Great.

Dear Sarah Hepola,

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart down to my tippy toes for your recent Slate article about why you took down your blog. And in fact, I wanted to ask, can we be friends? It turns out, I really need more discipline in my life, and I think you're just the girl to help me. For instance, I blog way too much, not about things like "American Idol and my kitty cat," like you did, because well, for one, I just can't get into this latest season of 'AI,' in spite of my adoration of Simon Cowell, and two, I'm allergic to cats and therefore can't have one. I do tune into 'AI' every now and then just to see what bleary statement falls out of Paula's mouth next, for entertainment value, but I'm more prone to blog about everything else I watch (please refer to the following blog for an almost-complete list), and my two dogs. It's shameful, really, and I'm embarassed of my bad habit. And here I've been trying to pretend that blogging is Actual Writing. That blogging and commenting is actually a productive use of time, kind of like a daily regimen of mental calisthenics, not to mention an enjoyable cyber/social experience, rather than a behavior nastier than chewing off your own toenails instead of using a clipper.

But I think with your help, Sarah Hepola, you can get me back on the straight and narrow. Maybe even *gasp* get me to watch a little less TV--with the end result that I finally start writing The Great American Novel. So when I'm at the next high-falutin' gathering of publishers and writers, and they are in the midst of showering me with Ivy-laden compliments, I'll have a hearty "YES" to whip out of my back pocket, rather than a meek "no" to their next, inevitable question: "But do you have a book?"

Because I don't, Sarah Hepola, and I'm embarassed. Every writer needs a book, and let's be honest, my MFA thesis was cute and all, but no one's ever going to publish it. I need to get cracking, and clearly it's the blog that's sucking up all my precious time and talent, preventing me from The Only Goal a Writer Should Ever Have (a book deal), and not the fact that it isn't the right time for a book just yet. I used to think that writing a book required things like Inspiration and Drive, but now I know that all it really requires is the elimination of Useless Time-Suckers, such as blogs. Thank you for your insight; I'll credit you always. Maybe we'll do lunch?

XOXOXO
Your New Pal,
Penelope

P.S. My favorite line from your article, which I plan to print out, post on my mirror and refer to while brushing my teeth:

"At times, I started to feel that jokes and scenarios and turns of phrase were my capital, and that my capital was limited, and each blog entry was scattering more of it to the wind, pissing away precious dollars and cents in the form of punch lines I could never use again, not without feeling like a hack. You know: 'How sad. She stole that line from her own blog.'"