i’m tired.

*Thanksgiving yesterday was lovely, really. I’m most proud of my job on the turkey, which came out so delish. An oven bag and a cup of apple juice poured over the top of the bird is all you need, my friends. You don’t taste the apple, it just saves you from basting.

*I am most grateful for lots of things.

*Christmas shopping is mostly done. I didn’t do any today (yikes), although I keep going back to the Black Friday deals on Amazon and wondering if there’s something I missed. Can’t find anything, but I like the ability to peruse aimlessly in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to going out and trampling a Wal-Mart worker to death. Ugh. I want to throw up just thinking about that.

*I still have a 4th blog… but I changed the address, and don’t expect me to update it much, if you can find it. I’m telling myself as much as you. I just don’t have the will, the brain power, the whatever-it-takes. Time. Luckily, I doubt anyone much cares.

*Still reading 2 or 3 books and keeping up with all sorts of feeds and other-type articles that I never used to read (the ones I was all trying to share on the 4th blog). My brain is filling up fast. It takes time to mull, but before you can even do so properly, everything changes again. Wonder sometimes if I would have done better in a slower-paced culture and/or century.

*J.Lo is ripping apart our piece-of-crap deck. No bodies discovered yet underneath, but I’ll keep you posted. In the spring, we’ll replace said crap-deck with a lower deck, which should really open up the yard.

*I’ve been feeling sorry for the dogs lately, because they have devolved into food scrounges, and I’m thinking despite their cushy existence, we probably don’t play with them enough anymore. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel *stretched.* I think about my day and sometimes feel like I’ve got nothing left to fucking give. Poor dogs. We will make the effort, dammit, and hope that the added attention will be the solution to their maddening behavior.

*On tap this weekend: B-day party for 1-yr-old neighbor (extremely cute), Christmas decorating?! maybe next weekend, working some more hours and hoping it’s enough.

Days Til the Great Beyond

With my trip approaching and my blogging at a historical all time low, the only strength I could muster is to tell you what my most illustrious good friend Penelope sent me. And I love her for it- As she wants me to be fully prepared should I become separated from my tour group and lost in the Guatemalan/Honduran/Costa Rican Jungle. I feel fairly safe about Nicaragua, as I won't be near Jungles then. But I can't swear by it.

I can tell you why I consider not blogging, it's because I have things to say but do not want to tell you or have been so consumed over my irritations at french and the hours blown by at work that I cannot make headspace for anything else... but perhaps this is just a phase and I have gotten too good at wasting time. And after all, an online trip journal is something every girl should have.

And I am officially 2 wks away.
Most completely packed except for a black friday camera purchase and perhaps a nail buffer.

four

Yesterday marked four years of marriage for J.Lo and I. Four! The theme of four is flowers and fruit (traditional) or appliances (modern). Both of us went traditional this year, J.Lo bringing home a lovely bouquet of fall flowers and this necklace, which is tiny and dainty and has a little diamond in the middle.

 

 

 

 

Fruit and flowers for a guy proves to be a bit more difficult, so I got all clever and went with this bottle of scotch. If you look closely at the label, it mentions flavor notes that are “fruity and floral.” Score!

pile-ups

*I keep up with the laundry pretty well, despite grave procrastination on the folding and putting-away front. I did laundry over the weekend. But somehow, by Monday, the laundry hamper was two feet taller than normal. Almost as tall as ME. I’ve never seen it get that high. The culprit? Sheets. Apparently I had changed a lot of bed sheets recently. So the lesson here clearly is not to change your sheets, as it leads to inordinate, cruel amounts of laundry.

*Seriously, you should see my DVR. Three episodes of Gossip Girl. And equal number of Privileged. The only two girl-shows I’ve kept up with recently are ANTM and Grey’s Anatomy. And Top Chef, but I’ve only half-watched. All the rest lay there waiting, or else have been cancelled entirely. I blame my blogging problem, and that pesky job. And the children, it’s always their fault.

