Dear Penelope,

You know how i get things locked into my head about experiences and things to do and checking things off a list- i had to. It just seemed the sort of thing I've wanted to know about. And you know i have a hidden, not so hidden fascination with being in the military. And jlo was the perfect brother figure man guy person to show me how to shoot. And I did 'em proud. And he said, how can you come to the south and not shoot? Perhaps also, i'm owning my republican land possessing roots. Right to bear arms, and rabblerabblerabble.

It was all a very strange affair. This care and keeping of guns. Of course jlo was like, well you'll probably be aiming for an intruder, up close, like this- i was like um? aiming? at? an intruder? what? Possibly I am just getting in touch with my inner warrior self. If i under extreme circumstances had to take arms and go into uh? war or uh something? You know with the impending governmental collapse and all. Or I suddenly found myself working for CTU. Also guns are so abstracted in my mind as something on tv or classified for use of the gangmembers on the wire, or of course those video games i like to play- it's not like i've ever been shot, like i've been cut. So automatically knives are dangerous, but are guns? They are loud. And obviously on tv, much damage is inflicted by people wielding guns- forensic files for instance is great at illustrating the point- down to trajectory and words like 45,22,9m, and magnum and shellcasing, kickbacks, blast, and internal damage. I had an uncle for instance who killed himself with a gun- and i think did he really know what it was going to do? I wonder. Or was it just an ownership of power and spending it regardless of what it leaves everyone else with. But would i ever think of owning a gun? These sort of glintingly toy like evil things of mass destruction? They don't seem real like fish don't seem real. They're that far away from my world of bits, baubles and green.

Maybe? Using one you gain respect for it. I don't know if using one makes you treat it casually. I think the reverse. Because when you hear the gun, like when i went into the range, it was a sound that kept making me jump, and when i fired it, i felt exhausted after a while. The constant, boom,boom,boom against my body. I will say I have pretty excellent aim for having never shot a gun at 25ft, but for a rifle when i was 8 and 9. (and of course, thanks archery) But then as you keep going and the small pop pop pop of the 22 seems easy, and the boom of the 9m as it throws back your hands at every discharge- it does get familiar and it does get just a bit easy, and just a tiny bit empowering. Because as idle as it seems, its oddly physical. In charge, in control, focus, repetition, a goal and the might of a gun going off in your hands. The sound and the force, and you feel empty and cleared of something. And if i ever aimed it at someone I don't know if i'd quite be prepared for the consequence. Unless of course they were zombies or we were in the apocalypse- then all bets are off.