Dear Prospective Guest,
We are delighted to hear of your upcoming stay at our establishment. Though our accommodations are not exactly *luxury,* per se, we hope you’ll find them comfortable and marginally better than say, the backyard or the porch—which, we’ll be honest, we briefly considered. To best serve you, we will require the following information prior to your stay. Please advise your ideal preferences for the following:
*Snacks
*Beverages
*Meal types, i.e. what do you usually eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
*Blankets, i.e. just a few, or piled high
*Pillows, ditto
The Kitchen and Housekeeping staffs will be most appreciative of your prompt response, so they may tailor their preparations toward your stay. They love this shit, so don’t hold back with the details.
Additionally, to ensure your expectations are in the right place prior to your visit, please be advised of the following:
*We have a lot of linens, use as many or as little as you like; however, do not expect them to match.
*We hope you do not expect the place to be dusted and/or scrubbed prior to your visit, as that will probably not happen. We might vacuum, if there’s time.
*We have two dogs; both are lovable, one is tweaky. Don’t mind them. Don’t let them lick you, either, no one likes it, and it’s okay to say so.
*We have two children; both are lovable, but not always charming. Bring ear plugs and/or valium, if you must.
*Above all, in spite of the dogs, and linens, and dust, and children, be comfortable! And help yourself! We like when people help themselves.
While you’re here, we expect to enjoy an alternately lazy and fun-filled itinerary, for which suggestions are highly encouraged. Please note that we are cheap, so the champagne and caviar and impromptu trip to Vegas are out.
Also while here, we may require assistance with certain projects that match your talents and experience. Painting, say, or organizing. Or *cough* babysittingonValentine’sDay. (What?) We look at this not as torture—well, not really. Maybe a little bit. We shall all endure.
Lastly, should your stay coincide with the SEASON PREMIERE OF SURVIVOR, I’m afraid there is little we can do but subject you to it. We will provide popcorn and drinks, and perhaps a conciliatory post-Survivor game of Scrabble.
This concludes our pre-trip briefing, until we think of something else, in which case you will surely receive some sort of snarkily charming addendum.
We look very much forward to your stay!
Until then--!
Sincerely,
The Staff at Chez Lo.
2 comments:
i really, really wanted you to write:
*We have two children; both are lovable, but not always charming. Don’t let them lick you either, no one likes it, and it’s okay to say so.
that would've had me rolling on the floor! i mean, the original got some snickers, but that! that would've been BRILLIANT! ; )
Snarf!
The most entertaining thing is that K.Lo HAS actually licked me on purpose. Seriously, she thinks it's the funniest thing in the world! M, you are in for a time. ;)
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