grieving m,

Oh, my dear. I grieve that you grieve. Not that it’s not a necessary step, whichever order you choose to do it in. You’ll find the next step when you are ready. It’s there.

I forgot to mention my highly awesome Mother’s Day, which began with sleeping in until 10AM and ended with a chiminea fire outside followed by Betty White SNL. In-between there were charming children, a sweet bracelet, a new spa showerhead, pad Thai and the movie Date Night, which is way more hilarious than I had imagined. Michael Scott can do anything. (So why won’t he stick around for The Office’s last year? I’m just saying, I think they should pull the plug after season 7 if that’s the case.)

Also, no one has yet cleaned my fish tank. I’m just saying… Fish Tank Fairies are apparently worthless.

There was something else but I can’t remember.

pen mightier

Pengrieve,

friend,
i think we've hit on the emotional truth of things, i mean besides the obvious serenity of vegetables delivered in boxes or the apparent separate garage sale tally? after a long season of what might be termed anger? or certainly righteous indignation and then a nebulous inbtw period of 7 or so years where there were stagnant waters and volcanos to conquer i've entered into a phase of grief. its entirely possible i'm doing this out of order. as LL suggested, that mechanical ability of mine, lacking, thinking i could tie knots after stringing beads, when in fact one must tie knots as they go or undo it all and start over. its a phase we think of addressing this particular thing. but i should like to know what the next thing might be. so i don't turn into a wooden lamenting statue, though they have always appealed to me. and though it is always me and no one else, still these others have a part to play, to what may come next. and maybe that's why lent was so particularly fruitful and active... but anyway,

its warm here and breezy. a cool in the shade kind of day. i'm on thorne watch and balancing her on my knee as i type. she is making groovy sounds with a pen in time to the sonorous sounds of rachmoninovs liturgy. the bit of cheese on her face is distracting but over all we're making due. i've had some earl grey and we played outside, of which thorne was rather bored with, but as i explained to her, i didn't bring my hiking shoes and i'd already yoga'd. she still banged at the fence, poor tenement child, begging to play in the expanse of whereever she isn't. aren't we all?

so i'm days from 34 with whatever that means. typing it feels old, thinking it feels young. tomorrow kerry is taking me a luxuriating spa experience. if muriel were here i'd ask her about the grief. it does nothing for productivity. but as it is scrubs and mudbaths?await me. and perhaps some weariness will be undone. and i can come back and take initiative with pluck and aplumb and conquer the world. i'm lucky to be in the position to do so. as i'm not permanently laboring in the fields or a spinster with a drunkard for a father living in a shack by a dreary languid river taking care of mydeadmothers 5 other starving children. you know, what have you. spinster though i may be. if only as i get older i can play up the eccentric artist role. i'll have to think of what my outfits might look like. let alone the adventures to have. i wonder if there is something else out there for me? or is it like scully said in xfiles7. always destined to make these choices? which is why she ended up giving up a brilliant career as a doctor to follow around mulder on his endless search until she no longer couldnt.... well anyway nature calls. pausing as i am on the edge of depthful pondering. i will say no more.

m soon to be 34,

Gray skies, strangely cool temps, drizzly rain. And I’ve already finished a post for le anti-slavery blog, and that never happens so early in the day during the work week. I suppose that’s to make up for the post I wrote last week that took 3 full days. Re: the volatile weather, I’m going to call “hurricane” this season. Maybe we’ll get a new roof out of it, because it’s totally going to be torn to bits – although Baby Jesus, if you’re listening, make sure insurance covers that one completely, if it comes about. Please and thank you.

But I digress. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which is the day of the produce box. The magical produce box. Really, it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of: veggies and fruits from farms around the state, delivered to your door. And for a reasonable price! Last week was sweet potatoes and new potatoes and spinach and strawberries and cabbage. This week, I picked the box whose contents will be a surprise.

