Penelope,

You asked me in a letter back whether i wanted my love to find me or for him to come to me. It seems one in the same. The most lovely scenario is meeting him on my travels, which would be something like winning the lottery in the conflagration of events. Though conversely, it doesn't mean I'm not meant for an extraordinary story. Cath seems to think my story is a long one, with many peaks, and have only just begun. Where it would be most convenient? Church. Of course my greatest fear besides God being a fabrication of my deluded mind is that I end up an old woman, alone, with that one great sorrow, unfulfilled despite a rich and full life otherwise. It would be akin to barrenness i feel. And if that were the case in later life i'd have to be an eccentric and mysterious hermit type- and thus my line dies with me type of thing. Though I suppose I could be that kind of old woman with a family too- oh thats great grandma- she's always got that incense and candles going thing, behind the thick velvet curtains... or you know the shriveled but stout figure in a chair in the sun surrounded by flowers. Either way nobility will find me no matter how many disappointments?

But even now one should never fail to try new things despite any anticipated blows. For instance just yesterday before seeing the fantasticmrfox, which was in fact pretty fricking fantastic- i bought 2 underwire bras. Which by the way, I have never owned before. Due to a preconceived discomfort factor. And while I think my instinct was mostly correct I'm happy to find a certain positive to them also. Since I've always been so active that was a strike against them too, but time and a place right? I need to meditate more on what my breasts are saying to me while in my lime green underwire or my pink polkadot one vs. my red, black and white good and trues. But there is a difference.

The next new thing I'd like to try is acupuncture. I have this feeling, or rather since July that i need to continue to ask for help, since i'm so bad at it naturally. Plus it goes against us in so many ways, as we want to be limitless individuals with no disabilities or insecurities or massive debt mounds- and yet if we had no such things what could God do with such infallible creatures. I know not. One must let him work. We can't right the tumbling structures when our hands are tied. And thats the way it should be.

My other thoughts are that the malaise of the plague still lingers but I'm going against my impulse and going to yoga anyway? I have other other thoughts but the meaning of advent, my 1/2 way finished essay on SF and SC, and all things friends and winter will have to wait. I'm going to go meditate?

M.