "travel in a race around the world." From what the camera shows, they seem never to be in a bad mood, and in fact, they're always having a darn good time. They're friendly, they jump around and dance a lot, they wear orange pants. They're all about the good karma. And the other night when they came in first place at yet another Pit Stop, one wore a t-shirt that said, "Bowling," and the other said, "Moms." I simply cannot convey the brilliance and entertainment value in this "Amazing Race 5" shout-out.

For Possibly the Most Pompous Asshat to Hit the Television Airwaves this Century, I nominate: Stephen from "Top Chef." Who does this guy think he is? I cannot stand his smug, smug face and want to punch it often and with great force. Every, and I mean every Quick-Fire Challenge, he smirks in his confessional and says something to the effect of, "When I looked around at everyone else's dishes, I felt that mine was far superior." Note that he has only won exactly one Q-F Challenge to date, and nearly got his Pompous Ass booted off the show last week. Condescending, egotistical, annoyingly obsessed with the best wine to go with each of his dishes, and--oh, yeah, 24 years of age, Stephen gets my vote for Top Turd.

For the Crazy is as Crazy Does award: Crazy Crazy Shane from "Survivor Panama: Exile Island." This guy doesn't even look quite right. Did you see how he was eating rice off that spatula? My dogs have more finesse when approaching their food bowls. Even Bender. Shane decided to quit smoking right before going on Survivor, a pure stroke of genius. Because you can't smoke when you're on an island, right? Well, for the most part, other than when you randomly win a reward challenge that allows you to eat a big meal with some of the locals who happen to have some cigarettes on them, yes. But, just because you will have no access to cigarettes for up to 39 days does not mean this is a good idea. You are also going to have limited access to food, clean drinking water, and a good night's sleep. You will also be playing for a million dollars in a game of strategy and strength. Dude, now would not be the time. So can we chalk up all or most of Shane's bizarrity to nicotine fits? Well, sadly, no. The Casaya tribe kept Shane around as part of their alliance, figuring he'd be easy to knock off later. Now some of them seem to be regretting their decision. Two words, people: Loose Cannon. (And watch this sucker win the million bucks.)

Lastly (for now), is the Damn, You're a Piece of Work, but I Love Watching You Anyway award: Oh, Jonathan Antin, of course it's you. Do you feel like tearing up, man? Is this award just a huge deal? I know man, I'm with ya--we'll talk about it at the therapist's office this week and get through it together. So, "Blow Out" is now in its third season, and this time around we get to follow Jonathan in his daily life as he gets ready to launch his hair product worldwide, adjusts to being a new father, and as always, cuts great heads of hair. And it's all about Great Hair. You've got to admire his level of confidence, anyway, and the level of seriousness with which he says things like, "I love the smell of hair product in the morning." And the level of fear he inspires in virtually everyone he works with. It's crazier than Shane. But, he does get, like, $500 a haircut, and a whole lot more for house calls. Obscene? Yes, yes it is.