i've lost my happy place

I am (how many times have I said this?) a person who needs a lot of downtime. I need a lot of downtime! And it's not just that I'm lately overcommitted with outings and get-togethers and my own self-imposed, ever-growing and totally daunting to-do list. I need the mental escape, or else I become mental. I mean, it's a really hard thing to take away from a person, like even if you were in prison and got in trouble and had to sit in The Hole for a month, at least you'd have your thoughts. Or maybe that would be a bad thing. Maybe I've just seen Shawshank Redemption too many times and am way too enamored with that Mozart scene. But that's always been a source of solace for me, the ability, the right, the capacity to self-reflect. Recently, I seem to have lost my little happy place where I go to think. If I could just have it back for a little bit each day even. Could we work out a visitation schedule? Or do I need to pay a ransom.

Missing: Pen's Happy Place

General Description: Reflection, pondering, deep thoughts like Jack Handy. A little quiet. No screaming or whining. A period of true solitude, however brief. The freedom to blog and email, connect with the outside world, but also zone out a little. Planning and dreaming. Aspirations. Organization. Patience. A smile. A deep breath, a shower. The sun shining or the rain falling, it doesn't matter, and maybe a gentle breeze.

Suspects in this case: Possibly stolen, kidnapped, trampled, and/or mangled by two very needy small persons. But also maybe it's Pen's fault, for not well enough guarding the Happy Place.

Rescue Plan: Glass of wine, some ear plugs? Dispatch of a search and rescue team. And a concerted effort on Pen's part to demand repossession, to find it and take it back.

The Zoo Doo that you DO.

I confess that during the birdshow and the macaws circling overhead I did get a little misty eyed. Sort of like when i was at work today and watching a video of these elephants help this other elephant I might've almost cried. For a Republican I am a little to inexplicably connected to the earth ; ) My friend said it was because I am an earth tauras, with a taurus rising no less. I might agree. But besides that I find zoos sort of a let down. Like the animals aren't doing anything, like ever. Just like in the wild. The LA zoo is going thru quite a bit of renovation and its going to look supberb when done but... It still doesn't quite seem to disguise that they're cages even though that's okay and that zoos are outmoded given our access to experience such things...maybe, are they. But then are they? I mean that tiger wandering around or that bear sleeping in the shaded gutter aren't real. That khuala stretching its cute but vicious little arms or the vultures eyeing the dead bunny or the seals slipping thru the water- I might as well be watching you on national geographic. I see you the same way i see a painting in a museum. Not quite in its natural habitat and yearning to be set free. Though I know you probably have a pretty almost cush existence compared to the brutality of the wild but I want you where you're meant to be especially if you're an elephant and well, I know that sometimes small places can be enough which just leaves me wishing the world was a safer place- not just because of man but everything else. The fall, the disorder of it all. But aren't you, well you don't seem to see how fearfully and wonderfully made you are. My God you're glorious. Sniff. I have to go now.

who's calling the shots?

Cirie, that's who! I kind of love Cirie, even though J.Lo is not a fan. There's just something about her, the way she's not particularly outdoorsy or athletic, but was a Survivor fan and now there she is on the island, taking the physical part of it in stride and calling her competition on their bullshit. She also just seems like she'd be fun to hang out with in real life.

Every player is in the game for him or herself, because hello, the prize is a million dollars. Cirie never loses sight of that prize, nor does she lose sight of the fact that everyone else wants it, too. She refuses to be anyone's pawn. Jonathan can be as pissed as he wants to be that she betrayed their alliance, but as she said, he's mainly just mad because she didn't vote the way he wanted her to--which would ultimately benefit him. She's not the strongest player physically, and to the two major Favorites alliances, she will be the most expendable when they get to the end. They all know it, and she knows it. But if the other players are smart (debatable), they'll notice Cirie and realize this chick's smart. I was floored that she ultimately manipulated the vote to get The Incredible Hulk voted out instead of Chet. As worthless as Chet is in the game of Survivor, the fact that he was saved shows Cirie's power of influence, and I won't be surprised one bit to see her make it to the Final Four, and possibly beyond. Go, Cirie!

