Monday, June 4, 2007

philosophize

At some point in life, it occurred to me that a person has choices in virtually all circumstances. You have choices, you make choices, there are consequences (good or bad), and it's on you. No one else can or should assume responsibility, just you. I don't know whether this occurred to me in a series of steps, or one giant "aha" moment, it doesn't really matter. Once you realize this fact, though, it seems like the world becomes divided between the people who "get it," and the people who don't. And I mean, it's not always the person's fault--most kids, I don't think, understand this, and won't for a very long time. The only thing you can do (if they're yours, anyway) is point the fact out to them at appropriate turns and hope to hell one day the little light bulb pops on.

I'm not meaning to sound at all hoity-toity in this discussion, or superior in that I think I do "get it." It's just so obvious, after awhile, who doesn't get it. They are less enjoyable to hang out with, their tirades less tolerable to bear. The world is against them, nothing they choose to do is a choice, they are not responsible, life is something that happens to them, they are not an active participant but merely a bystander. When something bad happens, they wallow in it, feel persecuted, and let it beat them down forever, rather than picking themselves back up and growing stronger for it. It's so tedious after awhile. I hate to say that, but it's true.


It's especially tedious to witness and endure along with the people who should know better. Everyone learns the fact of ownership at a different age, a different life stage, a different set of circumstances. But some people just never get it. They could be, like, in their seventies, and still not get it. It's like they become permanently arrested in an adolescent way of thinking, for whatever reason--maybe some unfulfilled, long-ago desire for proper attention? and they never move beyond that way of being. I feel like it is the difference between growing up, and not.


And what do you do with the people who haven't grown up yet? Exercise patience, offer your view, yes. Show love, yes, and empathy. Bad things do happen, of course, they affect everyone the world over, but in your response to that badness lies the choice. And no one's perfect, and you might not always and instantly "get it," maybe you'll slip up now again. I feel like I sound so harsh. But damn, there are just some people. After a certain age, a certain batch of life experiences--shouldn't they get it, by now? Shouldn't they move beyond the junior high mentality? Stop playing the victim, stop vying for negative attention? Won't it ever occur to them that if they just stopped acting like an asshole, they might actually get what they want?


And maybe we could even be friends!


Sigh, I'm so mean. I just don't know how to react sometimes, how to deal with Crazy. I think about kudzu's discussion regarding inate personality quirks or flaws that you just want to shake out of a person--or are you just supposed to live and let live, because "that's the way they are." I want to keep the peace, but I want to stand up for myself. I want to be true to who I am, and protect what I have, but for as mean as I sound today, mostly I'm just too nice. My initial reaction to most situations and conversations tends to be pleasant, or simply very measured, because I don't want to be the one who's out of control in my response. Maybe diplomacy is what I need, and more patience, more perspective? What I want is to have a little more instant perspective and diplomacy, so I can respond the way I should/want to at the moment, rather than looking back on the conversation later and feeling all coulda-woulda-shoulda, with a dash of enraged. I want to guard against letting a person rot a hole in my stomach, and driving me as crazy as I see them.


I just want to have the right to eradicate certain negative energy from my life, and I think herein is where I myself am missing the choice: It's not about controlling the other person, shaking from them (until their teeth rattle) all their petulance, manipulativeness, and misguided ploys for attention and guilt tripping, but it's how I myself choose to respond to it.


Argh.

14 comments:

Andria said...

wow. I would hate to be the person you are venting about! I know exactly what you mean in this post and immediately thought of some people (one sibling is very prominent) that fall squarely in the "don't get it" category in my life. And Greg & I end up having the same conversatoins about them over and over again (everytime something happens and they still Haven't Gotten It!) and it is frustrating and taxing on your own patience and infiltrates your relationship and affects your psyche without them even knowing/realizing (part of the person NOT GETTING IT and understanding how his/her choices affect so many more people than just him/herself) I don't really have anything further to offer, but wanted to say I hear what you are saying!

PS on the US pic on the side -- I'm glad you clarified that is a knee - I'd hate for people to get confused since it is a boy and all. ;) What a cutie already, though.

Anonymous said...

I hope this is about who I think it's about. I'm feeling a little self-conscious. I mean, I know I'm wallowing, but geez, I'm 8 months pregnant and my dog just died.

penelope said...

good lord, no. it's about the person you're thinking of, yes.

this is a hideous post, but i'm stressed.

and a.--totally a good point too about them not realizing who they affect and how! 'cause it's always about them, right?

totally knew it would be a good idea to clarify the knee thing. hee.

Anonymous said...

This is A. Not a hideous post. B. If people feel convicted about what you have to say then it's possible theres a truth there they need to look into (overly hormonal people excepted, maybe). C. Calling people to truth is not bad, negative or mean. D. I struggle with trying to control people. How do you, once you realize your reaction make a deliberate choice about how you behave about it- regardless of how you feel?

Kim said...

I have the angsty problem of both knowing exactly the type of people you're talking about, and being easily able to identify them, but yet secretly worry that I Am This Person. Not YOUR person in specific. But THIS person.

Anonymous said...

I think self-awareness is so key in understanding that life is about the choices you yourself make, so I wouldn't worry too much about being "that" person.

Also, it is totally okay to wallow and even to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. And of course no one is perfect. It's just realizing you have a part in your current situation. Your choices brought you there, your choices can keep you there, or bring you out of it--gracefully or ungracefully. So many choices, and it's hard to always make the "right" one.

mendacious said...

wait, so this post is about me right? like, if we were in a cop drama you'd be like the good cop and i'd be the bad cop- that should comfort you just a little.

penelope said...

it's totally about you, mendacious, you hag. i just didn't know how to tell you to your face.

penelope said...

p.s. i do want to assure all our faithful blog readers that it's not them. you are the people who do "get it," and thusly are enjoyable to hang with. it's a family matter, and i'm a mean pregnant lady.

love,
poison pen

Andria said...

ah, of course it's family - they are the ones you cannot escape and so must repeatedly contend with. Good luck!! I find my patience is microscopically thin and my ability to hold my tongue zapped during these hormonal months. At least we have something we can blame it on, right?

penelope said...

seriously. the prego card has high value, might as well play it, and play it often.

ashley said...

You know, though, me or not me - there is some merit in reading this post and thinking about the ways this could be you. I mean, what situation am I beating the dead horse on when I could really just choose something else. Thanks, Mean Pregnant Lady.

Anonymous said...

Sadly,
Wisdom is not a gift given to all.

Cue said...

Ooooo. Good one. TOTALLY agree.

In this yoga-reiki-hippie training I've been doing, there's a term: "bless and dismiss." That's how I feel about the toxic/negative folks. I can be empathetic and sympathetic to their perspective, but the key for me is recognizing that their reality doesn't have to be mine. So, I tend to nod and smile, and distance myself. That may sound harsh, but really -- that's the choice I do have, you know? That is, whether to allow their reality to impact my reality. So I look at folks like that and think, "bless and dismiss." I wish them well, and cheerfully envision them going on their merry way.

...It is much more challenging if said individual is related, though, I imagine. Hmm.