2 Years to Check

Remember a while back about how I talked about to-do lists. And how i have this one on my desk that's 2 years old. Still working on it. Well yesterday I signed up at *gasp* Central Casting. Same principle. Central Casting, if you haven't heard of it, good job, way to be anti-hollywood, it's just for extras. Union, Non-Union: Taft-Hartley seekers. Literally over 5,000 people, calling in on one line for a chance to be in the "background", for a chance of "getting familiar", getting an under-five, getting discovered, free craft-service, some quick cash and REALLY LONG hours. I've been avoiding it for 2 years, even though I've been intending on doing it. Now the thing is, even as I write this, my ideas from 2 years ago, are 2 years old. I probably don't have the same reasons or motivation, but because I'm compelled to complete goals previously listed, somehow I have to do this one. I arrived with palpitations, as if it were an actual audition. I changed my shirt 3x. I'm not used to matching colors with blonde hair. I chose a light color and given how this picture turned out worse than my passport photo, I chose incorrectly. It didn't help that the camera seemed to be aiming upward, (but maybe not). I look like jabba-the-hut. I'm not being unkind to myself, necessarily, more laughing at my predicament than anything else. Yes, treadmills are in my future. Why is it that I can bike 20 miles in one day and still be way over-weight. (I know the answer, it's okay, it's not just that I'm metabolically resistant) If i were a guy, say a small linebacker, I would have the opposite problem. Can I get a redo? How to be fat, and feminine... that's the title of my new one woman show.

Now back to the palpatations: I have a problem embracing cliches. That's just the truth of the matter. I'm loathe to propel myself toward the same dream as millions of people, even if I have a better shot than they do. For instance: character actress, a young Kathy Bates or Camryn Manheim. I'm okay with that- This is for all the fat girls. I'm with you, even if I don't want to be one forever. The idea of taking speed to lose weight never occured to me though, but I digress. I play young also- so i have a future. And I'm a director's assistant. Just these two things alone give me an enviable leg up, let alone actual talent and training- than all those scores of ingenues. But what does it mean. I'm a local even. I've been watching for a very very long time.

I confess I'm shell-shocked. Being in an acting company from those formative years of 16 to 24 will do that to you. You see all these people who are so fucking talented never get a hit or a scratch, maybe one national commercial and that's it. They do theatre because they want to be discovered not because they love it- they do theatre because they love it but... you see you're always somewhere and have aspirations to be somewhere else- I'm in a 99 seat house theatre, let's go mid-sized, let's go off-broadway- let's... what about just one movie. Now on one hand you could say that I'm afraid to try- and this goes for any of my loves. But I'd say I'm more apathetic to success than anything else, because I understand the elusive embrace of it. So whenever I do something I have to be very sure as to why I'm doing it- school was for me, not for a future bank account. (Of course cool points, I want my street creds.) Even as I took all these acting classes, seminars etc... I sat in the back, very wary, not sure, and desperately wanting to be sure, desperately wanting that passion that would drive me- because it had to or else where would I be?

You see I'm just not that single-minded. It's been a hinderance. Jack of all trades, master of nothing? But what does that mean. Surely me, signing up for central casting means something. I stood in line, nearly hanging up on my director because (in a hissing whisper) I didn't want him to know. I kept it short, and nearly did. I thought, oh god, what the hell am I doing here. The lady taking my form said, I couldn't do what you guys do. I say, I'm not sure either. But there is something to be said for diving in. What have I got to loose? How could my world be any safer than it is now? A part-time job. A goal. A family home. And I can tell myself that it's just for some quick cash, but it seems to mean something else. Shhh, don't tell anyone. I wanna be famous.