Saturday, August 20, 2005

2 Years to Check

Remember a while back about how I talked about to-do lists. And how i have this one on my desk that's 2 years old. Still working on it. Well yesterday I signed up at *gasp* Central Casting. Same principle. Central Casting, if you haven't heard of it, good job, way to be anti-hollywood, it's just for extras. Union, Non-Union: Taft-Hartley seekers. Literally over 5,000 people, calling in on one line for a chance to be in the "background", for a chance of "getting familiar", getting an under-five, getting discovered, free craft-service, some quick cash and REALLY LONG hours. I've been avoiding it for 2 years, even though I've been intending on doing it. Now the thing is, even as I write this, my ideas from 2 years ago, are 2 years old. I probably don't have the same reasons or motivation, but because I'm compelled to complete goals previously listed, somehow I have to do this one. I arrived with palpitations, as if it were an actual audition. I changed my shirt 3x. I'm not used to matching colors with blonde hair. I chose a light color and given how this picture turned out worse than my passport photo, I chose incorrectly. It didn't help that the camera seemed to be aiming upward, (but maybe not). I look like jabba-the-hut. I'm not being unkind to myself, necessarily, more laughing at my predicament than anything else. Yes, treadmills are in my future. Why is it that I can bike 20 miles in one day and still be way over-weight. (I know the answer, it's okay, it's not just that I'm metabolically resistant) If i were a guy, say a small linebacker, I would have the opposite problem. Can I get a redo? How to be fat, and feminine... that's the title of my new one woman show.

Now back to the palpatations: I have a problem embracing cliches. That's just the truth of the matter. I'm loathe to propel myself toward the same dream as millions of people, even if I have a better shot than they do. For instance: character actress, a young Kathy Bates or Camryn Manheim. I'm okay with that- This is for all the fat girls. I'm with you, even if I don't want to be one forever. The idea of taking speed to lose weight never occured to me though, but I digress. I play young also- so i have a future. And I'm a director's assistant. Just these two things alone give me an enviable leg up, let alone actual talent and training- than all those scores of ingenues. But what does it mean. I'm a local even. I've been watching for a very very long time.

I confess I'm shell-shocked. Being in an acting company from those formative years of 16 to 24 will do that to you. You see all these people who are so fucking talented never get a hit or a scratch, maybe one national commercial and that's it. They do theatre because they want to be discovered not because they love it- they do theatre because they love it but... you see you're always somewhere and have aspirations to be somewhere else- I'm in a 99 seat house theatre, let's go mid-sized, let's go off-broadway- let's... what about just one movie. Now on one hand you could say that I'm afraid to try- and this goes for any of my loves. But I'd say I'm more apathetic to success than anything else, because I understand the elusive embrace of it. So whenever I do something I have to be very sure as to why I'm doing it- school was for me, not for a future bank account. (Of course cool points, I want my street creds.) Even as I took all these acting classes, seminars etc... I sat in the back, very wary, not sure, and desperately wanting to be sure, desperately wanting that passion that would drive me- because it had to or else where would I be?

You see I'm just not that single-minded. It's been a hinderance. Jack of all trades, master of nothing? But what does that mean. Surely me, signing up for central casting means something. I stood in line, nearly hanging up on my director because (in a hissing whisper) I didn't want him to know. I kept it short, and nearly did. I thought, oh god, what the hell am I doing here. The lady taking my form said, I couldn't do what you guys do. I say, I'm not sure either. But there is something to be said for diving in. What have I got to loose? How could my world be any safer than it is now? A part-time job. A goal. A family home. And I can tell myself that it's just for some quick cash, but it seems to mean something else. Shhh, don't tell anyone. I wanna be famous.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So so true. Hey, the weight could work to your advantage if they're looking for a specific type...whereas I just sort of fall in that average range. But I love ya either way.

In any case I know exactly what you're talking about. Although I'm not doing more school right now, because it wouldn't be just for me. It would be for...I don't know exactly. We'll see. Maybe in the future.