*Speaking of shows I DO keep up with, how about McKey winning ANTM??? Yeah, I didn’t really dig her, either. Whatever. I like Marjorie and Analeigh. Also, last night’s eps of The Office and Survivor were both brilliant spots of light in the scope of each current season. Discuss with me in the comments, if you watch these shows!

*Mendacious is leaving me in less than 3 weeks. I don’t think I’m really quite prepared, although I suppose between her absence and the repeats starting up, I’ll have time to amend the aforementioned DVR backlog.

*I have to cook Thanksgiving dinner next week. Which is totally great, I love cooking. But so much preparation involved?! The hell. First order of business is to come up with a shopping list, which I haven’t done yet, and then I apparently need to head out and procure said ingredients immediately. The bread for the stuffing needs to be cut up and left out to stale properly by Saturday. Which is TOMORROW. And from there it only gets more complicated, tackling the entire menu I have in mind.

Not that You Care, by M

But, I am almost completely packed. And it is my obsessive need to make lists of which I have mostly spared you lately... and gloriously my pack is really light, especially compared to when I did this in Turkey. I'm getting better! At saying no... though not completely. Let's be honest.

TO BUY
• Extra Memory cards
• Extra Battery
• CAMERA
• Fix Watch
• Burts Bee’s
• Cliff Bars
• Almonds
• Book on tape?

TO PACK
• Vaccination Cert
• Itinerary
• $300 LP+
• Money
• ID,STNT ID, AAA
• MP3 Player
• Journal
• Camera
• Water
• Charger, Memory Cards

• Alarm Clock (1)
• Sunglasses
• Calculator
• Duct Tape
o Nail kit: buff, cut
o Tweezers/Mirror
o ThickEucerin

• Knee braces’
• Ear plugs/hard
• Black travel Pillow
• Door Wedge
• CamelBak (dads)

• Amphibian Walk/Water
• Flipflops
• Bras
• 1 black tanktop


PACKED
Main Pack
• Pancho
• SwissArmyKnife
• Vaccum Bag
• Small Towel/Microfiber
• Jacket (fleece/wind)
----
• Sunflower Seeds
• Jerky
• Gum
• Cliff Bars 12
----
• 7 Underwear
• 3 Undersocks
• 6 Socks
• Mysterious feminine products
-----
• 1 White Skirt
• Red/Red Skirt
• Swimsuit
•
• 1 Red Tanktop
• 5 Tops
(teal/blu/gren/blck/yllw)
• 1 LS-T Shirt O/N
-----
• Sleep Shorts
• Stretch Shorts
• Water Shorts
• 1 Stretch Pants
• 2 Cargo Pants
• 1 Stretch Capri
-----
• Travel Connect 4
• Cards
• Insect Repellent
• SPF 15 max

Emergency Kit
• Potable Aqua
• Emg Blanket
• Malariapills
• Leviquin 4 TD
• Ice packs
• Thermometers
• Dramamine
• Bandaids
• Anti-Inflammation patches
• Other…


Toilettries
• Deodorant
• Detergent
• Tissues
• Shaving Gel
• Face/Body Wipes
• 4 disposable razors
• Liquid Soap/scrub
• Floss
• Paste
• Toothbrush
• Shampoo/Conditioner
• Brush
• Sewing Kit/Safety Pins
• Eucerin


PACKED DAY BAG
o Blister kit (check it)
o Advil
o Hand Sanitizer
o Sun hat
o Ginger pills
o Flashlight
o Zip-tie Locks
o 1 Underwear
o 1 pair socks
o 1 longsleeve top
o Gum
o Pens
o Mirror PlaneTix
o Passport
o Insurance proof
o Bandana
o Business cards
o Toilet Paper
o Compressed Water Spray
o 4 TourGuide Docs
o Gloss
o Soft EarPlugs
o Money Belt

