Thursday, February 8, 2007

7(by)7

my thoughts lately, besides circling around our obvious awesomeness over here at pen and m- are about impatience. i think it has the ability to be paralyzing in our wanting of it- the condition, object to manifest, change or end... so that it becomes like staring at a spot of light on the wall or better a speck of dust. why won't somebody clean it. why is the dust there? just like that? shaped like that. staring at me on this emaculate white surface of my desire...

i have been recklessly escaping all week(s) into a total of 3 books. STP 2,3,4 all have been read and now onto Twilight. But oddly today I got caught actually conversing twice with another inv. person. eye contact was made with me and the manager both times because i saw him looking and taking note... and then worst my manager caught me on the phone in the section... major no. well not unlike reading in my section too. but i digress... it makes me breathe a little better to have these indiscretions and it helps to suppress my itching fingers... bcs stealing time though frowned upon does not require possible police involvement. so i appropriate it for my use and have succeeded in dissipating the restless chants of impatience from my mind. even if it will eventually have consequences...

lately i think 7 hours is theirs, and i steal from it when i can so it's actually less and the other 7 including my lunch break i do have more control over- control over the things on my list, my creativity, all of it- so what's the big? why feel so trapped? bcs i WANT it. i want something else. i want something other than this. today a friend came into encourage me in my waiting. and she said it just takes one person, one connection, one show for it to break- and then it'll be easier, things will change... and being here, knowing what i know about hollywood i found it hard to believe her. but maybe things do break in ways we don't want and sometimes they do- in my cynicism i never imagine the future in a way that i want. i hope for it but i never go to far with it bcs i don't want to be disappointed. i have no faith in things as the way they should be but i am absolutely crushed when it's told to me and it never happens. so i'd rather not hear: things will get better. i need to be okay with now, no matter how much it sucks- bcs really i might be here a while.

2 comments:

~sarah said...

sigh. i think sometimes i hope too much and am then crushed when it doesn't turn out. either way, it's living in the future - whether you are sucked from the now by "later will be better" or paralyzed in the now by "later will suck even more..."

Kurt said...

I always feel down after winning a big award - it's common.