Friday, January 14, 2011

I find myself staring at the ceiling -

A lot. It’s vaulted, and I like the applied texture. It’s not popcorn. It’s actually very nice and interesting and I bet if you stare long enough you could find shapes, like in the clouds, or maybe they are all just dandelions, like the kind you wish on and blow into the wind.

Anyway, I had a mild meltdown yesterday about the propane bill. It might have involved some tears and a slamming door. Because I can be a total baby sometimes. And can’t stand to have the children see me cry over something as stupid as money – so why not just make a smaller, less obvious scene... I knew it was coming and should have had a glass of wine before opening it. Anyway, we’re responsible for the last fill, which I totally get, but we also have to “buy out” the fuel that was already in the tank before we moved in. And it’s a big tank. Grand total $610.32. Crap – it’s not even 2PM yet. Too early? Wine? Oh no, just some whine.

This week I’m grieving the loss of my job, which admittedly, I had the “luxury” of quitting due to, um, creative differences, but it’s still a loss. The snipping of a tether. And I have absolutely no idea how I’ll connect it again, if ever, although I fully assume if God wishes it to be so, it will.

That God. So mysterious is He. At what church will I land? I mean, I really had sort of counted on the Episcopal church continuing to be the awesome place that it has been for us, but contrary to appearances, their kids’ programs are not actually very developed. Little ones are left out, relegated to the nursery, which is an okay place but not very… populated? Where is everyone. So I found a really terrific program at the Methodist church a little further down the street, and the staff there are super-nice and intelligent and welcoming. And the kids seem to like it already. But um, it’s Methodist. To which I say, what about me? I really connect with the Episcopal service. I suspect the Methodist service is not nearly as… ceremonious.

Anyway, blah blah blah. Maybe it’s a trivial distinction or even a trivial problem. I’m sure it is. But I do feel like throwing up until a boot comes out when I think about what we had at the church (beautiful sanctuary, service, youth programs, friends, and more) we left behind. Sadface. I’m not good at this whole “building up a new life” thing. In fact it might be for the birds. Or maybe I can blame the month, or winter. I certainly hope it’s not *cough* 2011.

And I guess mice are cute. But I think I’d have to adopt an extra kitty, for backup. I’mjustsaying.


fair penelope


erin j said...

on the note of propane... EKKK! If you end up buying I can let you know what my parents switched when their gas bill went crazy!
on the note of the methodists... give them a try. there is some ceremony to what they do. i totally get why you love/d cos and we are sad to have started as you left and we miss you terribly! BUT bigger and better. if the methodists don't appeal to you... maybe see what you can do to help the other church? cos was NOT like it is now children's services wise. it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't really in existence. rbw is to be patted on the back for her work there. i really like that church and grew up loving the ceremony and ritual of this kind of service. so i totally understand the loss.
i hope you find some hope and happiness. spring is around the corner...fight through february and you are there!
miss you!!!!!!!

pen said...

I know - I keep reminding myself that COS changed for kids just as I was joining. And rbw and Catherine had a *ton* to do with that. So I'm torn between sticking with it and seeing if I can help - knowing that by the time anything got rolling for the younger set, my kids would be past that age. (They do actually use Godly Play, but only older kids are involved with it.) Or just going with the Methodist thing and having my kids participate *now* instead of later. Sighs. But thank you for your words. :) I miss y'all every Sunday!! And Thursday. And...

somebody's mom said...

Gasp! for the gas bill. So how long will that ginoremous tank keep you warm and cooking?

Prayers for wisdom and discernment.

somebody's mom said...

Yes, an extra mouser would be ideal.

jenn said...

Yikes on the propane bill!

Adjusting to a new place is so hard. . . even when it's technically going just fine. I remember bursting into tears a couple of weeks after we moved to Philly and blaming Dan for bringing me here (though of course it was a mutual decision). Hang in there. . . slowly but surely, you'll find the right church and the right friends and all the things that make a place feel like home.