Good day to you,

We're already angling for an early out today. Me mostly because I want a thai massage, and my days have been solidly booked for the last 7 days, including tonight. Also I'm feeling slightly dizzy, and as a result out of sorts. Having woken at 6 with the knowledge that something was settling in my inner ear. And then being jerked awake, heart racing by my father who stopped in the cavernous hallway to bark in my door way. M! I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GO TO WORK! Me, having realized nothing was on fire, sat up slightly and gazed at the clock. It was only 8. I slumped back down and said, I don't have to be there till 930. He said OH. And then muttered to Bodo who was curled up at the door, I KNOW BODO, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. He then turned away and shut off the house fan and left me. My body now humming and unable to retrace its path from slumber. Lost. So then having plucked chin hairs and contemplated how getting pink eye would be awful and checking email, and what was that weird little blister in my eye, realized that time was actually ticking down. But then i realized anyway who cared if I was late --

And we all came in after 10, anyway, thankfully. Mostly because the EP is on a shoot and not in the office. I also found it completely necessary to shower. Which i swear I hadn't done in a week at least. And shave. And use an exfoliating sugar scrub. I am usually a fan of night showers but I caved to the morning due to just having hit a limit of tired. The accumulated going here and there from 8am-1030pm caught up with me with a vengeance. As in the meeting last night i blurted out very sharply but it IS frustrating! IT DOESN'T just SEEM frustrating. IT IS. And really it could've been about anything, (not just the chain of command or getting things "cleared" even though i said, um hello are we vetted or not? What IS the point...). Because really it was about how the information was being communicated. And tired me of the same rhetoric just sort of snapped. Sometimes you need people to help carry the weight of your grief and not just try and undercut it with platitudes about sympathy and needing God's patience. I was lost for the rest of the evening. I had already previous, posted on my FB that i was feeling recalcitrant. And it was infact a harbinger of my entire fuming mood. I collapsed into myself during prayer and my interior life felt mostly hostile until i calmed down and even then my tongue was making snarky comments about how so and so was wrong and how secretly it would be awesome if we staged a coup or came on with the french revolution. Why not. I was lost to reason and in desperate need of dessert and a nap.

This all brings to mind a prophetic word one of the guys spoke to me the other night about being Deborah and one of the judges. I simply, besides my rebellious spirit, do not understand the need for authority. In that i am mostly self governing and related most to Gods grief when the people wanted kings instead of listening to God themselves. I was sad for Him...So the need for rules and regulations when i think the Spirit will do as guide enough does not satisfy most people. And yet the primary argument of last nights post outburst was we want the people to pray, and some of us don't want us to exist as a 'governing/advocate' body- is there a difference- yes, probably, does it matter, bcs it means that people won't have to take it on themselves if we're there- and my belief, as well as Richard Fosters is that mediators are endemic not only to western culture but to all of mankind. We want interceders, watchmen on the wall, pastors, governors and whatever else. I don't have the article with me otherwise i'd quote directly but we have a need to be told what to do. And though I have lately come under some healing in regards to the menace of leadership in my life, my latent natural self reasserts itself in frank confusion and bewilderment at such bureaucratic trappings- church, not church... what have you. I mean i get it. But you know i really don't. Secretly I cannot grasp the fact at all. Which is why I am better suited to judgeship or the life of a desert monk or some such away from the city place. And i suggested that it was Gods grief this person was carrying and they said, yes but like the prophets of old the people are always called to repentance. And then I and another said but even like Jeremiah you can rail and rail and the people will do what they will and Gods wrath will come and you'll most likely be chucked into a cistern. You cant just dissolve the group bcs you see a flaw in the system.

Anyway the rest of the group were champs. Sympathetic and relating to me softly and diplomatically. Able to articulate and interpret why it is frustrating, what we should do, how we should carry on. And it made me feel so comforted that I really felt I didn't need to be there at all. And thought more than once about getting out of the group. But maybe that is the mistake. You need me hammering on as the other voice hammers on. And it causes a lovely dissoance enough for the music makers of the world to do something really beautiful with it. I don't know. And i take my warning that when you need rest, its not just about cutting ties, and putting roadblocks up but withdrawing slowly to quiet and making no rash judgments in the interim.

More later i suppose. But I'm tired. And there's photo searches to do, and veggie chips to eat and netflix to watch, and lunch to think about.

I hope you are well. And the great room repair of 0'10 is going well. I miss you and the growing up of your kids. I've had not the chance to point out these few crinkly gray hairs i've gotten or the audio book i'm listening to and my love of the gothic novel. But soon and someday. And hugs to you anyway. squuush. and sigh.

m.