Definitely Not Ok, by M

So I've decided it's not ok. I called the house this AM again, to see if my friends life had or hadn't changed irrevocably. And her mom answered the phone and immediately knew it was me, and she makes some really not very concerned fumbling excuse about why she didn't call me back, and explained my number just came up but not my name so she didn't know... which means she deleted my # from her cell phone and yet uh, either her house has caller id or she knows my fucking number people! what is going ON! I got deleted, not called back, generally stepped on for my concern, and then she told me that they weren't staying at the shop which is quite different than being evicted... and whatever so then she explains to me how there was a 30ft wall of flames coming down and surrounding the house but that a gust of wind came and pushed the wall fire down the hill. And that her son found a way back up the hill and spent the night putting out ember fires at various houses on his street.... and she's like, so yah thanks so much for calling, the inspector is here i have to go, and i was like so i guess I'll catch up with ivy later? And uh? Ok bye! Thanks for calling! CLICK.

WHAT!?
WTF!? is going ON!

How is This Ok? by M

So the neighbors are having another one of their fucking parties. It's not ok that the volume level of the speakers causes my windows to rattle or my doors to reverberate. It's not. It's really fucking rude. And I fucking hate them. Or rather anything I might do to them by my own hand outside of some miraculous occurance would be justifiable but not exactly right. This makes me sad. And God and I are talking this out.

But clearly complaining about my neighbors isn't anything new. What I'm really here to complain about is my friend who has the drug problem, dropped rehab, hopefully, mostly clean? I don't know. I haven't seen her since. But she called me the other night, hadn't gotten around to calling her back. And then around 11:20pm last night I get a call from her on the house phone, and all I hear as I hit the play back button is "This is a dire emergency." And then my cellphone is ringing.

She says, "The fire jumped I think. It's close. We don't have anywhere to go. My mom got evicted from her studio (news to me, and this means absolutely no income and nowhere to work, is what that means). We think we might sleep in the parking lot of the studio, but maybe we can come over to use the restroom or something? There's no room is there? There's 4 of us." No I say, but... Come over? When are you coming, over? Of course I say. You can go to an evacuation center? What are you going to do." "I don't know, I don't know." "Just call me," I say, "Let me know." "I have to go, I see an ember, I think our house is on fire. There's a policeman at the door. I have to go." CLICK.

So I turn on the news and sure enough I'm looking at a fire blazing and I think that DOES look like her house, her actual house on fire. I hope its not her house. It really looks like her house. And Chuck from channel 4 is giving approximate locations of houses lighting up and blazing, and i think, that's her street. I'm pretty sure he just said her street.

I text her 20minutes later: Are you ok? Is your house? Where are you? NO ANSWER.
I wait up till 130AM waiting, watching the news, and generally pretty concerned.

I wake up at 730AM. I tell my mom, I think her house burned down. They said they might come by. I haven't heard from them...I go back to bed and lay there pointlessly for another hour.

I call her again at 11AM. No answer. "HI, I'm concerned about you guys. Where are you? Are you Ok? Let me know what I can do to help? Call me."

I mean hello, I know I'm a narcissist but how is it ok that I haven't heard from her since her 2nd frantic call. Her phone might be dead, her mom might not have even told her I called. But she knows both my numbers by heart. Their studio/work place where they were going to sleep is 2 miles from my house. And I'm completely pissed off that I haven't heard one-single-word.

It's possibly the voyuer in me. Maybe.
its possibly the storyteller in me. But mostly, it's genuine concern, I think, for a human being I actually know, whose house may or maynot no longer exist. Sure I thought the house was a den of toxic awful energy, and would it surprise me, given that the entire backyard was filled with dead literally drybrown things, that would make it easier for a fire to start and rapidly disintigrate the house- no. But even in this she should've called right? Like maybe let me know if she needs the microwave I have stashed in the crawlspace, or the Tv sitting in a box that's too big for my room right now... or clothes or food or something. Maybe let me know if she's homeless, or alive or crying or hurt, or safe or warm or fed... But maybe it's just me.

