Conversations

Today I engaged in an actual, mind stimulating conversation. It sort of blew my mind. Like I was emerging from a void and gasping for breath. The thing about school, which i loved and okay loathed was the constant conversation. You could find anyone at a turn and drop into a topic, and classes were non-stop must have dialogue-thons- about this theory, and that meaning, and for godsake WHY... and legitimacy and hacks and whatever. And this absence is occassionally why i find myself becoming more ignorant by degrees. Also, where I've been lately, I find it difficult to enter into conversation naturally- you know, you either feel stupid or like your butting in or worse acting like a know-it-all though i often will act the smartass for pure kicks. I can't help it. I find the death of wit disturbing and will carry it on with me to the grave.

So, at lunch after a discussion about what THAT smell was in the kitchen... this guy who happens to be one of my people- he didn't think so at first but he can't fail after i pointed it out- was to recognize that i'm a theatre buff and a writer- he is therefore after a couple months of disinterested hostility, willing to talk to me, and of course launch into those absurd dialogues like theatre people have about being on other planets and being other people- and you either roll your eyes or play along- he was having a side conversation with our inv.manager and said, so that's why you didn't recognize me, i'm in my true form- I said, oh well that explains the tail...

His head whipped around and soon after we were in a debate about the heartless devouring nature of "Hollywood"... and in many ways we deduced it's like a college town- in that most are transient and most are not at all committed to it- and hence could take or leave it- i see the non-local population as leeches occassionally- who are here for what they want and could take it or leave it- the ambvilance is damning. anyway, from there it was about the 'river' and why people in the hills would have houses in the pathway of a dam in a place known for quakes... and then onto silly topics like global warming and weather- which no, we can't control and very nearly most always can't predict. and when suddenly the lunch hour was over, i was like-

gasp. oh my god. what was that. i feel so... so... ALIVE.

of course, that was quickly wicked away by the still, empty bookstore- an empty cart, emaculateness and nothing to do. I paced. I paused, i sat, i futzed... and tried to figure out how i could get that feeling back again.