things I used to worry about as a kid

1. That my house would burn down. I always thought about the things I would grab to save, and pictured my family standing out on the curb in our pajamas, fire engines in the background, flames eating the house. I speculated on how we would face the future with no closets full of clothes and no picture albums to look through. It seemed like the worst possible thing.

2. That I would get head lice.* One of the first indications is itchiness behind the ears, and every time I thought about it, I would feel it was itchy right there. I thought about how I would have to stay home from school and have each strand of my hair examined and combed through and deloused. And how my stuffed animals would have to be put into big plastic bags and suffocated so that all the lice would die. The animals would never be viewed the same. And all the linens would have to be washed, but would it work? Would the little head worms keep coming back? It would make me an outcast, but worse because I wouldn't even be able to live comfortably with myself.

*I'm already dreading the kids going to school, and the inevitable epidemics. How to keep them immune?

3. Dogs. Just in general, I was terrified. I was terrified of dogs of all sizes and breeds. I hated barking (actually still kind of do) because it always made me jump involuntarily (still does). I dreaded going over friends' houses who had dogs because their parents tried but never did an impeccable job of keeping the dog locked away. Whenever I saw a dog out walking, I would cross to the other side of the street, feeling tense in every nerve until I couldn't see the dog anymore. Although I still worried, particularly if the dog was unleashed, that it would hunt me down and find me, terrorize me, before I made it home.

4. Riding the bus, which is unfortunate, because I had to do it every school day. Because we lived out in the sticks, we were always picked up first and dropped off last, so the ride was as long as it could possibly be. With only the preoccupied bus driver to defend you, you were an easy target for public torment. You might have to sit next to someone with Issues: maybe they couldn't stand you, or you just didn't know each other, so it was Awkward, or maybe they smelled like earwax and salami sandwiches. When you were fighting with your friends, it was so much more painfully obvious than in school. If you were caged in with your enemies, you feared attack--verbal ridicule or (especially in junior high) physical assault. In fact, riding the bus was like School combined with Anarchy. It was just plain bad news. And also, just environmentally speaking, the potential for nausea was high. Any day that it rained and the steamy windows had to be up? Or God forbid someone decide to vomit. Then you were really stuck.

5. What we were playing in gym class. Obstacle Course Day=fun! Any game involving the hard red rubber playground balls=not fun. Horrible, in fact, especially Bombardment, which was Dodgeball, except with every ball the PE staff had on hand. Which I couldn't wear my glass for. And I was half blind. And a wuss. Still am. I don't recall ever worrying about being picked last for a team, but I wasn't particularly athletic. I was okay-athletic for elementary school, I think. I liked the games involving the battacas (sp?) where you have to whack each other and free prisoners, etc. Although I hated any game that required wearing a limp, anonymously sweat-soaked pinney in order to distinguish teams. I didn't mind free-throw day with the basketballs, but a full-fledged game? Forget that. Volleyball was okay, so long as it wasn't with the actual volleyball, but an inflatable beach ball, and if it wasn't, then I was only good at serving and then ducking. Did you all ever play four-square volleyball with the ginormous inflatable beach ball that was super-heavy but also satisfyingly bouncy? We played crab style, which got a little tricky after awhile, but it was generally good times. Hated square dancing, but everyone hated square dancing with a flaming passion. In high school, the days I liked best were line dancing, just because it was completely non-threatening, as well as table tennis, and sometimes badminton. Everything else was pretty much a nightmare, especially swimming, because who in the hell could suit up, do whatever inane water activity the teacher had planned, shower off, get into dry clothes, and fix one's hair before the next class started. And let's not forget you have to actually get to the next class on time. We had 40 minute periods, too. Forty minutes. It's just not a lot. And have I mentioned I was half-blind? And I didn't wear disposable contacts then, so I pretty much had to take them out, lest I open my eyes underwater accidentally and lose a $100 pair. So for that, too, all I saw were blurs.

