So yesterday I went to Szu-Hua's concert downtown. I have no idea who katvon d (she was hosting it), why her voice is so deep and was distracted by her sparkly gold 4inch stilettos...is, but i loved listening to the music. It was one of those things where the price was right and the adventure seemed on par with me. I didn't tell anyone, invite anyone else for the secret fear that if i were given a minute more to think about it I wouldn't go. Even up to the last hours I was fairly convinced I didn't need to go despite that I bought the ticket and told her i was coming. But anyway I took the train and even switched cars when someone got too loud or obnoxious for me to bear. (It was this girl on the way back posturing about her own kind don't like her, and she's ready to stab people. riiiight.) This is the only time i really long for my ipod to be working. Anyway- The classical music took me to all sorts of lovely visual places. The last piece seemed to me a vivid cream yellow, though it was entitled 'rain'. And at one point a red dragon flew me into a clump of trees and left me there while the world started dripping red and yellow swirly paint around me. There was a piece called 'gluttony' that was really my auditory favorite. And which I lack the skills to describe.
The only thing I was combating while i was there, was the sinking realization that this temp job i had agreed to interview was thee worst possible thing for me. It was like, at the time i swallowed the pill not realizing its disastrous effects until it was already traveling down my esophagus. The temp woman who wants me to retool my resume, offered me an interview with a 3month assignment- pretty nice of her, considering the competitive field of even temp offices. Until I crunched the #'s and the horrific realization that I make as much on unemployment, and it would be for something I'm not remotely interested in. And an equal realization i need to be way more grateful if my 3rd ext. comes through. And i wont know that until next week. But anyway faced up against that, I'll take anything, do anything- suddenly seemed really wrong. Like I was trying to walk away from a place that God deliberately had me in. And that to walk away just to walk away seemed flawed if not perilously ridiculous. Though I'm sure it would've been fine either way. I was bound up with anxiety in between beautiful strains of stringed instruments, though I think one of the pieces was geared for that- the need to deep breathe. So anyway I called her at 830 which was as long as I can wait, in between the sinking feeling that i was getting a cold, but I'll continue to blame allergies, and she was perfectly nice about it as I rattled on about needing to get ready and blahblahblah, its not right, yadda, yadda, inner voice, screeching No! in the dark all night, etc,etc,etc.
m.
5 comments:
Yes, you must listen to inner voice - especially if it's screaming!
The music sounds lovely. I can't say how many times I've decided on an activity so last minute. Sometimes it's just the thing to do.
K.ren
ithink. that.iknewi swallowed something yuck as soon as itwas inmy mouth. and i knew i even thought i should ingest it out of fear but i didn't want to take it. and. that was not the right way. im reading this book, right? and it is saying you can't hate your job, you'll just nurture hate in all aspects of your life, so you can either do what it takes to do something you love, or love what you currently (or 'have' to) do.... so that is an exercise for me. and so I think, even though everyone's experience is different... if you felt like you had been walking towards something? don't stop walking, or change courses out of fear.
and maybe we've had this conversation before and we are circling closer anc closer into the freedom place. i hope. PS also have you talked to tiffany k at ecc? she does shows, like Unique LA- which was really cool. I love buying stuff (when i'm not on a spending freeze) and loved so many artists showing their works there. if you feel like continuing your wearable art
I ponder this too... where the line is between surviving and doing what you have to do and not driving yourself crazy by doing something you hate or that at least seriously stresses you out.
Sometimes I think our generation is spoiled, to think that we are so special we should all be able to have jobs we adore when pretty much everyone else since the dawn of time has had to work, and work hard, at things they disliked in order to live and support their families. Those folks took pleasure outside their jobs. And we do too. Why do we think we should have it all? After all, wasn't that part of the "curse" God laid on Adam?
But then there is also the fact that we do live in a time where we have opportunity and more chances to have jobs we love if we are smart about our decisions. And can we be productive members of society if we are unemployed? Probably. So is it really so bad to hold out for something you'll love? Should I quit the job I dislike soooo very much, with no prospects, for my sanity and health?
For me, I think the bottom line is that if I'm not working towards something, if I'm not working and able to pay my bills, then that, too, is unhealthy. It makes me lazy. It makes me feel useless. It causes my productive muscles to get weak and scrawny. It makes me feel like a burden. So while I will not work just anywhere doing just anything, I will work somewhere that isn't perfectly perfect just to stay sharp and in control. Is that good or bad? I don't know.
PS - Pen, I saw a job that sounded perfect for YOU, but you'd have to move to Los Angeles! : )
Yah i'm a bit torn. Kerry for instance was completely irked that I didn't take the job. She thinks I'm just taking advantage of the system. It really bothered her I would chose to stay on assistance... To some degree I am but I'm also bidding my time. I remember Pen, you and your V experience. Thats what its like for me here- that panic, increased heartrate, literally woken up by the hammering of no,no,no even if it would be "good" or "something new" or whatever...there isn't a rational explanation necessarily to my acute physical/emotional response to a temp job. No one would ask an accountant to labor in the field or suddenly take up brick laying and yet artists are suppose to just stick themselves wherever they can, eeking out mean and desperate existences, bcs that's what artists do- they suffer. They hate their jobs. They moan that there aren't enough grants in the world to support them. I acknowledge certainly that I have it really good. Better than most in my position. Which should make me a slave to output to take advantage. I feel, W, that I am walking toward something difficult, that seems impossible for me to do and i think i might die before i get there. The ropes seem easy to reach, and i condemn myself for failing to get them easily.
And S- totally agree. And bibically speaking what is a womans labor? vs. a man. It was a mans to toil not a womans? Not arguing about this, bcs of course culturally we are in different times/locales. And sometimes its entirely tiresome and other times quite liberating. What if my sole goal besides being an artist is being a wife and mother. In any other culture they would expect me to wait patiently while the search for a man continued or i would be expected to give up and serve the family that I have. And yet here I am having to make way for something, i Have to have drive and ambition. I have neither. Granted there is that pesky money problem. My markers and debts all over town... the education i could not afford- things that force my hand- like car and insurance payments. And God is faithful to that even if he sees my cc debt as my own blight to deal with in terms of excess. But how bad should I feel (barring behavior modifications) for having it "easy"? Its a hard cultural line btw "i'm special" and so can do "anything" vs. duty and being a part of something larger of which i need to be responsible toward. I am utterly conflicted btw the two.
Mm, interesting points about biblical times vs. now. We have so much more opportunity (as women) today, and yet still feel drawn to those more traditional roots - and are somehow judged no matter which path we choose. We've traded in options for traditions so we're not stuck in some role or life we abhor, but without traditions/strong cultural mores to dictate our path, we all feel kinda lost. Floundering. Different times, different set of problems.
What's the job opp?? You know I have to know out of curiosity. :)
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