That explains the cupcake I had after dinner, and maybe those 3 slices of pepperoni pizza. I'm totally going to bed now, the fucking polka music is at a murmor. How considerate really, turning it down around 1am in the fucking morning!

someday

I was out shopping today and found a bucket of sticks on clearance for $7.50. I think it was 75% off. A damn good price for a bucket of sticks. I have always wanted one, I couldn’t tell you why. I can see it by a door, or in a corner somewhere, especially during the fall or winter months. The pot was an orangey red color, the sticks maybe between 2 and 3 feet tall. It was sort of perfect all around.

I put it in the cart and took it on a tour of the store, on the fence the whole time about the *need* for a bucket of sticks. Justifiable? After a several-year back-burner quest? Why not.

Then I remembered that N.Lo is 1, and on the verge of walking, and that there couldn’t possibly be a worse time to buy the bucket of sticks. Sure, he’d learn quick enough not to go near the thing. But would that be before after the sticks skewered his little eyeballs. It would be a disaster waiting to happen, I had to admit.

Someday I will own the bucket of sticks. Someday the planets will align on this matter. Just not, sadly, today.

survivor friday! now i’m inspired.

Sugar is my fav in this game, with Bob as a close second. J.Lo is seriously annoyed at the underdog faction of Kenny, Crystal, and Susie, and though I agree they’re not my favorite personalities ever, I give them props for at least playing the game and fighting for their own Survivor lives. I think that we’re naturally programmed to root for the cool, popular kids, but now that Marcus and Charlie are out, I see no reason to root for Corinne. She’s really sort of horrible. She’s at least as bad as Jeri Manthy in Australia, but since she’s cuter, she hasn’t been vilified quite as much. Frankly, she lost me a week or two ago when she said something along the lines of, “I’m a completely vindictive person.” Really? Ew. And just because she takes it as a personal affront that Marcus (and now, presumably, Charlie) have been voted out, doesn’t mean the viewing audience should, too.

Kenny, Crystal, and Susie bother me because all three pretty well suck at challenges and don’t have the best attitude overall at camp. Crystal really bothers me with her challenge suckitude, because um, she was an Olympic athlete! She gives up so easily when it comes to anything physical in this game. BUT, at least these three aren’t ferrying in the cool faction just because they’re cool. As Kenny noted, there’s no reason why Marcus should deserve to stay longer than any of the others. The goal of the game is Outwit, Outplay, Outlast, and the underdog faction are doing just that.

And how about Susie rocking that fire challenge? Sugar was a close second, but the rest of the players’ performances were pretty darn pitiful. Not one of them even sparked a flame.

Other notes:

• Loved, loved, loved Bob’s fake Immunity Idol. Eliza could never say, “It’s just a stick!” Perhaps the show will hire him to head up the Crafts Department for the next Survivor.
• Loved/hated Corinne’s assessment of Sugar as a complete moron. Sugar’s playing the role well, and Corrine is just nasty toward anyone who isn’t on Team Corinne.
• Randy! What a bitter, bitter man. Hopefully his time in the game will lead him down a path of self-awareness. I find it most ironic that he’s a wedding photographer, a recorder of a happy life events.

Connections, by M (an email excerpt) yah another one. Whatever.

Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2008 08:30:42 -0800
From: Somebody's Mom
To: Mendacious
Subject: internet connection

Dad has been talking about switching internet providers fro some time. He says that he is going to make the change today or tomorrow. They (at &t), who will be the new provider, say that it will take a week to clear the lines and have our new service start. This horrifies me. How can we be without service for a week! And in this internet age, how can it take so long? I am hoping that it won't take that long.
The new service is supposed to be faster and cost less than the current service.
Anyway. I wanted to give you a head's up. You may be like Brandon driving around Newport looking for a hot spot..

