m,

I’ve got a chicken-egg situation with my left pointer finger – bizarre, I know. I crack the knuckle because it hurts in a way that calls for a good crack, and then after I crack it, it hurts even worse. I mean, obviously I should stop cracking it. I know.

It’s that point in the summer where all the tomato plants are so big they’re falling over and there’s too many ripe maters to even give away. But salsa, mmm. And I see bruschetta in my future as well.

And why is it every time I go on a trip I come up with these completely unattainable goals, in addition to the packing and preparing. Such as: three posts in three days! (Because I didn’t write as many as I usually like to in June. Which monetarily is a thumbs down.) But that’s never gonna happen, even in a non-eventful week. But I never realize that straight away; instead I try and then get all exhausted and then finally collapse in a heap of surrender on the couch. Okay then. Revise plan to some level of reasonability.

Hey, you know that Galatians 5 passage with the laundry list of sinful acts? Someone – I’ve been wanting to mention – might have read that jauntily on Sunday. It might have made me laugh on the inside. I swear the tone was downright amused. (Although he still needs a haircut and a good shave, I’m just saying. Needs a girl.)

Today, a treadmill walk and then yoga. Possibly a post in the afternoon and the baking of coffee cake (I think?) for this weekend. Or maybe muffins. Or both. See – grand aspirations, unattainable goals.

penelope sparklers

Penolin,

Hey you.

My heel pain is acting up (brief internet search, name, suggestions to abate issue, cursing the Fall due to constant maintenance of body/space/time, stagnating weightscale) but Danica and I walked our 2.19 miles and capped the morning off with tea. I went home and unbirthdaypacked my tea gear and put it in a lovely wood box to honor it and make it easily accessible. I then found the strength to get rid of/integrate an entire large box of stuff i moved home from chi with. . . 7 years later. Hey, i know letting go is a process. Like the pair of thick flannel pants my mom made me. I probably won't ever be regularly cold enough to wear them again. And that tambourine i wrote morbid poetry all over... and that pretty glistening gift box that i'll never use. All in give away. (And today I even practiced going through facebook without multi-tasking with music and or various programming going on in the background.) What else was in the box you ask? um, Towels. Totally important obviously. A bottle of vodka and various kitchen supplies. I sorted through 2 other boxes but decided to keep those intact due to the now legend 'rental move out date (circa non-specified). Mostly so that I'm left with stuff and don't cry if mom takes her rightfully owned bottle of cinnamon and I even have my own flatware. It's not like i'm suddenly going to be able to go nuts and buy new everything. And should i? I might need to buy more for parities? uh, but still. So you know- p.r.o.g.r.e.s.s. Also I have a bag of stuff I'm going to use for project 'mega shadow-box' if i ever get to it. And sure there's like those boxes in the attic. Which really have got to uh, go... one of these.days. Maybe.



And now that you ask, no, i don't understand the copious amounts of spice to necessitate a drawer. Since fresh is best. And mom will hopefully forgive my allocation of the drawer to our gum supply. We'll see. It might be a coup. And of course something has to go in the space where the big box was.


Besides all that, and in itself, this act, really important to not sitting listless and defeated, doing work, work that wants doing and makes me happy. And that even the great mendacious can improve on what she excels at. I even emailed the EDD and was like oh hey, missing claimform etc. Whatevs. And shaking my head that panicking for 2wks (latent) was the standard MO for me for.sommmme reason? Why? Some things i can't explain. But i've been developing a little hope that the working of me will find its way out. The paralyzed jobsearch. The artistic quandaries. Lack of husband. Missing tiles. And for now picking flowers. and doing the things I can do. Even if they seem ridiculous or shortsighted or not enough.

Also, love the ponderance of coincidence v. providence. I don't think its lack of faith. Maybe its best expressed as faith at work in you? The fact that you go from one to the other. That you see after a healthy dose of emotional reaction/skepticism/oblivious and render a more solid and hopeful view of all things working towards Gods glory, which in itself is unfathomable anyway. Because we can see perfect timing, the web, the correlation of events, working against us too, and yet, we come out ok anyway. The whatever it is, resolves itself, and we see the good and trust and all of it strengthing us against the dark and time... and i don't know. On all of that, on a very simple note, it allows God to work. If there were no chinks, you wouldn't have to be shown anything. You'd be looking and you wouldn't see. There is something to eyes that see, and ears that hear even if there is a delay. Something about blessed are the forgetful... for they are constantly surprised at the awesome? ;)



