from the pen-archives

(Outtakes, because some are just sad, rather than funny-sad.)

“100 Ways to Get Through Work from Now Until January [Hey, maybe should do the same kind of list, m!]

100. Make paper chain w/ alternating colors in the manner of counting down for Christmas.

99. Use ALL of your vacation and personal time. That’s four personal days + six vacation = a whopping ten (underlined three times) days off. TAKE THEM.

 

95. Remember that

a) people are stupid

b) it’s just cell phones.

 

93. Who cares.

92. With money from said wretched job, buy once a month:

a) something cute to wear

b) something cute for the baby.

91. Think that if you can get through this, labor might be plausible.

90. And when you make it to labor, remember that at least you won’t be at work, talking to asshole New York Metro customers.

89. Think about what you want to rent next from Netflix.

88. Try to remember worse days and worse situations, i.e. working at the spa, or working at McD’s (think salt, heat and grease).

87. Imagine eating french fries at McD’s.

 

85. Break down time in Seinfeld-like increments: minus bathroom breaks, real breaks, hold times, call work, etc. – it’s like five minutes until the end of the day, really.

84. It is literally 3 hours and 45 minutes x 2 = 7 1/2 total possible time on the phone, really.

83. It’s just phone calls.

82. They’re just people.

81. You’re just “the company” while you’re there.

80. Pay attention to the people around you, having just as great a time as you are.

79. Pretend you’re dumb, like the girl down the row, thus making you less sensitive to customer attitude and your own mistakes.

78. Think of other places – London, Chicago, Paris.

77. Plan what you’ll eat for lunch or dinner.

76. Become consumed, in the manner of an all-consuming but mild cold, by your latest symptoms/changes in pregnancy.

75. Perform puppet shows starring customers.

74. Motivate self ~ kid will be spazzy if you’re too spazzy during pregnancy. Or at least she’ll be a worrywart. [HOLY – !!!]

 

72. Invent alternative cocktails, other than The Warm Bath.

71. Pretend you just got lost on the way to the grocery store, and simply, temporarily, landed at this desk.

70. Pretend you’re on a show like “Candid Camera” (shouldn’t be too difficult).

 

68. Remember not to let anyone stress you out – who are they?

67. Cry sometimes, preferably not at work.

 

65. EAT CRACKERS!!!

 

63. Shuffle paint colors for new house around in your mind.

62. Try to vent to those other than your husband [HAHAHAHA].

61. Go to doctor, pay nothing [really good insurance at that place].

60. Hang picture of the little guppy up on desk.”

 

And then it ended! Disappointingly. Tsk.