----

11/13/2008 10:03 AM >>>

scary!
but good to know.

now if you guys could just get rid of the cars. you have no idea how much anxiety involves me in a parents die tragically scenario and then i have no idea what to do with them. and i want to keep the mustang and finally learn to drive stick but i don't know what is wrong with the engines or all the parts and i just cry a lot and plant things in it.
----
Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2008 10:18:04 -0800
From: Somebody's Mom
To: Mendacious
Subject: RE: internet connection

You'll take to stick like a duck to water. Just be sure you've eaten. Dad is close to having the green beast running. The engine on your brother's mustang is fine. just needs tuning, engine on mine is tired and Dad is planning on rebuilding it. If you find yourself suddenly orphaned, I'll tell Dad's ghost to tell you what for on the cars... it will be fine.

----
11/13/2008 12:10 PM >>>

good. cuz you know how i worry.
if we could get that all resolved before hand that would be great.
-----

Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2008 12:13:30 -0800
From: Somebody's Mom
To: Mendacious
Subject: RE: internet connection

It sure would.

---

Pen & M Convo (excerpt)

From: Pen
Subject:
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 10:28:52 -0500

oh my goodness. how terribly rad is our new header??!! I'm loving it!

nice work, my friend. once again.
---

From: Mendacious

Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 1:04 PM
Subject: RE:

:D
as long as you don't think its too busy-ee.
we'll see.

i was going for a little bit of how we feel... avec fall and the closing in on winter.
---

From: Penelope
To: M
Subject: Re: RE:
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:48:22 -0500

it's pretty perfect.

From: Mendacious
Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 9:09 PM
Subject: RE:

i'm such a validation whore.
; )

---

From: Pen
To: M
Subject: Re: RE:
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:51:10 -0500
aren't we all?

notes

1. Ever pensive, my mind has been *brewing* as of late, to the point of great distraction. You should see how packed my DVR is—between this new side jobby of mine and all the brewing, I haven’t even had time for all the crap I watch! My usual solution for peneloccupations is to blog about them, but frankly, I think these matters are a bit of a drag-down for the three existing blogs of Pen&M, LoCo, and Smartini. Too serious. I’m quite sure that if I started linking a bunch of articles on any of these blogs, y’all would very soon tune me out, and/or banish me from your blogrolls. So think of my fourth blog as yet another Thought Receptacle for Penelope. J.Lo (and possibly m) will have a fit about it, wondering how in the eff I’ll have the time, but I argue that I’m so consumed with this stuff anyway, this blog is my outlet for it. Put it out there and be done. Plus, who doesn’t want an even deeper look into the multi-faceted mind of penelope? So, please, if you’re interested, check it out and join the conversation. Or else I'll just speak to the void. Whichever...
   
2. As noted in the sidebar, I’m in love with our new set of jumbo coffee mugs. They’re big, can be used as soup and cereal bowls. We had about a million coffee cups already, but none this shape and size, and I ultimately justified the purchase by getting rid of some sincerely ugly ones. Mugs from J.Lo’s bachelor days. I was a tiny bit nervous I’d hurt his feelings by bringing my festering, five-year disdain of these mugs to light, but it turns out these mugs were purchased with… Marlboro Miles. I have no words.
3. I haven’t been doing Survivor Fridays, not because we’re not still obsessed with the show (clearly we are), but I just haven’t felt inspired. One of the tribes, named Fang, has to be one of the worst tribes in the history of Survivor, and it doesn’t seem to matter who’s on the tribe. They’ve switched it up a few times, and they.just.stink. One of the chicks (bitchy Corinne—cute, but can’t really stand her) even changed the pronunciation last episode from “Fong” to “Fang”… didn’t help.
4. I heart Mario Kart for the Wii. I haven’t really played video games for years, not since the days of the old Nintendo. I’m pretty terrible, but it’s a fun, mindless buzz nonetheless.
5. The side jobby: It’s also thrown me for a loop. I had a not-really-minor meltdown last week, just trying to sort out expectations. I work from home, drafting some (I’m learning, J.Lo is teaching) and doing some admin work. Right now there’s much more admin than drafting. Adding anything like this to one’s life is always an adjustment, and of course there’s always a learning curve. Anyway, I think I’m over it now. Still don’t know what I’m doing really but feel more comfortable with my direction, and my chosen method of muddling through.