Whozizzle, so before I go back to watching x-files/s8/ep19 and the 3 remaining strawberries and pondering what else to do in the 'closet' and various drawers, here is a pick of ash and me. Hello us. I recognized her right away. And felt completely comfortable. I felt bad i made her talk so much and that i stuck her back in the car. But if her only experience of the beach was the LBC i'd die. Steve totally agreed with me (d's husband). But still. I mean i hope the margaritas and the beach were worth it, but you know. And ash was totally mellow and let me ask her everything with an air as if we'd had these sorts of conversations before, yes on our blogs, seperately, but never together. and that was lovely. And i bit my tongue about her needing to get her passport until she brought it up. And I can't wait to see her go.go.go. And look at that cool owl pendent she has there. Pretty fab. Anyway a definite success. I can't say that the blogging world for whatever anyone has said about it, has let me down, if all i ever did was meet ashley would be enough. And you and I and our letters. And my friends that you now know and the mysterious kurt, we talked about him too. These things are real even if they are just letters now worn away on my keyboard, they add up to something, a definitive impression, a care and concern beyond a blip and IPaddress, and that's beautiful.

to wayfarers,
m.

m,

Oh, summer.

I’m a teensy bit restless for several reasons. Besides that it’s summer and already I await cooler temperatures and fall TV. But the raspberries sure are tasty, as is the fresh-made salsa. And the chocolate-chip cookies that actually have nothing to do with the season, but I thought I’d mention them anyway. It’s just hot. Soup. And I’ve completed 2 out of 3 consecutive road trips – all good trips and we’re of course looking forward to the last. But (whine) the house is inevitably in the need of a major purge with all the accumulation from a few weeks of neglect and the lack of unpacking, and the lack of packing for the weekend to come looms. Although occasionally I’ve gone on mini, pocket-type cleaning and purging sprees, scouring the bottoms of apparently neglected pots with steel wool or thieving partially broken toys to deposit in the Next Yard Sale pile. Which make me feel better in temporary small increments.

I love that you met Ash. It warms my heart when the worlds collide as such. If your state’s gotta break off into the ocean someday, I vote for it to zoom around to the east coast and hang out for awhile so it can be one big party. Sound good?

In a random aside, I’ve been wondering about coincidence vs. providence. Speaking completely abstractly, it seems like I mostly believe in providence, or at least I do after absorbing the facts. But my initial amazement or skepticism or disbelief regarding a coincidence – does that reflect some sort of lack of faith? Some incidental chink in faith’s armor? Or do I just need to keep remembering, absorbing over time in order to appraise a situation with the mindset of, “Well of course it happened that way. Providence.” Or, is believing whole-heartedly in providence too extreme, too gullible? Should I question it all more?

…I feel like there was something else, but what?

Totally walked today and yoga’d. Rah.

Good night…

pen

m fortunes,

While eating Chinese food tonight: 

N.Lo ~ You will be reunited with old friends before the month is out.

K.Lo ~ You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.

J.Lo & Me ~ You will soon be crossing desert sand for a fun vacation.

I like their specificity and are they not completely correct? Le Lake next weekend, and LA in a few months’ time…?

pen

m,

First thing I need to know is, can a girl eat just one Oreo? Or two, as the self-imposed limit may be? They are just so tasty. And with blue filling.

I do ponder occasionally – also – becoming a vegetarian, but then there’s the fact that I really do love meat. It’s a conundrum. Aside from the practical matters of eating entirely different diet than the rest of my company (and being harassed for it all the while). So, moving on, I guess.

But we are paring down the coffee, it seems. We’re half-caf in the morning, and none at night. Although I really would like to replace the night cup with tea. Because, yum. And it’s soothing. I just like to hold that warm cup in my hands.

I’m so jealous that your fancy yoga studio has no mirrors. I mean, it makes sense that a devoted yoga space (as opposed to a multi-class facility) would not, as they are simply distracting. I got there late today and had to take an undesirable middle spot – although I guess it’s good every now and then to check positioning, etc. Just to make sure I’m not always doing something weird that I would otherwise be unaware of. But mostly, mirrors – dislike.

Summer TV fare: what are you watching? The latest here includes Top Chef, Last Comic, Friday Night Lights and Persons Unknown. The last of which certainly has its cheesy acting moments, but Cameron from Ferris Bueller is in it, so a lot is forgiven. And it’s a miniseries with the promise that all will be resolved in a few months’ time. Also, I recorded that show Work of Art, but we’ll see. Will there be time.

