So a certain tier2 to tier1 friend was asking me about how i view friends and she said I was one of the most loyal people she knows- which simultaneously freaked her out but was reassuring (basically that's how it went i think) but anyway, i am loyal to a fault. Enough about her (let's talk about me!) I've learned over the years to not be so possessive. People i gravitate to, I'm careful not to latch onto unless they reciprocrate to some level. I laughed over my lemon grass chicken, chopstick midair- bcs it's perfectly true- i'm an obsessed fan of my friends. I don't demand much from celebrities, authors of my favorite books, famous physicists... but from friends I demand accountability, confrontation, honesty and a whole host of other taxing, exasperating things. I don't know why anyone would want me to not consider them- to not demand anything of them- because then aren't you really nothing to me? Why would you want someone who loves you and never does anything to show it, or ever let's you know it? seriously?! I'm that dog at the door barking, heyheyheyhey. HEY! My mantra has developed into, Let it go. Just let it go. Let them go. And to varying degrees it helps. I don't know how I got so friend obsessed but it is as my friend described a sort of nesting instinct- to have all my friends in place makes my world secure, makes me feel at home whereever I go- So when I do demand, and i do melodramatically demand, that a friend pay attention to me, I realize it relates to me wanting my fall season shows to come back. I'm through with summer even if it only lasted a week or two. I wait expectantly for their stories to unfold, their quirks, their daily lives- it's high end voyeurism- i don't want to miss anything!
When at art school I thought about cataloging my friends for an art project- high concept people! seriously! Now, I was accused of both narcissicsm and being way too nosy... but really it would be like friend trading cards. Don't you find them as interesting as I do? Look, just look at them all, they're an inherent fascination!
Now with such a friend as I am- boundaries are critically important. And it works both ways naturally. But I do think that people let friends go way way too easily- I am acknowledging the opposition in my argument when I say, yes, sometimes it's better to break up with them or to consider them more like a cousin or a distant cousin, it's not to say I don't have those sorts of friends, relative friends, but it's just too easy to let people go when youdon't have a band on your finger, bcs you can say, who cares- i'll just get more friends, better friends...somewhere. I'll just stop calling or emailing them- but a better thing would be, just let them know where they stand, remove the guess work, and set up healthy guidelines- your friendship will last decades! I was going to say more on boundaries but my chiro just called me and i have an 11am appointment. YES.YES.YES. I have lost all focus. I'm f'in out-of-here.
5 comments:
Wow, I totally love your blog. I want to tell you about another great blog, its called Daily Banterings. If you go there, you won't regret it!
Ok, I kid. What's up with these anonymous and annoying spam comments popping up these days? Y'know? You think someone really appreciates you, but all they want to do is show you how they made some extra cash. Geesh.
But back to your post, how DO you just let it go? You make it sound so easy. It's like that crush you've had your eyes on since 5th grade...you know it's time to let go, but you just can't.
ooooooo, dk! are you a mind reader? i've been wracking my brains (and heart) over just this topic as it relates to a "thought we were friends but then i liked you and thought you liked me too but then i realized you didn't like me and now i'm wondering if we were really friends at all b/c you seem to make no effort at it anymore" situation. you know who it is... and then that makes me think about my relationships in general and i wonder whatever happened to that whole "best friend" thing we all had going in elementary school. when did i stop spending so much time at judy mcleod's house? heck, when did i stop talking to judy? i mean, it's like, if you're an adult and you haven't managed to stay in close contact w/ the proverbial best friend of your youth, you just don't have a "best friend" any more - not the kind you see or talk to almost everyday and who knows you better than you know yourself. you can come close, but for some reason, you just can't bring yourself to ask them to wear the other half of you bff necklace. maybe b/c we are just so used to people in our lives being transient at this point? for some reason "won't live next door to me forever" = "don't get too invested." that's dumb. invest! invest! dang it! i'm going to give it a try. um, dk, wanna a necklace? : ) if not, s-h? oh right, fear of vulnerability and rejection, that's why adults are so guarded...
woah, that comment was long. sorry, i'll use my own blog to blog next time... : )
what the heck are you girls talking about in here? Melodramatic friendships, 5th grade crushes, bff necklaces...yeah, I feel out of place. anyone want to discuss football? There are some big games this weekend, USC vs. Arizona St., Notre Dame vs...okay, I'm being stupid. Karen, the infallible sage of human behavior and relationships, please retain your focus and expound on your points. Oh how your wisdom enlivens and nourishes us, like a pleasant rain to blades of grass. Please, I beg of thee, water your lawn.
And Karen, are you really a voyeur? You seem like the type, but I've never felt comfortable calling you out on it.
How'd the trip to the chiro go?
The last few days I actually just thought about how much time I should invest with a college friend. I mean, I've gotten what, two e-mails since I last talked to her in December? (Mind you, I have left about a voicemail a month to say hi on her cell phone.)
Yeah, medical school is busy, but why put time into this one-sided thing when I could be putting more effort into relationships with people who I actually see...who communicate back.
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