And one final note about the vote-out and Incredible's sour grapes attitude at the end: hello! You can't understand why the tribe would keep Chet around instead of the strength factor? Because you kept Chet around last vote, snaking Mikey B instead (not to mention letting Natalie work you over). Ooo, karma strikes again.

Hier Midi (Yesterday, Noon) by M

There is a canyon road not far from my house and I go up it and catch the freeway often because it's like so un-LA. And there are a few trails I can bound up less than 10min from my house also. I was up there on Saturday and as we passed a herd of cyclists (who love this run) I said, I always say, do not hit them. Do not. Because though at times there is a quasi shoulder and a median other times they have to take up a lane and even on a turn you can stray into the shoulder, because the turns are casual enough that you can easily lose focus and meander. If that makes sense- it's not challenging so you pay attention less. So on this road in particular I'm always, usually, aware.

I was sailing home down the canyon road, after meeting Tricia for a possible ahem, weekly accountability session where um, writing might be exchanged and or discussed, in the middle of the day no less. I'm into this whole new discipline thing where I make myself do things to negate the procrastination factor, aka French class even if the grades are harrowing, and the possible writing despite the terrifying inevitability of actual accomplishment, then the reading through the bible thing and the noting all my workouts thing... though i know it's a slightly unstable house of cards I see myself metaphorically approaching a mountain with Jesus (of course), so I'm okay with it. This sort of perseverance training.

Anyway all this to say my self-bubble was high as I came down the mountain, though slightly apprehensive of the pressure, and it was a good time. Until, I saw the body lying, diagonal, facing away from me down the hill, in the middle of the road- a rather broad, 3 inch band of blood stretching 3ft from their helmeted head. I braked firmly. Saw the cars, piling on the left, the concerned standing cyclist on the phone, staring away from his partner, who was lying as if asleep on their side. I saw a man flaring up a blanket and I thought oh jesus, is this person dead! But then he just covered the cyclists legs. And as I passed I saw a couple people running with towels out of the house on my left, set back into the hill and the guy on the phone almost searching me like he might ask me something, or tell me something, like he just had to say something.

And I thought, oh Jesus, don't be dead. Be okay poor cyclist. I hope you're okay. And luckily as I was proceeding down the hill- all the wind from my sails, the sirens came screeching my way. The fire chief, the fire engine, the ambulance. And hopefully it was possible that the blood loss would be stopped.

And then I got home, and went to Burger King and had a DoubleWhopper w/ cheese and mayo.... and I thought, fuck it. I'm going to eat this fucking burger because that's what I'm going to do. And then I stared into the computer screen a lot and thought of my friend who seems to see accidents all the time and wondered if maybe she cursed me. But at least it was something I could tell her right off the bat without a hello- I saw this cyclist get hit. I'm totally traumatized I said. And she said, I know, right! And I'm like mmhmm. Yes!

And there's nothing whatever I can do about it.

But tell it over and over again.

As I carry the impression down the mountain.

And back up again.

first 100% of the day!

Maybe I'm an overachieving biz-natch, but I was like, soooo proud and gloaty the other day at the DMV for getting a 100% on the traffic sign recognition test!* Weeeee. The first 100% of the day, and let me tell you, there were a lot of people there. Like everyone on this side of ILM has nothing better to do at 10:00 in the morning but go renew their licenses or whatever at the DMV, seventh circle of hell that it is. Totally thought of Reaper.

But back to my 100%. (100%! First of the day!) I felt like I was back in school again, studying up, performing, and acing it. Yowza. The good old days, when studying yielded positive results, when A+B action=C result. Back when I knew what I was doing. Back when I was considered smart and capable and all of that. Proficient, even. It's nothing like my current job. You know, the parenting one.

P.S. Does this picture even look like me? I know not. But my hair looks cute, so sure, whatever. It will do for the next 8 years.