I feel I’ve been cut short, but - more soon love,

pen

Dear Penolin,

This AM i vacuumed out the insides of my computer. It was immensely gratifying. I think it runs even quieter now. Though still loud. Not laptop quiet. At least its not making that grinding horror noise as it starts up now. But the insides are lovely to behold once the cobwebb was vacuumed up and the i think, a quarter inch of dust was removed from the fans that keep the computer from meltdown. But whatevs. You get this look at a beautiful motherboard and try to extricate the 2ndfan, worse than the 1st, and there's this grey film of dirt at the bottom of the conductivity whatever it is of the chip. I also backed up all my files just in case. ANyway i got so caught up in it, already 10am, I hadn't eaten breakfast so i settled for some cold chicken and an orange and am watching 'confessionsof*shopaholic'. Which I actually may gain some life advice from- perspective, whathaveyou. On not buying $5 lattes like water. Or cutting up my youknowwhat. Though these pathological liars who come clean always do seem to come out ahead and the cute you know who totally gets to be theirs in the end. But I am only 1/2 way through.

Enough about that. I don't want to grow too much of a conscience. I do need to develop some sort of work necklace schedule though. Ah, anyway, this movie is too distracting.

m,

J.Lo’s parents brought me the kids a Venus flytrap today. Ooo. A carnivorous plant. A native plant! And we happen to have a few flies around the house during this pesty time of year, so I’m just waiting. For the kerpow. In fact, when we took the lid off, I glimpsed a bug – already there? half dead? – in one of the traps, and it closed. Kablam! And another trap, already closed, looks filled and has what appears to be long insect legs dangling out the top. (See the trap on the far right?) I briefly considered cancelling TV service and just watching the vft from now on, but I suspect I’d be quickly vetoed.

According to the instructions, one is never to feed it hamburger meat. Enough people have apparently thought it a genius idea to warrant said instruction. Ahem.

In other news, I’ve given up night snacking yet again – I’m totally sure it will be temporary. Because I can’t stand not snacking at night, really. For the social aspect, for the not-having-to-share-with-children aspect. And I intended to watch the Michael Jackson Wii-Flix doc last night and ended up watching St@te of M!nd instead, which is a BBC doc filmed in N. Kore@, about two girls who are preparing for a gymnastics performance at the M@ss Games. All in honor of K!m Jong-!l. And ya think other countries hate us? Wowza. I’ve never quite seen such indoctrination of hate toward Americans. And it’s not the usual brand of hate, either, where we’re the morally deplorable infidels or something, in addition to our crappy foreign politics. No, it’s solely about our crappy foreign politics, and not even today’s politics. They are rooted in time with their hate. We’re the Imperialists that tried to quash their perfect society back in the war, and therefore, everything bad since then has been our fault.  And since you’re watching a doc, you try to be reasonably open-minded about the whole Communist brain-washing thing, the gov’t-provided housing for all, complete with permanent radio that broadcasts propaganda – which you can turn down in volume, but never off – but really, it’s a bit much. The children’s hour cartoons featuring defeat of U.S. soldiers. Sigh. I’m not quite sure the benefits of that societal approach really outweigh the negatives, but what do I know. I suppose the girls (and the families in general) seemed happy enough in their isolated country, hating America, eating their gov’t chicken and eggs, and living out the dream performing for His Greatness – who *spoiler alert* never even showed up, ultimately. Weird. And by weird, I mean chilling.

And then I watched a docu about Machu Picchu, which was highly awesome, but I fell asleep. Before 11:30. Lame.

I’m off to do something likely non-productive and avoid night-snacking. Maybe.

penelope flytrap

Penolin,

Hello you.
Ive had sort of an outofsorts, mentally confused sort of day. Like all my to-do's are trying to squash me in my head. The ipod,the necklaces, the EW i was going to read, my thoughts on the republican primary, my need to meditate, my hovering at 275, my uncle harassing me, the tile, smashing up the floor, all the books, my desire to tan, the shelf we need to cut, roses to trim, emails to return, letters to write, people i'm avoiding, people who are avoiding me, money, things to volunteer for and schedule, and then suddenly all the clutter on my desk and all the awesome eclectic decor of my room starts to squash me too. I need like, a white room or something? It definitely points to being over simulated. ha. Stimulated. Like i'm assimilating or simulating non-chaos. And yet no white room. No room to just check out in. It's hard to push it all back or force it to slot into natural order. I don't even know if my lists would help as they're all just too ridiculously varied to go together naturally. And then even the preponderance of lists or the thought, stress me out. I suppose I could just do these things like redoing my picture files or contemplating writing again, but then... ach. Oh also on littlehouseonthepraire today this one guy in total foreshadowing refused the wool coat the niles offered him and everyone else took theirs. And of course he's face up in the snow staring at mary and laura and charles, and he's like, there's nothing we can do now, come on... and the girls are all uh, wha...

