Sunday, February 12, 2012

ok, pen-

so it's a small island and i'm all nervous and stuff about talking about things but how can i relate the chaos i'm walking into? so that's why i'll do it here i suppose? i dont know. whatever. i'll try not to stress.

Person X: (there for 6 months), quits and feels called to talk about how person S is unhealthy and needs to change. They quit. [Christian]

Person Y: (there for 10months) is fired. Rather shitty regardless of whatever was going on, since it was probably more a personal issue than a professional one- so they get no bonus and have to pay back their flight and whatever. Yikes. They also tell it like it is. [Some sort of Christian]

Person Z: (There for 2months, takes Y's side, has bad attitude) is fired and moves on. I'm now replacing them.

Person A: (There for 3months) is taking it one day at a time but is probably going in 2months [agnostic christian]. Also tells it like it is but is trying really hard to keep a level head and give the place a chance but one foot, clearly out the door.

Person B: Keeps to themselves. Has been there a while. Seems to sync with S pretty well.

Person ME: calculating how long i would need to stay to extract myself and try again elsewhere by the 3rd week. And it's not that i don't think i should be there.

KTeacher1: Moves to another continent
KTeacher2: Maternity leave
KTeacher3: Leaving soon for another continent. Replacement coming soon.
KTeacher4: ? Is staying?
KTeacher5: Going back to school next month

I dont know. I mean it's not about the kids. It's the energy of the school. It's the headteacher. It's the owner. It's the administrator (same/same). You go to sleep on sunday with a tight chest and you wake up on Monday feeling dread. It's possible the whole place has bad mojo. I don't know. I just know that even with the learning curve, and the transition that there's way more going on than just getting used to a. new environment b. a new job and c. a new country. . . i mean yes routine, homesickness, physically being elsewhere, and everything all of it being different but literally walking up that hill to school is a threshold of something else entirely. I felt it grab me on wednesday, march through me on thrusday and trick me into trusting it until it betrayed me on Friday.

It's not that I dont think i'm suppose to be there because i do. I actually feel called here to help S specifically. There's just a wicked battle happening here. I don't know. It's very cloudy. Sickness and all. And apparently S has been sent messangers before me. Which makes it even crazier to me now that i see the pattern. Everything I sensed and picked up- red flags, alarms... has me going ok. I'm here. Why? How am i not going to get sucked under? It already trounced me and brought me to tears in week 3. How can i overcome it and see through it on top of all the normal obstacles? I don't know. I'm going to have to start fasting or something. Seriously. Because I know I didn't make a mistake. It was suppose to be here, this place, this job... but holy.



pen said...

oh man. big exhale. I have to ponder some. on my way to church, will write soon. xxoo

Anonymous said...

Remember that the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the in the world. This keeps coming to mind as I think of you and the situation. - D

somebody's mom said...


Bruckner said...

Awesome, you're actually there! I can't believe it! Please excuse my course language, but this is fucking exciting! I just spent a half-hour catching up. I'm so fucking jealous. You're on a real, genuine adventure! I really do wish I were you right now! Ignore the chaos and uncertainty and embrace the opportunity you have! Keep the details coming, especially the part where you meet someone and fall in love! Perhaps it will be some sort of Korean shipping magnate. Or a fellow teacher. Or just some other American you meet randomly at a laid back bar one night. A chance meeting, one in a million. The kind of place where foreigners sometimes go to smoke cool cigarettes and discuss the world and what it all means, a sort of cafe terrace similar to the one van Gogh captured in Paris so many nights ago. I'm green with envy! The chance to feel passion; compulsive, uncontrollable emotion, where nothing else in the world matters but the touch of your lover, what an opportunity you now have! I'd give anything to be you right now!!!

m said...

i've missed you most of all bruckner. im glad to see you're catching up here. i was wondering- i mean you said GO! and there i went and then not a word!

jeju is for lovers. a girl can only hope and dream- perhaps on the peak of mt. halla or near the cherry blossoms in spring, or perhaps the great lava tube on the east side of the island... so many possible places. i had hoped maybe at the fire festival but the flu kept me down. if i dont succumb to the death energy at my work maybe then i'll meet my man at the starbucks... or the emart... we'll both be looking at which tangerines to buy, our hands will touch...

almost anonymous said...

Maybe you are there to be the warrior after the messengers. Or the judge keeping the calm and objective focus amidst the chaos.

Praying for you, friend!