*Whenever you go to renew your license here in this state, they make you take this really dumb-ass traffic sign recognition test, where the answers are either so obvious you get confused, i.e. do you just read the writing if the sign they show has words? Is this a literacy test? or so ridiculous, i.e. a BLANK sign that you're supposed to recognize just by the color and shape, that you're again a deer in headlights. What do they mean? Are there blank signs on the road? What--why are they asking me this question? I'm telling you, it doesn't make any sense. If you don't believe me, just think about what you would say when faced with a blank yellow triangle that points to the right. Five seconds, GO!

the blushing crush, by M

I don't embrass toooo easily. I have my moments, we all do. I mean but seriously, I was a Theatre major. Like OMG you guys: I am suppose to be undauntable, indominable, um... something, something. Queen of the castle, master of my domain, whatevs. But there is something about French class that makes my face flush redhot. She asks me a question en francais and my eyes go wide, and I'm like, uh, um, huh sigh, okay. I must nip this charming cheek checking in adios! I mean it's just ridiculous.

M, out.

over-achieving biznatches.

Friend Danica said to me over tea, "If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly." Which is what I must tell myself and my 65.5 test score. However, I find myself sitting next to 3 over achievers. I said to a particularly uptight one, once we found out she got an A++, (I'm not kidding) was, "As if there was any doubt!" She gave me the side glance eye roll, mouth slightly agape. Ladies you know what I mean. It's an extremely snark-attitude-bitch laden manuever. I said, "because, hello she's a good student!" Perhaps there was too much of an edge in my voice, or I was making my point badly, and rephrasing made it worse, but somehow someway I made it sound insulting. Possibly even hate filled. What the fuckever overachiever. My friend-overachiever was down cast at her 85.5. "See," she said, "I didn't get an A." Yah, fuckin' tragic. Thuogh I secretly take glee in the fact I am much better at vocabulary without even trying! The weird-overachiever to my left got a 94.5. She at least said, "Well I took 3 years of French in HighSchool. The grammer is hard." It sure the fuck is, and not studying or procrastinating makes it worse. If you are not this person you will not relate automatically. Because in your mind, if I studied, didn't procrastinate, made my flashcards, got 3 tutors, that somehow grammatical phrasing and those wacky terms would magically make sense, not unlike Algebra, you might tell me that it's a formula to be applied, and then I would have no problem with pasttense agreement. I can only explain it in these terms: If you're not musical, try picking up a piece of sheet music and explaining what all the archs, dots, filled, unfilled, zeros, slashes and gashes mean even if you've never seen them. And applying it precisely without practice to a song you've never heard before. I say, though I know,not many understand, is that though I have a Masters in Writing does not mean I'm good at grammer or that I have to be. Is all I'm saying. Sure I went through most of my BA w/ honors, feeling like a fraud, but this is how my brain works. I learn by ear. Like some musicians learn by ear. They can hear it and reproduce it. And I don't know how to explain this to them or to my awesome and amusing overachiever teacher who knows farsi, armenian, english, french, and a little italian and spanish- that I will not understand it the way they teach it or think I should know it. Trying to communicate this is frustrating. And I suppose my belief in this knowing of me is the only reason I can eventually push off the feeling of failure, and know that eventually I will know it better, appreciate the sound and the music of the language more than the overachieving biznatches will. Because when they say, yah, I know French. Yes fluently. They will blink, possibly say a phrase and go on their grey and black, severe hair do wearing way. And when I say, yah I know french, it's beautiful and unweildy and immensly colorful- and I'm going to keep persuing it no matter how elusive its embrace-- And that is what I will keep telling myself, thank you very much-- and not feel stupider or smarter for it, but me, in all my glorious imperfections.