I feel better after swimming, though there was this definite feeling on the way there of all the cars trying to hit me, one was definitevly swerving, bcs he was shaving in his rearview, and then in the pool that feeling of having stayed too long. I didn't even shave or lotion after the shower. And I'm back home now and I did attempt wandering outside for a minute to cut some flowers but then i came back inside without putting the broken rototiller on the curb or picking up the remains of the ivy. Oh and the ren project is totally stalled. As you know all that work was too much for mom and exhausting for dad. And I seem to be surrounded at the moment and facing off the enemy. I thought about writing down in my planner: demolish floor, but i haven't yet. I may play it by my own ear. Mom was thinking in a month she might be ready to pump the septic tank but we'll try for next week.

And yesterday i watched the unitedstates&ftara but i can't say i much like it. But 'The Guild' which apparently is this kickass webisode thing is awesome. Go catch up on it now onthenetfl*x- with all that new time you're going to have. It'll freak you out at first (the time not the guild) but it's going to be awesome. Oh and lets go from God to Fear in the book. When i get around i'll post pics and impressions of the kid and the people. Right now i'm contemplating an eye twitch.

m.
ps. mad jealous of your awesome box.

m,

I’m here! Did you think I had left? I really am slated to go nowhere, as N.Lo is still sleeping. It’s almost 11 AM. I’m eating spicy crackers from the ever-magical produce box and missing yoga… It was better not to poke the bear. He is still breathing (you know I had to check), but it does seem excessive. I expect to find him three inches taller and smiling by the time he wakes.

Also new and exciting in le produce box: ears of corn! Peaches! Which I am giving to J.Lo, because he loves them so. Must figure out a dinner plan. Also this afternoon: a lunchbox quest, as N.Lo is off to summer camp tomorrow, a last-minute thing – which means I’m going to have Tuesday and Thursday mornings all to myself. Gasp. My sanity might marginally increase. Anything’s possible.

I’m all caught up in the book, but need to know how far you’re going to read so I can give myself an “assignment.” Also started “The Lost Girls” yesterday, which is a NF book about 3 late 20-something friends who travel the world for a year to bust out of their Manhattanite boxes. Like in a soul-searching kind of way.

Umwhatelse. It’s strange not having a lot of TV to catch up on, although there’s a few eps of Glee I need to watch, and Friday Night Lights just makes me happy every week. Or sad, depending. I might have wept copiously at last week’s episode. Like I say, anything’s possible.

How is the ren project coming and do we get pictures of the pixie in your presence?

love, pen

Penovations,

So here we go. In the end of this tale, my brother arrived and didn't really praise the bathroom, but I got to shower, and mom and i continue to be awesome together. Oh and projects and my family work unless you're acting as a rogue agent like my brother who woke up and decided to fuck with my beautiful boston ivy. Makes me so mad. Danica reminds me I need to love him but he totally slashed God's art and mangled it and it won't be another year until its right again. Despite all the weeds he pulled, i should've known waking up to a shovel grating against asphault was a harbinger of doom. It was my fault i didn't bolt out of bed. I'm so going to bed early. Me needs a nap.

Anyway at the beginning of this tale we kept the original 1948 vanity. And took away all of these awesome layers of paint. Mom did the most work with the toxic fabulous goo. go mom!

here's dad littering his cigarette butts in the garden of eden. In somewhat a compassionate note he is a stress basket and did have a lot to do in a short amount of time including coordinating electrical, plumbing, dryer repair, drywall, carpentry, a car show and registering his vehicle and bathing it, and mom. The workers were: Salvador, Raul, Jose, and Alejandro. Oh, and me, lets not forget, cuz i'm awesome. I powerwashed the patio, polished things, dusted, vacuumed, and tidy-d. Cigarette butts are litter though guys, don't deny. I'm thinking a soft very light blue for the bathroom. I can't decide the color of the vanity yet but i painted the insides a rad shade of cranberry. and this is my dream tile which we must save up for. i think it goes with both an earthy yet contemporary feel? i want it to cover the vanity and the floor and small white subway tiles as the backsplash and in the shower.
and lo and behold like magic, primer works wonders! though in the right angle the spackle looked like puffy white clouds in the bright sky. and then dad got all obsessed with making sure the sheeting protected the permabase whatever until we tile and that took forever and then something was leaking after everyone left and the door wouldn't go back on right- so we don't have to yell 'virtual door' anymore- and can just shut it like normal people even if there isn't a knob on the door. but one last group effort...also i'm super proud of mom buying brushed nickle and those awesome round bulbs and i picked out the curved shower bar which rocks! and pushed for the tile being elevated past the window which seriously helps the bathroom with verticality and looking not so claustraphobic.

look at that beautiful white unblemished wall! the sound of the toilet is even different!

G O U S !

next up: crack next to door and vanity, floor, tile, vanity, new door

(just to mark how long it might take)

and

wish list: new window, new shower fixture, and onward to the kitchen.