He is Risen

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God: I myself will see him with my own eyes- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
(from the book of common prayer, Job)

of the ages

here i am, cat crooked to my right side. drink consumed and satiated. anticipating strawberries, sleep, easter outfit. feet crossed, socked, cute shoed, scratch cheek, shuffle hair back-forth. crack thumb. think back to drive home. think mythical. fog low in the canyon but the road's not dark. winding down-thru the mountain. byzantine voices resound something soul stirring profound. last moment of a movie, something sad or dying off. become apprehensive about the lines, about cars approaching, about going too fast and the rounding curves in the road. i couldn't write a death better. a denouement. but beautiful, seducing to a stop awarness. as the world warps around me, calls me upward. the credits roll. now home, wanting warm-hot water, submerged and reborn. tv's quiet and arm itches, just waiting to break the moment, i set the computer down.

how she hung herself

Lisi is outta there, and I could care less. Bye, Lisi! Have a good life. Have fun picking the person who wants to win a million dollars. Talk about wishy-washy. After Ravu lost the Immunity Challenge, yet again, Lisi confessed that her tribemates were a bunch of losers, and she was sick of it. I was mildly surprised, though, to see her then appeal to Alex that she was done. I mean, it's one thing to be sick of your tribemates, and to be down about losing every freaking challenge. (Although, what about her earlier comment re: not taking Reward Challenges seriously? For that alone, she deserved the boot.) It is totally another to just check out of the game. It's like, super, Osten. Go for it. Not sad to see you go.

Think about the process it takes to get on Survivor. Lengthy, I'm sure, rigorous, and super-selective. In many cases, I assume you would have to quit your job. You're there to play for a million dollars; unless there's a legitimate health reason, you might as well stick it out. But Lisi's even bigger mistake was later reneging on her desire to leave. Sorry, Lisi, but we can't "cut you a break." You just can't do that. It's one thing to say, in a moment of weakness, you know, I'm tired of this. Or, You know, I could really go for some mashed potatoes. But she made a whole speech, convinced the skeptical Alex that there was no talking her out of it.

Dreamz did quite beautifully defending himself at Tribal Council, I thought, despite some of his questionable word choices ("recipitation?). I am so proud to say that K.Lo will also one day attend New Hanover County schools and learn all about "sharlakas," or whatever the hell he said instead of "soliloquy." He verbally cornered Lisi with the simple question, "Do you want to be here?" and she couldn't, or wouldn't, answer. At that point, lying, just saying yes, would have helped her save face, but instead she clammed up, making her indecision evident. And you can't be indecisive about wanting to stay on Survivor.

So, have fun with Rocky, Lisi, on your Fijian vacation. In the meantime, can't wait to see the crew move to the Land of Sea Snakes next week. Except, does that mean no one will have a chance to find the fake I.I.? Bummer.

the job: expounded on (another obsession)

pondering and philosophizing and lamenting (long-winded) about the "job" (more accurate description of said 'job' coming later)

well okay, you've been hearing about it a lot. and its been a saga that started about 3 1/2+ years ago the minute i graduated and moved back to LA. and this vacuum of purposeless existence took over.

i said, um, so really- the entertainment industry? really? but that's beside the point. since not unlike my love life, the right jobs have been brief and ultimately elusive: i have a provoking personality. i don't play games. i can't stand micro-managing. i hate wasting my time and become resentful when i am not being used effectively. i don't do well in cubicled areas. i don't do well with people who only know the phrase "letter of the law" or don't question author-itay and are in any other way moronic and non-communicative, passive aggressive, antagonistic or evil. people might conclude that i attract this sort of drama or am so contentious that makes myself a target for being FIRED... which has actually only happened 4 or 5 times over a span of 13+ years. of course 2 of which were last year--- coincidentally. which i really think was an evil plot by satan to drive me into despair- when i worked at pottery barn he did the same thing. so i am used to his antics.

before grad school i understood what it was to be in charge, what it was to be a leader and to invest all your time and energy into something. i worked in the theatre. i was a stage manager and mostly beloved by many for my hard work and servant's heart, and was teased often for wanting to run the company i worked for (and often i did think maybe? someday?). then i went to grad school and all of a sudden i was groupless and not in charge or responsible for anything. and after all of it- those years of nothing but committed hours i snapped and have shirked responsibility of that kind for a very long time. coming back and still being adverse to delving back into theatre which was a sort of automatic outlet- has left me wandering for purpose and a part of myself, and what i miss, is being in charge of something and being needed and integral and without it i find myself empty & off balance.

for however small, i was in charge of the kids section at the national bookstore chain. and i got satisfaction from my autonomy, my ability to get away with reading in the section, and the care i took to maintain it and the compliments i got for it and ultimately the few friends i made despite all my angst. i can't believe after all of it that "they" liked me and are sad to see me go... and that if she's to be believed, she'd hire me back in a heartbeat- and i think bcs it's easier to bear- this short notice- since i start monday- is that i'm going to come in a few hours on the weekend to "help out", sort of oversee the disaster, and do what i can and not abandon ituntil they hire someone. oh, and- i get to keep my discount.