Baby, by M

danica's patron saint: st. frideswide. a strong, take no-nonsense, truth touting woman of god.

My friends Cath and Penelope bore up admirably under all this baby shower talk, as did Grain of Sand and AA. I didn't blog about it much as the Mom to Be reads the blog... only cryptic references to trips "downtown"... I myself didn't really see the object, just the end result of my planning. So when I saw pictures of Danica getting misty-eyed or touched by sentimentality- I went oh yes, something actual and emotional is happening here. I was so tired from all the prepping, buying, executing of said event it hadn't really occurred to me. As I was thinking always: we were doing this for Danica. And since I've missed out on both of Penelope's kids- she has 2 so she tells me, and they're quite life-impacting I don't really get that all first hand. So I imagine that I view Danica's impending life changing event in quite the same removed light. What over there, happening to you? What's that about? I have no idea! Plus when Danica and I get together it's mainly story and not so much with the feeling of things. So I didn't even really write her a card to make her cry or wrap a gift so difficultly she had to use directions to get it open, or anything... But then well, the event, I suppose was the gift for her, but not for the bambina... and at that I can only hope she doesn't get too sucked into the moms circle. Though I suppose every mom needs one. Penelope really would know better than I. I can only conjecture at some of the moms at the party, and look at them and think, I don't want to be that kind of mom, maybe this kind of mom, or ... what? Who knows. But nevermind, that's all for another blog post. I just feel checked out about the mom-to-be thing. I can only hope my mom-friends don't mind too much. I care. Mostly. I really do. But I'll be able to relate there if our roads ever meet. Here's the result:mom-to-be, danica, awesome friend wendy, myself and my $10 Ross dress, with crosage, diva'fied and co-planning maven joanna. (above) and i have them all mostly hard at work making flower lapel-pins etc. some of the people did not make flowers. i secretly cried and tried not to be offended... but hello, these sorts of craft epiphanies don't come on too often. capitalize!

look at all those splashes of fabulous red. my goal was for the women to be the flowers amidst the sea of calm by deep mediterranean waters sort of thing. $1 a yard fabric. You cannot beat. $30 for the overhanging fabric. $25 for the tablecloths.

co conspirators- her sister, autumn, joanna, myself, tricia (the most excellent chef who made honey/ginger sorbet!, bruchetta etcetcetc.)

$50 on flowers- pretty good for 2 large bouquets, 5 table centerpieces-- basically 4 elements: thistle which i'm in love with, hoighty white china mums, dahlias and loveliesbleeding.

a lovely place.
joanna's backyard.
for a most lovely and deserving friend.
not that all my friends aren't deserving.
but here's to you danica.
you fabulous
person
you.

CraftTime Again, by M

I was walking downtown on trip #1 and it struck me while looking in a store full of odds and ends that we could make lapel pins for the baby shower craft that i was forced to come up with. The perfect thing about this perfect craft is that there's no mess. You just cut pieces from a pattern that you make, sew it together and you're done. The felt is CHEAP. And all in all it was about $40 (for buttons,needles, hoighty sewing thread, and the felt) which should make enough flowers to be about $2 per person. Plus felt was IN in the 40's and 50's. And our shower just happens to be themed in that light- so imagine the inspiration struck and i felt i'd hit internal gold. Good thing i have a mom who likes to make things. She not only made the patterns, but made the samples. And I only looked vaguely sad, and sighed once about the work I had to do and it wasn't but 1second later she was digging into the bag to see what she could do. MOM ROCKS!

Ok Fine, Whatever, What about Me, by M

As I blamed my lack of enthusiasm about the way the election went on my hovering cold, since it's going to do whatever it's going to do, and so fine I voted but, no I didn't stay up all night watching election coverage about the coming of the anti-c-, I mean democratic messiah, because you know, i'm fighting off a cold. "Oh," says the woman who was up till 1am, reveling in the forth coming soci- erhm- revolution.

