if/then/zen (bonus)

Here is the problem.
I think.
It used to be that...
How I've maintained some semblance of sanity/positivity/calm as a parent is...
(Besides getting a good night's sleep.)
I did away with expectations. I didn't lower them, I just did away. Because I didn't/don't know what to expect with kids. Babies. Toddlers. Tiny people running around my house. This general lack of experience has worked for me in that so many ordinary things become extraordinary. It's all new, it's all amazing, it's all so much fun. And also, my patience has increased, my need for things to go Exactly as Planned has decreased. Ten, twenty, one hundredfold.
But.
Somehow I seem to be losing this level of zen, letting it slip from my grasp. I find myself thinking in conditional statements, the If... Then of high school math. Mainly it is just, If she would only sleep, then. My patience/sanity/positivity and possibly calm might be restored.
What is ungluing me the most, though, is how conditional it all really is. Even when I am supposedly zen. One little thing slips out of place, and I feel all tweaky. Sleep is biggest. Cleanliness is next. Lack of sleep + lack of cleanliness and I'm really a mess. Which is why in the middle of the night, I'm thinking such thoughts as:
If the FISH TANK weren't so murky/algae-filled.
If the RUG weren't filled with spots.
If the DRINK DISPENSER on the fridge didn't have that weird-ass patina to it that I can't scrub away.
Then maybe I wouldn't feel so agitated?
Must remember/recall/recapture zen.
Must get some sleep.