along the line

journey midpoint 

when i was just a little girl,as we all were when we were just a little something,I got taken by the hand.

and it's like now, I'm being pulled around where I don't want to go, but i can't object, bcs i have no will of my own, or more-over that i don't have anything better to do. and now it's like- I'm reading the only novel that I think might be good, so despite some slow passages I still have to see what happens. and bcs i'm so distracted I'm wandering dangerously close to a cliff, or on coming motorist, or an old lady with a mean dog or a thicket of gangsters and really maybe just a big crack in the sidewalk. it doesn't matter, because all i'm thinking is, i have to finish it.

(read aloud. sound- forceful. serious and slightly on the edge of sarcasm and despair.)

DAY 3 (DAY 4 doesn't come)
7:15AM- up. awake. on-line. breakfast.
7:45AM- on the road.
8:30AM- lost. appear to be trapped in some sort of nexis.

8:42AM- arrive at St. Vincent's. A huge thrift store in the middle of downtown LA. I call L and they are BOTH running late. I am on my own. There are people fervantly searching through huge boxes. I climb over mounds of clothes, intimidated by their singular focus. (the people not the mounds) I see a Jack Wagner LP and a John Denver LP. (seriously tempted). Syndey Sheldon lies at my feet. I suddenly feel obsessed with phones, as well as a red desk and a leather couch. I think, damn that's cheap. I need to remember this place. I ponder used pianos.

11:00AM- downtown LA. pass by Bradbury Building. Ross Cutlery and Grand Central Market. Also Flower Market. FIND the Fabric District. Park car for $3 all day. Only have a $100. Man can't break $100. Takes my keys. Embark on fruitless search with R to find 3 king size satiny quilted bed spreads for less than $100 in either dark dark navy, black or charcoal. Stop for a diet coke at El Pollo Loco. R buys. He gets fries. We go to Starbucks across the street and sit there instead. We read "The Arts" section of the LA Times. We see that writers are finally getting some good faith agreement power with the studios. This makes me smile. We watch a younger man at the corner, next to El Pollo, blow bubbles at passerbys, attempting to sell this bubble blowing wonder-machine. No one is buying. Just 2 feet away is a thin and slightly unkempt man begging- for what, I don't know. When we crossed the street I ignored him both times. The man with the bubble blowing wonder machine and the begging man seem to have a strange and easy peace, both tired and neither willing to concede. More bubbles. I wish i had a camera.

12:ishPM- we find "what will do". not a quilt. we call for approval. I think, I have to remember to come here again sometime. I think, maybe one day I'll need cheap fabric.

12:45- i take R to Lake Hollywood. The brown haze interferes with the majesty of our once emergency drinking water. Yesterday was glorious.

12:52- enter the backside of Universal Studios. Accidently take R's license along with my own. Discover this at 3:30. Not impressed despite wanting to be. Not by his license but by the Prop Dept. I don't know if in a past life I used to do this-- or like this deja vu moment i had Monday... where, L asks me, have you been here before? and i look, trying to remember something... and then later when she gives me a # to call I turn and look at this case of costume jewelry and right when I think "I've been here before", the phone call goes through to a fax machine, as if confirming the fact that I have in fact been here before, but moreover, have already experienced THIS before. It was a strong impression. I am left unsettled. It will last ALL week.

1-3:30- hungry. pissed off. unimpressed. i furrow my brow. colin f. with a mustache-ugh!. L says, look she's furrowing her brow. i say, reading about colin does that to people. (Have you killed yourself yet and skimmed a head) me. too. yes me too.) but i have to go on. bcs i was there.

3:30-5:00 eat togos in car. meet a girl named Sarah who works at nights of neon. she gives us a deal. i think, cool. she tells me, everyone is working low-budget these days. she says, gone are the days of the $60,000 lights, neon and signage deals. i think, maybe those days will return. I think this Neon, is worth more than me. I think a warehouse full of lit neon is both really loud and really cool. Makes me think, I should be here when it's dark and wearing roller skates-- or maybe blowing bubbles.

6:00- brother comes in from Minnasota. Mom comes home from hospital. We get in his rental mini-van. its grey. I'm wearing my new beige courdoroy jacket. We eat at Tommy's Burgers. We watch south park. he leaves. I may or may not see him for months. he says, mom, if you talk to D tell her not to despair. I think, her husband is inevitably dying- he has been dying for 4 years of colon cancer. I think, when is she going to face this. I think she is trapped in despair. it is inoperable like his cancer. my mom says something cliche like, well you know what they say about a horse- i say, you can lead it to water. she says, you can't make it drink.

7:30- mom leaves to visit dad in hospital. apparently thyroids grow? this one has been growing for YEARS. the surgeon asks, has he been putting this off? Apparently, thyroids are supposed to be 3cm. my dad's was 13cm and spread from his chin to his chest cavity. After 3 hours they could only get half out. Next month maybe the rest... She shows mom a poloroid of the thyroid. I say, did you get to keep it. She says, no. It goes in the medical file. I think, she should have at least made doubles.

8PM- lOST is on.

INDETERMINITE TIME: mom is not yet home. i've run all out of pickles.