Last night I was slumped over in a bar, feeling overfed on steamed vegetables and a naughty but delicious grilled chicken sandwich when the election coverage began to get to me. I then fled under duress to the nearest Coffee Bean, where my cousin continued to text his ex- about her being a racist whore. I said, if you don't stop I'm going to leave you and shop at Ross. Even though I knew that Ross sucked in comparison to the one I went to yesterday. And still I sort of regret that I didn't leave him and go see if there was ANYTHING?! i could buy. I was RIGHT THERE.

He continued to talk about how 70% of women are shallow and like to date assholes. And the beautiful ones, forget it. I said, women aren't like that. To which he said, you're an exception. Which I was vaguely, basically latently offended. Because obviously being fat and a Christian who has moral values, rules me out of any basic commentary on what women want and what a man has to do to get them. And the reason I'm single is because I'm fat and not putting myself out there. Because to him, since he is awesomely attractive, compassionate and moderately successful, he should be able to date any woman he wants. And why is it so hard. I referred him to the Southpark Episode entitled: "The List"... though I don't know if he realized it was mainly an inditement on him... or part of him, and what he wants.

While I vomited into my cup of Earl Grey and he texted his ex about who brought up what first, I continued to stare at Ross. Eventually I said, I have to go to bed, which included taking 2 benedryl and trying not to freak out about anything. Because though we ended up talking about hot chicks, obama, the subtle flavors of beer, his drug addict parents, and money, it really all came down to everything I believe and everything he doesn't. Which left me thinking I just want to sew my dress and make it perfect for Saturday and God, why can't he just get it. Which left me sitting here today drawing sketches about trimming bull horns and alligators attacking other alligators. And maybe going to get a latte.. like right after i post this.



For further reading on what i really wanted to repeat over and over and over about my depressed passively suicidal cousin:

here's the thing about people who are depressed, which you are, and i understand that. You are consumed with yourself. Understandably but it is at times vain and narcissistic to continually be dissatisfied with your condition and state with so much other shit going on in the world. And I know you know this, as you say. I've been there so I get it. But it's a decision that you have to make that the things you do in life, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, matters, even in the small ways. And bottom line, from a Christian perspective: Your life is not yours to give or to take. And control rests with Christ, not with you. And you have to decide to give it over to him or not. He is either bigger than you, and your life is his to do what he pleases with or he is small and worthless and not to be trusted. But I'm telling you i feel the reward in acknowledging him author of my life over EVERYTHING, and there is JOY to be had there, not just fleeting happiness. and there is worth in you! WORTH. actually. you are here for a reason. and you are VALUABLE. and necessary.

being even, passively suicidial at times, you can continue on that road of disconnection, severing ties, feeding the lying monster... or you can say wait, why am i believing it? why? just because you're not where you want to be? and its ok to acknowledge and admit why you're angry, why you think it sucks, why being alone for you right now is not ok, but you need to start the work of actually loving yourself despite anything else. And understanding God loves you more than you can fathom even loving yourself or anyone.

A lot of our problems, perhaps yours, lies in a deep seated need for control- control of circumstance, of life, of other people, and we spend/waste so much of our time trying to do that- it causes anger, frustration, jealousy... when we can't get what we want, right now- we continually look at the world as failing us, friends failing us, and then eventually we are failing us. We dismiss the journey, the story we have here and now even when it sucks. Also there is no one here on earth that can fix you. I firmly believe that. Nor is there anyone on earth who can complete you in the way you need to be completed. Friends, Family, a lover, girlfriend, whatever, wife--- can't ever be enough either. Because its in our nature to be fallible and at times equally self-consumed. And those demons of darkness will grasp you through all the travails of life. What you're looking for is an immediate fix that you think will fill the gap, instead of struggling with and overcoming your internal issues- over control, over not feeling loved, of not meeting the world's idea of success, and that there is deeper meaning to be had in life when taken with humility and a fuckload of hard work...

