bawk ba gawk?

Last night on the first episode of Survivor: China, a man named Chicken was voted out. It makes me a little sad, because how could a man named Chicken not be a promising character. On the other hand, Dear Chicken, and this goes for some of your castmates as well: What were you thinking?!

Apparently many of this season's contestants, no matter where they hail from, live in a cardboard box. Have they never watched the show before, really? At the very least, did they not realize they were signing up for a 39-day camping trip? I don't care what the producers told me, if I were on my way to film a season of Survivor, I would not be wearing any of the following clothing items:
a dress
a skirt
high heels
dress shoes of any kind, really
a suit jacket
fishnet stockings
fashion combat boots
an impractical bra
jeans

Because you know, based on many past seasons, that there is a good chance they're not going to let you take your gear, and you'll be stuck for however long you're on that island with just the clothes on your back. Interestingly, maybe even suspiciously, China is no Panama in that the contestants don't look all too drab wearing their everyday clothing, particularly in the underwear department. But still. Fishnets? Really?!

Beyond clothes, there just seems to be some ridiculous strategizing, or lack thereof, among this cast. Chicken, I'm sorry, was just dumb in essentially throwing a 3-day-long temper tantrum when no one would listen initially to his advice. Refusing thereafter to give any opinion on any subject, even when pressed: dumb. Drawing too much attention. Annoying everyone. Pasting a ginormous target on your back, making the tribe's decision at the first vote-off EASY.

Although, it wasn't that easy for Zhan Hu, considering that Peih-Gee chose after the tribe's immunity challenge loss to a) cry about it and b) crank up the Whiny-Bossy Meter to an intolerable notch. Oh, P-G, are you that naive? Yes, your tribe is clearly the Slacker Tribe, in a state of shambles, between the lack of shelter and the overall crap work ethic. I understand you're starving, you're drenched, you're beyond frustrated. But focus: Survivor. You made it on the show, let's step up the game, dear. Dave the Former Model/Giant Tool already stepped up as leader, let him. Don't attract more attention than necessary to the grating timbre of your discontented voice. Otherwise, lady, you'll be throwing back bellinis poolside with Chicken before too long at the Tribe Has Spoken Hotel.

Other apparent Survivor Idiots? The aforementioned Former Model Dave, for the sole reason of listing Former Model as his occupation, rather than Bartender, which is what he really is, currently. This one oozes I'm Too Sexy Smarm, and shall henceforth be known on this blog as Right Said Dave. Then there's Courtney, who is going to faint dead away by Day 7 if she doesn't eat something substantial, and would do well to tuck her feelings away under that buff before her excessive eye-rolling and snobby snark re: the non-city folk gets her voted off. And ah, Leslie. The Christian Radio Talk Show Host. Between you and Trish on Real World: Sydney, crying tragically each time your "morals" are called into question? Uggggh. Puh-lease. Don't even get me started on Trish, but Leslie, do you not realize Jeff was practically goading someone, anyone, to respond just as you did to the Buddhist welcome ceremony? To walk out, to refuse to participate, to cite Jesus' lack of approval? It was not a worship ceremony. In fact, it was, seemingly, a super-cool moment that maybe you should have embraced because you'll never do anything like it ever again. But, whatever. You're not cool, and I'm not rooting for you.

I am, so far, rooting for my fellow introvert, James the Gravedigging Superhero. I'm also at least interested in the future antics of Tiny Todd and Poker-Playing Jean-Robert. Don't know how I feel about them just yet, but I think they will at least be good entertainment.

This Survivor has returned to the show's roots a bit, with just the 16 players, no divisions based on ethnicity, gender, age, or privilege. No more Exile Island, thank heavens, no more Hidden Immunity Idols. According to EW, Jeffy himself likes this season more than Fiji, which is promising. And also, the crew stayed on in China to film next season, All-Stars 2, which is kind of exciting.

Finally, one parting note. Denise, you seem sweet enough, and I'm not even going to go there... Just, it shouldn't be allowed. Not in 2007, just... no.

To the potential zaniness of Survivor 15: Cheers!