thank you for your thoughtful letter re: "build your very own defense mechanism." we at the pepper sauce store always appreciate any sort of feedback from our clients, as it helps us to feel better about ourselves or, in the case your letter, inspires us to seriously reevaluate why it is we are even bothering to get out of bed in the morning.
to show our appreciation, we will be sending you coupons for insubstantial discounts on pepper sauce, as well as free tokens to use at your local chuck e. cheese. be sure to visit both the ball crawl and the mouse house, as they will make you feel like a kid again.
as for your concerns regarding the "product," which is not so much a product but a "project," i'm afraid i myself cannot help you. i can, however, forward your issues to the Suggestion Box Department, where our chief Suggestion Box Department Sorter will promptly cut the paper up into little shapes and mod-podge them artfully to the wall.
in the meantime, visualize this: you are happy, smiling, eating a lollipop. don't worry about how you paid for the lollipop, just eat away. happy, smiling. there are no clouds in the sky, unless you like clouds, in which case--poof, clouds. you have no worries about petty things like How to Earn an Income, and Your Value in Society, and the Legitimacy of Yourself as an Artist.
you are alan smithee, and you love lollipops, and in the manner of the Greatest American Hero you are, that's right, walking on air.
believe or not, there you are: weightless.
sincerely,
penelope
your Customer Care Technician
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