We've had this discussion, this same exact one before. I can get together and hang with you but we can't talk about this. And i'll tell you why. Not only have we discussed this before but we're philosophically different. Totally opposed. I think your pride and ego and your inability to seek help and look at things differently is causing this- but you don't. You as well as us, keep going in circles every time this issue comes up. How long are you going to continue to hold onto your beliefs in this regard, have them fail you then be unwilling to see it any other way? What are you doing differently that's going to come up with a different answer? That rules out a therapist? and why?

You're depressed, so a lot of what I say is going to be lost in your tenacious need to be right- because you're looking for anything to validate your claims that this is how the world is. And your obsessed over the failures of the past, and over relationships- which you think should be easy to get because everyone else has one? And i'm telling you none of that is usually true and then you're just going to tell me why I'm wrong. I think bottom line you want to view your life as a failure, and you want to be unloved and you're unwilling to do anything about it because in some way it feeds you and gives you what you want. And you're going to tell me from an idiotic world and society view why i'm wrong to tell you that life isn't about that.

The thing about faith, and i understand that you're not a christian, which is why i prefaced it by saying "from a christian perspective"... it has nothing to do with wishing to god and hoping that poof your life will magically change on a rainbow of good luck. it's literally about submitting yourself in humility over life, which you don't have control of. And you are completely wrong about it not being about control. You are a control freak, and you're in total denial about it. The reason you regret your past, regret your circumstance, is becuase you regret you can no longer control the outcome, as if at the time you could anyway. Granted life is about choice, but your chosing right now, to dwell in the misfortune of your past, and further you're making a choice to say that i'm just stuck that way, that's how i'm built.... and if you don't think you can change, make different choices, then what am i going to say to help you? I can't. You have to be willing to look at life differently- not from a materialistic standpoint, not from a success standpoint. You are chosing a vain path and it is leading you to your destruction.

He took it all in good stride... but of course he replied, why shouldn't a man have pride and ego and success and money and a wife and a house and kids and the good life... and not struggle or have hardship because you know... it's like so easy. And so the snake bites the tail.

L-A-M-E

Apparently, Netflix will no longer be selling previously viewed DVDs. Huh! No more Juno for $5.99?! Granted, I’ve only purchased a few used movies from them, but with free shipping to boot, having this option to buy was a big perk of the membership.  The email said something about bringing back the focus to providing great movies for rental. What-ev-er.

My question is, where will the surplus movies then go? If Netflix could direct me to the website where the cheapies will be available, that would be great, thanks. And it better be free shipping.

Shadow Box #4, by M

I've gone minimal here. This is for a November someone. Not a January someone. I'm still working on that one... but what have you. Here it is. I am not quite sure how the items will hold up to time however.

for the record…

• I did make an informed decision prior to casting my vote for President.
• I do not fully agree with my chosen candidate’s proposed policies.
• I do recognize that McCain’s agenda can also be seen as redistributionist, socialism for the wealthy, and/or socialism, period.
• I don’t support those policies, either.
• Ultimately, I chose the party/candidate that I feel will  be better for this country. In the long run.
• I’m quite sure Obama will win anyway.

That is all.

weights on/weights off

weights on:

• Have not lost any weight despite exercising 4x per week and cutting back snack intake.
• Am currently major slacker in the online writing group department, must get act together.
• Suddenly the entire house is grimy and/or dusty.
• The child is sleeping terribly again.
• J.Lo and I wonder when The Office, despite continuing to be funny this season, will actually get back into the actual office.

weights off:

• Purchased two pairs of pants today that *gasp* FIT correctly.
• Boxed/bagged up a half-ton of clothes to be donated.
• Deleted Heroes from the DVR roll. It was us, not them.
• Have early voted, procured sticker and sense of having done civic duty.
• Car will be inspected tomorrow, will no longer be driving around conspicuously.