The yard sale was a moderate success, with a lot of traffic (and we didn’t even put an ad in the paper this time? hmm) and a lot of things sold, except they were sold for a really low price so I maybe made $50. J.Lo made more with his giant folder of CDs. The mind boggles at what people buy and don’t buy and how you can never predict. Like last time the movies went like hotcakes, and this time they were even cheaper, but most remained. And the books! All were in awesome condition and cheap as could be, but I had few takers. Oddness.

Speaking of cleaning house, and it was lovely to clear out the piles, I’ve also cleaned up my FB friend list with the rule of: friendly? not friendly? If you’re not friendly, you’re gone. Mainly this assessment applied to high school classmates. Because seriously, why waste the time.

And I also departed the moms’ group I joined in January, as schedule-wise and expectation-wise, it wasn’t what it cracked up to be.

So I kind of feel lighter this week.

I like our book. I loathe my fish tank when it drizzles. I anticipate buttery cabbage deliciousness with dinner. And maybe an iced coffee this afternoon.

pen

antM,

It wasn’t necessarily a shock, but seriously I was in this weird frame of mind the whole show because ew magazine accidentally spilled the beans on the top 2? So I sat there the whole episode thinking that they were going to axe 3 girls, and knowing who they were was just bizarre. I kept waiting for the hammer. A bomb dropped at the photo shoot, or on the TV screen at the loft, or okay – maybe a tornado’s going to rip through panel and take out the other two girls? What is happening?! But no, just one, and then next week is a two-parter w/ 2 elims in the first hour. FAIL, ew magazine!

So anyway, I did love Alexandra’s photo this week (should have been the best, no?), but her personality became all suck-o, just like the rest of ‘em. Love how Jade-alea is all anti-Krista since Krista’s winning. And Krista’s okay other than her personality and the fact that she’s Teyona and as Ash pointed out, Teyona’s already won. (And I never enjoyed Teyona.) The only person left to root for is Raina-Richards. I’d rather a girl who says MY-lanta (sigh, stop) than a girl who is just horrible. Because it’s not actually Survivor. Different rules, girls, different rules. You don’t actually have anything to lose by being nice.

Absolutely saw that Nigel leer. Wow, man. Cut that out.

No one has really endeared me. Next Cycle, please.

I’m off to eat rotisserie chicken, along with early peas and new potatoes from the produce box. I loves the produce box. It’s so magical and deserves its own post.

xo,

antPEN

ANTMrevisited,

It really wasn't a shock right though so yah, you know. And the way they painted it, it's like yah ok. Sure. Of course if you didn't see it, do look out for nigel exclaiming, plus size girl you look great! And its like, righhhht, cuz it sure wasn't a 'judge' critiquing a model. It's not her fault she just oozes sex...and more of anseleeawhosit, wearing crazy things and whatever, ok. I had more to say when I watched it this am. but i've moved onto garden maintaining, grilled chicken getting, watching 'true stories' on netflix and really the outside is calling. So i'm going to pause the movie and take my book out and think really hard about getting back in the car to get some dark chocolate (soy free). I bought this yogurt? jalepeno/pepper jack cheese- which is lactose free? So that's a victory. Cuz its tasty. But I'm craving chocolate.

And I pulled myself out of almost maudlinville on wednesday and have enjoyed a more kiltered thursday and friday. But sometimes you feel so much on the brink of something that you sense that if you don't find a footing down one road you'll end up stalled by the side of the road. at 34.

But more on that later,
m.

ANTMelope,

I mean i get your critique of +sized girl but i loved the photo of her and the sheep. And I think because she has to try a bit harder is why i'm more interested to see if she can pull it off. Though yah, is she 'highfashion'... eh. Krista and DeniseRichards just have to stand there and their bizarro faces carry them where ever they want to go. Though i suppose they are all H2T. Not like that boring blonde angry chick that got voted off the time before last. The 6 gosee girl. . . i don't get. I just, she just comes off badly on tv. I don't know. I just can't be bothered to root for her. And yah I totally also wondered about the uggs. They're over used here in LA as fashion, so possibly its a cultural thing that those guys who live close the epicenter of ugg creation are completely against them, aka she might as well have been wearing her bedroom slippers. Where here, we're trying to be cute and trendy. Though my circulation will never be that bad, nor my feet that cold to even be able to wear such things. I do remember lusting after a pair in the 90's. Then after that, forget about it. I wouldve had to burn my pair due to all the faux-beach bunnies strolling down melrose blvd with them. But whatevs. But she totally should've been wearing heels? or boots? alas.

