Penolloween,

I was totally awesomely rewarded by working in the garden the other day. I went to transplant a dahlia and look what i found, i think in the middle of a fly lunch. I let it leap to safety back into its original habit but it is completely FAN-TASTIC. By far the raddest spider I've ever seen. Look at that personality and stylish design!! It's so awesome. Have I said?! AWESOME. Its name is "Bold Jumper Spider" or "Daring Jumper Spider"

Penstrings,

So yesterday I went to Szu-Hua's concert downtown. I have no idea who katvon d (she was hosting it), why her voice is so deep and was distracted by her sparkly gold 4inch stilettos...is, but i loved listening to the music. It was one of those things where the price was right and the adventure seemed on par with me. I didn't tell anyone, invite anyone else for the secret fear that if i were given a minute more to think about it I wouldn't go. Even up to the last hours I was fairly convinced I didn't need to go despite that I bought the ticket and told her i was coming. But anyway I took the train and even switched cars when someone got too loud or obnoxious for me to bear. (It was this girl on the way back posturing about her own kind don't like her, and she's ready to stab people. riiiight.) This is the only time i really long for my ipod to be working. Anyway- The classical music took me to all sorts of lovely visual places. The last piece seemed to me a vivid cream yellow, though it was entitled 'rain'. And at one point a red dragon flew me into a clump of trees and left me there while the world started dripping red and yellow swirly paint around me. There was a piece called 'gluttony' that was really my auditory favorite. And which I lack the skills to describe.

The only thing I was combating while i was there, was the sinking realization that this temp job i had agreed to interview was thee worst possible thing for me. It was like, at the time i swallowed the pill not realizing its disastrous effects until it was already traveling down my esophagus. The temp woman who wants me to retool my resume, offered me an interview with a 3month assignment- pretty nice of her, considering the competitive field of even temp offices. Until I crunched the #'s and the horrific realization that I make as much on unemployment, and it would be for something I'm not remotely interested in. And an equal realization i need to be way more grateful if my 3rd ext. comes through. And i wont know that until next week. But anyway faced up against that, I'll take anything, do anything- suddenly seemed really wrong. Like I was trying to walk away from a place that God deliberately had me in. And that to walk away just to walk away seemed flawed if not perilously ridiculous. Though I'm sure it would've been fine either way. I was bound up with anxiety in between beautiful strains of stringed instruments, though I think one of the pieces was geared for that- the need to deep breathe. So anyway I called her at 830 which was as long as I can wait, in between the sinking feeling that i was getting a cold, but I'll continue to blame allergies, and she was perfectly nice about it as I rattled on about needing to get ready and blahblahblah, its not right, yadda, yadda, inner voice, screeching No! in the dark all night, etc,etc,etc.

m.

m m m,

Yawn. I’m too old to stay out until 1 AM, particularly on a school night, but at the time it seemed the thing to do. Henna, the dice game called Bunco, ice cream pie and a bottle of Cupcake wine might have been involved. Also a full moon, as well as some twinkle lights.

Three days after kickboxing, I no longer feel 152 years old, so that’s progress. Everything except for my feet and my face hurt, and then I kinked my neck, on top of it all. So maybe yoga helped yesterday, or maybe it was just time and sleep. Which I didn’t get enough of last night, but I think I already mentioned that. Anyway, out of all the harder-core classes at the gym, kickboxing seems the most feasible, and least boring, and least likely to kill me off but still provide a challenge. It’s definitely a challenge, especially since it’s been over 5 years since my last attempts, and even those weren’t so breakneck (kink-necked?) paced. But you know I enjoy kicking and punching the shit out of imaginary targets; it feels productive somehow. As opposed to cycling into an imaginary distance or jumping around for the thrill of fallen arches.

When’s the last time I challenged myself physically, I wonder? Am I as strong physically as I am mentally (no) and do I care? Should I devote energy to this cause just to explore what it means? These are some of my ponderings this week. And in yoga, our intent was to hear our inner music, and mine was the ocean, which sort of surprised me.

I’ll pick up our book again for sure. I was waiting for your go. In the meantime, I finished my YA novel and picked up another one about almost-dying, and the jacket copy is so cheesy I nearly slapped the book out of J.Lo’s hands when he picked it up off the counter. Because if I weren’t me, I’d definitely make fun of me for reading it. But I love a good YA book, I really do.

