today 596 of 'the fast'. will it NEVER end?! or ever? i don't know. there's only 4 more days left but suddenly it seems completely unacceptable. i guess day 17 is my wall? where i get angry and start having deep animus toward everything in my life. which can be directly traced toward GOD. and sure i have a new long white whiskered kitten named Twist, and a shiny pink dress but that is not enough. i'm going to short circuit thinking about all the ways in which my life could be better- being a different person and not who God made me, having a job, being fiscally responsible... tyranny. but who wants to write a list trying to figure out a 'god not providing for me' 'failing myself' list which is humbly just a list of bills due. He has 13 days.
because honestly, any sort of thoughts i might have in the nature of impatience, bitterness, wants, desires, lacks and missings, while true emotionally just seems so, i know- arbirtary. except for the irresponsibility of not being able to pay my bills. but anyway. 13 days. I WANT DESSERT!
That's it really. Surrendering. I'd say that word is from Celebrity Rehab but i think i read it in beths blog the other day. i could totally relate. I suppose though finally my dietary constraints are met by the desert of my fiscal life. I had tried so hard to keep them separate but that's impossible. I should've lived on tuna and bologna? in grad school and i didn't. Is it God's fault I didn't ... well it's not like there was a joseph to tell me there was 7 years of drought coming. Nevermind.
I WANT DESSERT.
And i remember (unrelated to above) how i said, just think one day she'll be in kindergarten! And though this has turned out to be thee most dismal year for me of calamity plague sickness and recession we're still here- barely maybe- but finding some joy- some kitten and pink sparkly dress in our lives. this long record of complaint which has lasted i know on and off 2 years will in my memoirs be a few pages- maybe 5? in the scheme of things but we have to live and complain in the present. Here's to making it to our anniversary. Oh and to surrendering because we don't have a choice... *snarf.
(ps. pro-run. i mean you know. it's there. it's sometimes a little colloseum-esque? that poor red-headed girl? lamb to the slaughter. what else is on? i can't even watch the new damages (bcs its on direct-tv). and after running out of all other tv and missing the end of my crabshow, and seeing sharkweek, i've now started watching eureka... and everytime i adjust my chair i have to glance down to make sure i dont roll over twist. i need a snack. wait what's that yes, that's right, what i really want is DESSERT. but can i have it? no. *suck.