And i know people love nigel, i used to love nigel. But he's kind of an ass right? And just catching that money train like the entire rest of the panel. But I just stare at him and i just get a little creeped out for some reason at his uptightness and the nude shoots and whatever else. Lets not even talk about Tyr@s outfits. Sometimes I wish they would par the crazy back down. But its a "thing" of its own now and can't be stopped. But I agree with Ash that the sparkle or whatever is so gone. That Bcs I love the shoots themselves I sort of hangon past the crazy and the drama and go- ooo pretty picture, or uh, they're having them do what!?

I'm so glad you said that thing about msjay. I mean REALLY. shut it. talk about theee most annnnoying VO after the maybe 2nd time I heard it. And i watched the 2eps back to back. My hand began to fly to the mute button faster than those 10sec makeup challenges.

And it was a beautiful rainbow. You could see the cameraman going, yes God, yes! Thank you! And that one shot of Alasia backlit in profile against the orange glow of the setting sun? Pretty magical in itself. So despite all the facade, beauty finds a way in? Nah, nevermind. I'm out of popsicles!
m.

america’s next top mendacious,

We should dish about the show before the next episode. Not that I’ll be able to watch it before Saturday or Sunday, which is when the CW finally gets around to posting it. Sigh. Whatever, I’mnotbitter.

Krista did deserve to win, although I feel like someone ought to point out that at first glance, it looks like she’s standing on her sheep. I’m just saying. I like Krista, and would be all right with it if she won. Krista reminds me of someone, but I’m not sure who. So does Angelea…

Whom I do not love. Besides that I don’t find her very appealing as a model, she’s typically classless every time she opens her mouth. The less she says, the better, and it seems like either she’s not opening her mouth as much lately, or else the editors are toning down her image in preparation for her ultimate win. I kind of think she’s going to win. WhatEVer. Props on 6 out of 6 go-see bookings – has any model ever gotten to all the go-sees, much less booked them? It’s pretty impressive, I’ll give her that.

I like Raina better, she might be my favorite. In spite of her ca-razy eyebrows, or maybe because of them. Also, she totally looks like Denise Richards in certain angles. And while she isn’t always exempt from un-heinous behavior, she’s pretty sweet.

Alexandra is also sweet, or else simply un-heinous, or dare I say boring. But I think she should go home soon. I’m glad she got her groove back, or whatever, but all her pictures look the same. And I don’t love her modely expression, which always involves an upturned face with slightly-open mouth. The camera angle is always straight up her nose… I just don’t get it, why she’s still in the competition. And while I found it amusing that all the go-see agencies found her choose of bootwear distasteful (Uggs? ugh! but are Uggs really out of style? why do people hate them so?), I do agree that she looked rough, rougher than the other girls anyway, even Angelea, who was dealing with some unfortunate frizz issues.

That leaves Jessica, who I sometimes love and sometimes don’t love. She is in fact very commercial and frankly, most times I don’t find her that remarkable. She’s rocked a few challenges and photo shoots. She’s young, which excuses her for most of the idiotic things she does, although I’m still not sure I can give her a pass on her mortifying display of ho-i-tude with Nigel a few episodes back. Girls! Be cool with Nigel. Be cool. We’re all still embarrassed about Caridee.

Alasia being cut? I feel like it was time. She’s cute and all, and I’m sure she’ll be successful someday, when she grows up. And by that I mean: grows out of her mouthiness. But overall she was out of her league. I totally get that decision.