I’ve got chocolate-chip cookies to eat and must figure out what on earth to do with all those green onions.

pen

Pencomplaint,

This was not the day to be stranded at home as the power is going to go off in an hour or so. (mom took the car) And my phone is flipping out and i'm getting messages from my hotmail. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. But chime-chime-chime as i'm trying to sleep...? eh. Yesterday I maxed out my CC trying to buy a bathing suit from target just so I could have an alternate, though as I looked at it later its almost too fancy for its cheap price. And am I going to swim laps in that? Which doesn't matter anyway bcs the pool is closed until the Friday and the other pool that I love in Pas is closed until mid-june. Whatthehell. Obviously I need to schedule in a beach trip. Not that I can afford the gas but whatever I have like 3 new beach dresses, which despite my effort at some modesty still spill a little bit comparatively speaking, and they're totally cute. But anyway I had my debit card with me and I also bought some fancy dental floss. I went mostly undaunted after that to yoga where I felt productive, and then met amber at sharkeys. Though I felt pukish after lunch and slightly like I'm fighting something off toward bedtime. Which may explain why I find myself feeling like a failure. Non-specified. Or that vague apprehension like i've forgotten something. Roving anxiety. My finished book, and oh! after 2 1/2 yrs juryduty found me again. I'm wondering if i want to make it my job. Get a long trial if I can? Eh. Beats trying to rehab a resume geared solely to a career in an industry I can't become employed in. Which looking around at my home group- 1/2 of us are unemployed or hate their jobs and in various degrees of disgruntled so. At least i'm not alone.

I need to take a shower but that's currently impossible and brush my teeth but I don't feel like it. I think maybe after I plant all the baby plants I'll shower outside. It's more possible than it would seem like doing other things outside, which really I don't mind doing because I'm that sort of person. As a side note the only worry i have about the bathroom is the shittylooking tub that we're keeping and i'm worried that the vanity which I think we're also keeping needs some massive overhaul before it looks anywhere decent... oh and the 80's industrial window my parents are refusing to replace. I know all of these things will look like crap against shiny new tile and a sparkly new mirror and more bathroom lighting, is all I'm saying. And it just means that I have to stare at something when i go in there and huff and think SOMEDAY. And by that I mean some mythical day when I have money? or a husband? or what? to be able to replace a shittywindow and buy a new vanity. ? Never. Anyway.

I'm a tad cranky. And everytime I sigh the muscles around my ribs hurt because of yoga. Whatever I'll sign off. I'm going to start reading our book again and I'll pick another alternate so i don't get too far ahead. What with the no power coming my way in a minute. Sure I could meditate but thats only for an hour and I'm boycotting that right now. I did however give myself a really kick ass looking pedicure and manicure. And there's a chance my benefits might get extended again. So there's that. And tanning. And I don't know what else. Oh and yah, what a weird season finale for the office. I almost liked that there was no really big cliff hanger. House was good though it seemed a bit rushed. Maybe I'll bump up my netflix to 2 at a time now. Though I only have 30 things on my que... so then what? Nevermind.

xo,
m.

m of redesign,

I’ve taken a book hiatus for the sake of one, short book that I just picked up from a weeks-long waitlist. It’s a YA. It’s good. Not much else really exists outside of the book. I should push myself to get more accomplished during the day, like writing for work or laundry or whatever. I do what I do. Summer seems to be hovering in the wings. I haven’t been to church for one reason or another for like 3 weeks or a month. We had turnips in our produce box last week and I made some carrot/turnip/cheese thing that J.Lo hated, which somehow offended me deeply. I can’t even explain. All’s forgiven now, but still. I’m wary of next week’s beets. The caterpillars continue to eat the cabbage, and a fine feast they’re having. The regular super-hardware-store doesn’t carry BT, so we have to find it elsewhere. In the meantime, we pick them off, but they’re like silent, green whack-a-moles, they just keep appearing. I’ve thought about reigniting our writing group, moving it to a platform like tumblr or something, since ning’s now charging, but then that would mean I’d actually have to write. Which I have ideas for, but I don’t know if I’m ready for. If that makes sense. Am I rambling? Totally. I watched Greys on Thursday and then Precious on Friday, which was decidedly a traumatic combo that I’m still recovering from, but I can’t say they weren’t well-told stories. I’ve managed to find a way to semi-wean (hate that word, wean, it’s like weenies) myself off FB, I delete maybe 75% of my emails without even reading them (all the non-personal ones), I refuse to read comments on any sort of news story or professional blog post anymore because people are stupid and mean and make me sick. And I’ve remained peripherally informed of the oil spill disaster, but mostly it makes me lightheaded so I can’t think about it too much because what are we supposed to do. Chicken stirfry tonight. Thunderstorms all week and an almost-full moon. Kickboxing this morning for the first time in years. I did okay in that I lived, but we’ll see how I recover and if I return. That’s all I’ve got, for now.

-pen

Pen,

I discovered today that the tea I drink at home, like everyday, has soy lecithin in it. I mean really? What-theFUCK! I thought tea was safe, thou betrayer! And why on earth does herbal tea from celestial seasonings use it? Why on earth is it IN it?! In other news during my birthday celebration week i discovered fraps were 1/2 off from 3-5 so that was yet a cherry on top to my already stellar week - and i say this to note that i tried it with soy and i was fine. So it must be the lecithin me thinks. But anyway, nevermind, lets talk about my birthday. Which for such a non-descript year that is 34, the days certainly drew together in a fine way.