the 5 month mark is an odd one because just this last week i'd clicked into permanence, without intending to. i kept surfing internet sites, telling people with a shrug i was still under-employed but had relaxed and gone about my mind numbing business with a shrug... then friday i got a call saying "your name came up in conversation" (bcs of an interview a month 1/2 ago whom i never! heard from!!) and "come down for a PA position"... and then i got home and saw it posted on my networks jobforum and was like- well they called me after all.- but what the hell?! and then back to- that has to mean something. i went in with low expectations, thought after all these interviews of my short lifetime that it was just yet another audition. only to find they sort of had i think pretty much made up their minds- they didn't once look like they were judging me, trying to 'figure me out,' or eye me suspiciously, but existing with me in the same spot and after 25 minutes saying, well the job's yours if you want it... i sat agape!

and the producers are both gorgeous looking and everyone seems relaxed- they didn't even think my education was a strange thing. they nodded like it was something they'd considered. they uttered the words "possiblity of advancement"... what?! and things like, "is there anything we're forgetting to tell you...it's not very exciting, do you still want it?" i said... as long as i'm busy and i like what i'm working for, i'm not looking for fireworks. which is funny that'd i'd even have to explain it- which is a lot... they look at my resume or something and assume i want action and glamour. .. like maybe i'm used to it or something... i don't know. they feel bad about employing me to such a humble position. and that's nice but spare me. we all have to start somewhere and i've been waiting for almost 4 years to start somewhere. and i pray i can start here... that i've hitched my cart correctly to the corresponding track...none of my doing. and that in this shabby industrial building from the 50's with its long ass hallways and creepy stairways that i will be needed and valued and wanted... and that possibly i can entrench myself here- if only for an initial 4 1/2 months... but not just another wheelinacog but something more with a face and a name and a we can't let you go mendacious because you matter to us.

pen's obsessions du jour

1. the stomach: green/not green, full/not full, swishy/stable? when can the questions cease.

2. fla-vor-ice pops, my box of 200.

3. friday night lights, kyle chandler's smolder, and how if this show is cancelled, i might really cry.

4. certain reality game show contestants: the enigma that is Sanjaya. how Mindy Doo looks like Shrek! (freaking genius.) how Jael is still not only on ANTM, but a front runner, when she doesn't look like a model to me at all. is Renee evil? is Natasha a genius, or dumber than a box of rocks. Alex on Survivor, and how he must win it all. Mirna and Chmirna, and when they will go down.

5. understanding each other: it has to take a network, it doesn't seem like any one person can "get" it all?

bonus: Doug on Work Out, and how at 44, he died. haunting. and do they really capture his coworkers' reaction/the aftermath on film? stay tuned next week?


I tag: MyBiz, Incredible, kudzu, hats, and Cue.

walking Bug

My List of: not so interesting obsessions

obsessions re-considered due to bad writing...

1. friends: i've considered putting a binder together with their pictures and profiles. i'm that intrigued about who they are and why they are and getting to know them and never ever letting them go- i'm getting better at not smothering my bunnies but still.

2. my own narcissism: i have a file folder full of tests from emode.com and various personality tests. i read thru them and nod at how true they are- okay, well i used to... now reading articles, horoscopes or dsm-v diagnosis guidelines usually satisfy me.

3. jobs: having one, getting one, leaving one...

4. contentment: am i satisfied? why? why not? is that okay? is that NOT okay? discuss.

5. protein: it's more that because i'm hypoglycemic, meat becomes impt and so does everyone elses blood sugar levels, hydration and amount of sleep... and how much food effects the body...

(pen, please do contribute your own list; )

Um,

I got a job. . . um, wow. seriously.

untitled

placed.
ring-marked to the right.
water-wept and stained.
she stands.
(pin-dropped)
and unfamiliar.
outside
(unspoken-unread)
massages slowly,
her left hand.
eyes fixed-
brush crumbs from breast.
(she cannot name it)
and looks as cars pass
to signify an answer.
one follows
quick.
to her inner ear,
a source of her latent apprehension.
(rock to a window).
but she cannot hear.
stands idly by,
transfixed to
the hum of the running hose.
(unfolded eyes glance out)
she hopes,
like the dawn
birthed soon, and expected.
but now
shift-footed
and cold
she waits.
the dark blue
of morning
holds her.