Sunday, March 4, 2012

hi you,

the recklessness of last saturday gave way to cautionary tales of, yes you're still allergic so no you can't have fish n chips everyweekend. sorry, no. and the ward that is my japanese bobtail, has some eye conjunctivitis that if it won't clear up needs a vet check and she seems like a cat in heat, which gives way to murderous thoughts at night and ipods at loud volumes and chucking pillows and closing windows. which validates all the anxiety i had the very first night i got her. she sits on the very edge of my bed. she knows. and further then deliberately knocks over some things because why are they there she wonders... meanwhile i'm powering through dickens and it's really enjoyable and wonder constantly at how much or how little time i have- not sure what i'm missing out on doing but it's all that ridiculous rhythm finding i despise. i don't find comfort easily.

especially with words. i need the concrete, and so the day off was really godsent and the weather was perfect. and just touching the water and sand made me remember how grounding it really will be as the weather warms and how it will become a central and pivotal point of my peace and not as through winter, my tormenter. of course when i had to go back into work on friday i became violently angry again and further irriated that i still cant wrap my head around paying bills here and banking. luckily the day was consuming enough that i snapped out of it to a good weekend- laundry, painting nails, food, searching the internet for the precise locations of the PO and the bank i need- for another go at the adventure maybe next weekend? or if i'm feeling really spry perhaps in a morning before work. i wonder at the days when my lists will stretch long. . .

and am going to try and remember that i have money coming to me so that the coin that seems to be rapidly flying out of my hand will constrict into a budget come friday and i'll figure all the damn things out and i have after all only been here a bit over a month. on this scrubby godforsaken island! i jest, mostly poor thing. it's been good to me. it did strike me in church today- though the sermon sucked- that my next focus was to have God give me a heart of gratitude for his provision and to be a steward of it right? a proper, ah, life on loan sort of thing. and that though i want to lock the students out of my mind i really should be asking God which ones need prayer and whatever else. let the Lord invade all the far reaching corners right? meanwhile the guy preaching on sin just thinks we need to do all we can do to turn away from temptation and though he did vaguely mention the help of the holyspirit i can't help but think, he thinks, the bulk of the work is done by sheer will and not addressing the heart or the wounds of life... so that if we just cut the behavior/addiction out- poof problem solved. it made me cringe. it did lead to a good conversation with one of the girls here which followed from an even better conversation the day before- naturally i was at starbucks and she was walking by- divine right given that ive only met like 10people on the island. and she messaged me with 'what did you think of the sermon... well let me tell you! i did regret i didn't stick around for lunch but it's a tall order if no one is immediately engaging with you besides offering you donuts you can't eat and pamphlets on monthly devotionals...

and besides my drama professor, i emailed her and she's like - find so and so ! as he lives somewhere on jeju- and i know the island is small but that seems a tall order... though it's tantalizing to me to try and connect to the art community here as an avenue of community over the 20 something church peeps- like that alone might keep me interested and engaged when school becomes a routine of challenge and the ups and downs of success and failure. i wonder at it. anyway, i did yoga sort of before i began to regret that i didn't bring my yoga mat on these now feeling ridiculously hard concrete floors with strange veneers over them and i ate too much pineapple. and how many things can i watch and download in a day and how much can i read, to what walking in the rain!? to how much free cell to really? do i have that much to do? should i be doing something else? surely there must be something... and to say then, hmm, i don't know. i just dont' know. maybe i'll think of something tomorrow. night is the hardest- because it's all piled up and there's no one to call and no one's online- except for a couple blessed exceptions of my early rising east and midcoast friends- sometimes.

allright i have to kill the cat.


somebody's mom said...

Grrr, the cat!

Daniel Bruckner said...

My God, woman. I never realized what a pessimist you are. I mean, there have been some indications along the years, but I could have never imagined it was to this extent. Yes, things are not perfect over there on fantasy island. But that's the thing, you are on fantasy island! You are apart of a new reality now. A brand spanking new experience. And here I am, sitting in my boxers reading blogs again. If I could snap my fingers and change positions with you I would. Actually, let me try that and see if it works.

{snaps fingers}

It didn't.

m said...

oh bruckner! don't worry. i'll become my happy optimistic self in no time- skipping through roses, defeating the forces of darkness, taking in orphan kittens, and indoctrinating children with love and kindness on a daily basis- not to mention, flaunting the beach thing 24/7, protesting the dogfarm, and obviously looking for the love of my life... all while downloading my favorite movies, meditating, doing yoga and making heart shapes in my latte foam.

(i mean honestly how could you never have noticed. also i prefer the term realist.)