ok so this is where,

i totally think, wait, what did i agree to? why am i here? wait, oh god, for a year? shit, really? god, that's long. it's the downside of being able to spend the morning staring at the ocean- which is at the moment terminally angry, aggressive and relentless. fun to watch until you start to fear it. you fear the wind beating at your windows all night, and the snow that is wisping everything white. who wants to go out there? i don't. please don't make me go out there. that's how i woke up. a sort of false dread and the weather antagonizing me, howling at me over the bleak churning ocean. public schools apparently were cancelled but we weren't. whatever. and this is where i get the contagion that 1/2 of everyone has and i get sick of the flux of the environment- of that dude leaving, of those other 2going just yesterday (to work in australia/to have a baby), and those 3 others with the cold. that leaves only 2 more and i never see them but for 20min in the breakroom and they're the korean teachers. and the constant, do you have a full schedule? as the sick teachers all eye me as an easy fix and i'm saying not yet! not yet! and sg gets impatient- lucky she's intuitive when i suddenly got that wounded look across my face when she suggested that a. the curriculum was straight fwd and easy... and im thinking i'm still martialing my forces up the hill. give me a fucking break. as according to her previously i would have plenty of time. 2 hours is plenty of time to design classes you've never taught before and do not have a giant bag of activities up your sleeve for, which will soon be alternating 5-8? at least, and we would take it easy until the dude leaves she said, but now with people coughing, aching and nauseous my newness is inconvinient and why dont i just get over it already because after all i am a natural born teacher, she is convinced, she knows. i secretly know to but i am slow, and i don't like rapid movement. perhaps i'm just a little seasick. that's probably it. she apologized for being direct? or something... when really it shouldve been maybe for setting up false expectations, and i said, there's just a lot of pressure and i want to do it right- she said, oh but those lesson plans if you sub the teachers are very clear-- when it all looks like cryptic goo to me- hhhSB pg38 lxwxrx2x4x5, flashcards, object,... seriously. oh right, phonics. oh,k. and vocabulary. right. ok. and let's not discuss the baitandswitch of 8-12 to now 6yr old kindie class that i have every-day. that one poor kid, he didn't even come back. now only after i don't know- 5 days i'm all TGIF. it's a little too soon. i'm not sure if it has to be such a frenetic environ or if i'm just so disturbed at the molecular level that i can only take so much agitating before bad reactions start ocurring? poss-iblee? oh well bedtime for me. tomorrow lessonplanning at home so im not all gah, leave me alone!at work, and hopefully snapping this coldBS right off my back. can't buhlieve it. cruel world. and then i'll be all oh, smiles, and goodjob! whoever youare, you poor confused little one. me too, little one. me too.