ta-da

These aren't the world's best pictures...they don't give the full effect because the stove isn't pushed back, and the counters aren't loaded up with all my accoutrement. But my head cold's back, and it's the best I can do, so deal. I don't think they've really sunk in yet, the new counters. I keep looking at them, half in awe, half in denial. They're just like, so nice. I think after two and half years with the world's most hideous countertops, I got used to the idea that my counters would just always be ugly, and worse, always look and feel unclean. But now, they are smooth, shiny, sparkly. Something gets on them, and you wipe it off, voila. Granite doesn't get waterlogged, it's such a novel little concept. J.Lo and my Dad worked well together, it all looks tres beautiful... My dad did the trim as well, and is making another cabinet for us with a place for the microwave and pull-out drawers for all our pantry food, and shelves for the cookbooks. Yeah. I know! And I still have to paint the backsplash and possibly the rest of the kitchen, but that's another matter entirely, something to ponder when my head weighs less and my shoulders don't feel weighed down by bricks. Oh, that last pic shows a strip of the old stuff laid across the new, just to illustrate the diff. That piece is sitting on top of our fridge at the mo and every time I catch a glimpse of it, I shudder for a second like I've just glimpsed something terribly unpleasant that I once saw in a dream.

Old Person, by M

Followed by all that nutty socializing came the inevitable fall. I ditched church, puttered in the garden. Which literally I shuffled around in some drapey pants, my sandals, a cup of tea in my hand, moving this, moving, that, slowly, standing around and musing alot. Nodding my head and saying, mmhmm. Yep. Sometime later I went to Mimi's Cafe to catch the earlier bird special with Amber. Having stolen my parents $10off coupon for blood donation, and reminding Amber to retrieve the Coldstones- buy1/get1 free coupon. We made our way around 530pm, found parking right up close, muttered about all the kids working there under 20 and looking like ashley simpson and lindsey lohan, and how it took forever and the fish was just okay and that if we weren't so relaxed from working out we'd sit that manager down and give him a good talking to. We found our way to the local icecream shop, which was in a strange and new part of town and then talked about how our friends had taken us to strange places without warning us, like a wake and a hospital visit... We made our way home by 7 and shook our heads that we were home so late and sat down to watch that dreamy clive owen and that lovely cate blanchett. and called it a night by 930. we were exhausted.

Social, by M (bonus post)

Usually I'm pretty reluctant to go places and do things, that I have no interest in, but sometimes without warning I've agreed to too many things I do have interest in. It's an all or nothing sort of thing. Saturday I embraced the do everything, anywhere, in an all out leisure adventure. First hiking with GrainofSand, and Amber. She says, that reading the blog would be like getting a recap on what she's already experienced, so she doesn't, since I tell her most everything. She's like the more snarkridden, more sarcastic, critical, more pragmatic, less artistic, more driven conservative side of me, who also watches bad movies and is less adventurous with food.;) But anyway she powered us up the hill at a fabulous place but did not enjoy the flowers by the narrowed path, or how the valley stretched below, or how the cool mist ascended on us but it was a good time. As Sarah humored my musings about the flowers and the weather and was slightly less annoyed by the dogs then Amber... So then, Danica made tea for me. I have fabulous friends. There's no denying. We watched prehistoric birds at the Arboretum, observed all the cherry and fruit tree blossoms, got misted on and walked and walked and walked and did not feel the time past one bit. Then Kerry called me and I made way to meet her at the Opera. Free tix yo. They're having a series called, Recovering Voices, of artists who were "repressed" during the Nazi regime. Pretty interesting, and a fairly entertaining evening. Though at first Kerry didn't think I'd be interested. I'm like girl?! do you KNOW me! I go to the symphony and do other slightly pretentious things all the time. She thought though that I didn't go out at night and somehow aligned my disinterest in one activity as a broad hatred of all activities. No, just things I'm not interested in. I think that's pretty common. There's a balance between friends pushing your 'what you like' boundaries and finding things in common to do together, or doing things just because you want to spend time with them. Obviously. I am constantly tormented by this balance. When to be a recluse, when to grasp at activities, when to say, hey let's do it because I know it's important to you... being okay with saying no, but not alienating, sometimes the perfectionist side of me says, You're going to stay home and watch tv and not worry about any of it... and then the other says, You're gonna do it all and right now. But when, and how to fit it all in I don't know. But at least this day I can say was a success- everyone working together, being in the moment and enjoying life race by one minute after the next. Exhausting.