And then, New Zealand… I want that rainbow over water. I want to see something like that in person, someday. Sheesh. I would also love to frolic in the pastures or whatever. It’s pretty there.

Also, CW, how many times do you have to show the New Zealand commercial voice-overed by Miss J? Yes, flights for less than $800. It’s MAJOR! Wee! I get it. Now partner yourself with hulu so we can have that shit posted faster and presented with limited commercial interruption. I’m just saying.

xo,

antPEN

m,

Time for another garden update! (Cue trumpets.)

Firstly, the lantana has gotten all poofy and vivid and whatnot. These suckers have the hardiness of rampant weeds, but does that take away their beauty? No, it does not. The pink and yellow are called ham-and-eggs.

 

Next, Yard Man (pictured here) was kind enough to weed and mulch the garden, among other chores, while I took the children to a birthday party Saturday morning. Now the garden looks all spiffy. And look at those roses! Which are now blooming just in time for Mother’s Day. I note this because I received the plant a year ago for Mother’s Day. I’m sure that’s in the blog archive somewhere, but I’m too lazy to look.

 

Speaking of pretty-to-my-eye weeds, we have a pot of Oxalis Dillenii. YelIow wood sorrell. I don’t know how it got there, but I don’t feel compelled to pull it up, especially since it’s contained.

 

Other views:

 

And the strawberries! The two we (you and I) planted are doing well and have a lot of new growth. The plant from last year, in a pot near the garden, ran wild and crazy and is now a chain of several plants in the ground, flanking the garden beds. There’s at least 30 strawberries in the works there, and this morning we picked the first 4. They weren’t quite ready, but the children were excited. Except for the dirt on the strawberries, they didn’t like that. And the berries really could have used an extra day or two, flavor-wise, because as K.Lo sadly noted, “These don’t taste like the ones from Costco.” Sigh.   

Pen-technical

I have this brain gap which I'm sure is what kept me out of mensa but whatever. What is the name of the skill that I lack? No, seriously. I'm logical and yet this is a complete blackout. For instance the famous xmas light installation of '99 or whenever, when i looked at a square stick and wondered which side would be best to put the nail into. And then of course the - slow - realization that, um, all sides are equal dumbass. And then this brings me to now where I string 10 rows of persnickety tiny holed beads and think, actually think to myself I can tie knots inbetween the beads later so I string them all together toget the look and then try to do exactly what i wanted... only to realize that 'reality' how i imagined it and how 'reality' actually is- is completely disparate. What is the skill, the intelligence name, of what I'm lacking. It is some tricky line I'm sure that makes me more artist than not but its this tick that I think must explain everything about me.

Oh, also not turn the subject away from me, but I'm pretty excited about all the growing things at your house. I bought peanuts but nomenclature is no where to be seen. I suppose it makes it more special in a fleeting, ships crossing in the night sort of way, but still. Also I have a nagging question about lunch and exercise. And after having watched 4 hours of netflix or so (and antm) last night I did manage to finish restringing the beads, to what end I know not, but it's done. I laid in bed for at least an hour pondering that I should've just meditated despite the lateness of the hour, but didn't. Anyway, let me know if you think of the name, because really, I want to know, I can at least add that to an explanation of me, or a whimsical anecdote, whichever.

Wish I was next door,
m.

Penabird,

so yesterdays most magical moment was the scrubjay that was flitting around the patio. it paused to pluck down a wasp nest and i was immediately entranced. and then it kept staring at me, coming closer and closer, from palm frond, to closer palm frond to window ledge and so then in a highly scientific process i selected things for it to try. lets call him nomenclature. he liked the pistachios and almonds. though i was sorry not to have peanuts for him. i spied him later eating a caterpillar in a snapdragon patch. but nomenclature hasn't come back. i hope he does. i am sure he can probably talk. and he did let me get really close to him and open the window without frighting him away so we also have great rapport. oh come back to me nomenclature! don't let me go back into this dull world without you.