penelope,

today 596 of 'the fast'. will it NEVER end?! or ever? i don't know. there's only 4 more days left but suddenly it seems completely unacceptable. i guess day 17 is my wall? where i get angry and start having deep animus toward everything in my life. which can be directly traced toward GOD. and sure i have a new long white whiskered kitten named Twist, and a shiny pink dress but that is not enough. i'm going to short circuit thinking about all the ways in which my life could be better- being a different person and not who God made me, having a job, being fiscally responsible... tyranny. but who wants to write a list trying to figure out a 'god not providing for me' 'failing myself' list which is humbly just a list of bills due. He has 13 days.

because honestly, any sort of thoughts i might have in the nature of impatience, bitterness, wants, desires, lacks and missings, while true emotionally just seems so, i know- arbirtary. except for the irresponsibility of not being able to pay my bills. but anyway. 13 days. I WANT DESSERT!

That's it really. Surrendering. I'd say that word is from Celebrity Rehab but i think i read it in beths blog the other day. i could totally relate. I suppose though finally my dietary constraints are met by the desert of my fiscal life. I had tried so hard to keep them separate but that's impossible. I should've lived on tuna and bologna? in grad school and i didn't. Is it God's fault I didn't ... well it's not like there was a joseph to tell me there was 7 years of drought coming. Nevermind.
I WANT DESSERT.

And i remember (unrelated to above) how i said, just think one day she'll be in kindergarten! And though this has turned out to be thee most dismal year for me of calamity plague sickness and recession we're still here- barely maybe- but finding some joy- some kitten and pink sparkly dress in our lives. this long record of complaint which has lasted i know on and off 2 years will in my memoirs be a few pages- maybe 5? in the scheme of things but we have to live and complain in the present. Here's to making it to our anniversary. Oh and to surrendering because we don't have a choice... *snarf.

m.

(ps. pro-run. i mean you know. it's there. it's sometimes a little colloseum-esque? that poor red-headed girl? lamb to the slaughter. what else is on? i can't even watch the new damages (bcs its on direct-tv). and after running out of all other tv and missing the end of my crabshow, and seeing sharkweek, i've now started watching eureka... and everytime i adjust my chair i have to glance down to make sure i dont roll over twist. i need a snack. wait what's that yes, that's right, what i really want is DESSERT. but can i have it? no. *suck.

7(by)7

my thoughts lately, besides circling around our obvious awesomeness over here at pen and m- are about impatience. i think it has the ability to be paralyzing in our wanting of it- the condition, object to manifest, change or end... so that it becomes like staring at a spot of light on the wall or better a speck of dust. why won't somebody clean it. why is the dust there? just like that? shaped like that. staring at me on this emaculate white surface of my desire...

i have been recklessly escaping all week(s) into a total of 3 books. STP 2,3,4 all have been read and now onto Twilight. But oddly today I got caught actually conversing twice with another inv. person. eye contact was made with me and the manager both times because i saw him looking and taking note... and then worst my manager caught me on the phone in the section... major no. well not unlike reading in my section too. but i digress... it makes me breathe a little better to have these indiscretions and it helps to suppress my itching fingers... bcs stealing time though frowned upon does not require possible police involvement. so i appropriate it for my use and have succeeded in dissipating the restless chants of impatience from my mind. even if it will eventually have consequences...

lately i think 7 hours is theirs, and i steal from it when i can so it's actually less and the other 7 including my lunch break i do have more control over- control over the things on my list, my creativity, all of it- so what's the big? why feel so trapped? bcs i WANT it. i want something else. i want something other than this. today a friend came into encourage me in my waiting. and she said it just takes one person, one connection, one show for it to break- and then it'll be easier, things will change... and being here, knowing what i know about hollywood i found it hard to believe her. but maybe things do break in ways we don't want and sometimes they do- in my cynicism i never imagine the future in a way that i want. i hope for it but i never go to far with it bcs i don't want to be disappointed. i have no faith in things as the way they should be but i am absolutely crushed when it's told to me and it never happens. so i'd rather not hear: things will get better. i need to be okay with now, no matter how much it sucks- bcs really i might be here a while.