day 5- no really. (rant)

i was being less than optimistic in my post yesterday which i wrote this morning bcs suddenly it started raining and wouldn't stop. and i had a pang in the chest twice at the thought of being unemployed again, and my friend continues to set unattainable goals which she pretends are realistic then when you expect them she rationalizes her way out of them, thereby crushing your spirit and making you cry, which leaves you alone at 12am eating m n'ms and writing a blog while she's in her bedroom having a conversation with her 'husband', even though earlier she complains that she'll be getting no sleep at all... bcs i see her "hurrying" to bed. right.

keep in mind i see her maybe once a year and she treats this week as if i see her everyday or am some sort of roommate who she can chose to ignore or engage depending on a whim. am i an attention whore? it makes me wonder. but i would never treat my guests so horribly- i mean there's one thing such as personal space and independence then there's just a disconnect-

for instance- this whole day was suppose to be an "us" day- you know what i mean when friends term it that. Her words, not mine. there's a certain understanding that the day will encompass all of what the two of you are TOGETHER. keep in mind this whole week i've spent whole days wandering the city by myself- and really it's thrilling. i love alone time but then the scale starts to tip and i'm in moody, depressive, i'm ALONE, zone. and yes as much as i love chicago- i do not want to comment on the shennanigans of otters to myself. "oh miss, did you say something?" "yes, to my IMAGINARY FRIENDS!" my bad. i thought i'd have more to occupy me. but i am not fucking spending $25 on looking at king tuts mask and a dagger. so clearly this was not the time to suddenly decide that it's all about you. first she says although it's her day off, which she said she specifically took so we could spend the day together- she needs to go into work... her choice. but that i won't even notice bcs she's going in early. then i call her and she says she doesn't feel good and no longer wants to go to the restaurant i want to go to. i complain- since she feels this way bcs who can survive on a banana for breakfast and not feel dizzy... anyway by the time i get there she's now okay with the restaurant choice but then lets it slip - like "depending on what you're going to do" i might go home. the hell?! what I"M GOING TO DO!!

bcs she got up at 5 bcs she had to work- and we're going to be spending 2 nights out past 12 (bcs she had to buy us tickets to 2 musicals- when really the musicals are about her- fuck musicals. that's what i say- but bcs i know she enjoys them i'm going to go and not complain.) and she just really needs a nap and doesn't now want to walk around the city with me in the rain (even though i'd already given up hope of a boat tour but that wasnt enough of a sacrifice) and if i can't suggest something then (even though we were going to go shopping for her)... and then she gets mad when i start giving her crap about it- and the day never recovers primarily bcs then during lunch she tries to rally, half-heartedly and says well maybe a movie- except i can't see the one movie i alone suggested to you prior to your coming, bcs i HAVE to see it with I----. you know how insignificant that phrase makes me feel- very, very, very small. it may seem nothing but i see her once a year and she can't even concede to seeing a movie with me. bcs it has to be with the man she's spent the last 6 years of her life with, 24/7, 7 days a week. thanks.

i spend 9 minutes on the phone ROAMING to vent to my 2nd friend who assumed i wouldn't be spending so much time alone- and i had previously asked her and been denied, to take if not a full day, a 1/2 day off- just for kicks. like, well i'm going here and i love being alone so much i almost didn't bother to ask you.

fucking fuck.
so i spent 4 hours+ in a movie theatre- reading, then watching the beautiful but god awfully fucking vapid marie antoinette- which actually matched my mood perfectly- just brooding ennui the whole movie and all i could think was her poor kid dies alone in a jail cell @ 5 of TB or something fucking god awful that i mightve as well seen blooddripping down all the walls of versailles as you knew the horror literally awaiting them and to see them hopelessly not "getting it"... and then only to meet my friend for her to ask if i've found a restaurant- yes. yes, i walked around in the rain so we could fucking find a place even though i asked you to find one for us on the internet- and after a torturously long dinner, it was a good thing she was chatty, we had to sit thru 2+ hours of a fucking pirate queen musical, which lacked the heart of ireland and the grit of piracy... i mean do i get to see Rent? or maybe Spamalot?... NO. could the day have gotten any worse. i can ONLY hope tomorrow i recover from the vileness that was today- and finish my vacation on a high note. and VOW never to visit friends again on this premise again. ever. like maybe when i go to chicago IF i come back to chicago again- i "might" let them know... might. bcs why expect to spend time with people when they cleary care more about themselves in that moment than your friendship.

M.fucking.OUT.