Mom and I went to Vasquez rocks, which if when you come, we can't make it to Joshua Tree, this is a fine mini substitute. Preceded by a trip to corner bakery for a delicious omlette and capped off with a burger from a place called claimjumper. Our smiles, methinks, have never looked so alike.

On the 12th kerry treated me to a spa day. Technically free on your birthday but just to be rogue we went a day earlier. It started with a saline bath, a lounge pool, laying out, followed by the mineral pool, followed by the mud spa- where you stand around a giant mound of mud and slather it all over. I say- cake-it-on. Then you dry, then you rinse and exfoliate and then to the steam room. After that was lunch, followed by some reading, then my massage which started with a sugar scrub, then a rinse shampoo and conditioner, then a swedish massage which was nice and methodical but did nothing to get the emotion out of my shoulders, then the warm eucalyptus oil all over and wrapped me in a blanket and massaged my neck and hands, and highasakite i melted out of there and then later to the grotto where aloe lotion was painted all over me, then in a warm room to open the pours, and then a shower and cold sit room where we ate green apples and drank warm green tea. Kerry went to go steam again and i went to collapse on a lawn chair for the last hour. It was exhausting. Which of course was capped off with delicious short ribs. After such an auspicious and relaxing day, where a woman had heaped blessings on me for not stealing her purse but turning it in- i didnot realize virtue was a rare find ;) Danica took me out on a most wonderful adventure of quirk as only she can do. We walked to this Korean BBQ place which was rad and delicious and totally odd. These were the murals in the place. It'd just opened. And was sadly empty. We hope more people find out about this place. After that we heard a woman on the classical station sneeze on the radio. A tiny contained whisper of an achoo but she just couldn't hold it in, *achoo* deadair *excuse me* she quietly breathed out. Then we went on a prayer walk around the church and met a character named Larry who kept trying to get us to go on a bus tour. We were tempted. Then there was some fro-yo in there i'm sure. That night I had some tasty Gordon Biersch garlic fries with Kerry, Amber and my mom. My dad abdicated as we didn't wait for him to lock up the house aka buy cigarettes and whateverelse and when i got home he did say dave called to say happy birthday, but he himself didn't actually officially wish me happy birthday. But anyway then dave himself called after trying to call people to track down my cell # bcs he didn't have it. Uh huh. Awesome. But overall the day was a smashing success. Completely unplanned. ON friday I went to my favorite quiet beach, Newport, and soaked up the sun and read and relaxed and that was it. I did get stuck on a hellish 2 hour drive home but it was worth it- where upon amber had left mariokart from the night before and I played that for a solid 2 hours before heading over to Danica's again- where I was treated to a really most lovely night on the town- even if i did miss the jake gyll-- sighting. We saw a play based on love letters from wwII, had some delicious blood orange sorbet and was really just all warmfuzzyandaglow from danica and aut's treatment of me and the tea and the new teapot i now have and the mug! and all the appropriate tea things a girl should have. Then Callie and sarah not to be outdone brought saturday to a really fabulous close. Callie and I did some archery. And after some tries I did manage to get a really fabulous grouping. Then sarah came over and more mariokart wii might have been involved and delicious rosemary garlic fries and more frappachinos and she stayed on to help witness the disaster of 2 different glutenfree recipes- with ok, some success, and more mariokart wii and bowling and wii tennis.so that by sunday on the last sunday of eastertide i got the girls to group for this shot. and the rest quickly became a blur. Afterward there might have been tea and swimming and just thursday some tree hugging. But oh what a grouping of days! It was awesome. Now i'm sitting here staring at lists and their pounding away on the bathroom walls. I have upintheair to watch, and lunch to get myself so I can use a bathroom, as there may be too many people around to wander out back if you know what i mean. And my birthday was on a newmoon so it means new beginnings allegedly and I kind of wonder what on earth might be in store for me. Who can say.

More after lunch.

m.

Penolition!

As you may remember I started demo'ing the bathroom while the rents were away almost TWO (2) years to the day of this now final enterprise. My parents, lying in wait for revenge however, I came home one day to find drywall on 1 ONE wall only, with an unfinished line down the middle and none of my garbage bag art on the walls and the mold, still totally there. It sat there mocking me along with a shiny toilet paper holder- of things that could be, of things that would never come. And while 700 days have passed since that time, I was ready to turn the bathroom into an art installation- mapping out its story, literally came this .-. close to doing just that... The 1948 plaster. The 1980's rehab which stopped midsentence. The various paint jobs to make light of the apparent waiting repairs- while neglect and decay set in, and the roof and toilet replaced- telling the story of the leaky roof and the doorknob missing, and of the pipebursting. But apparently it was not to be. As I got a cryptic email about drywall being put up and demolition starting (green lit me). But as mom was soon to realize all or nothing - which i totally excel at- was exactly what this bathroom needed. Can't just put up new drywall without replacing the pipes, without replacing the ceiling, without putting in new electrical and insulation. And while we're waiting for some delays to come thru with the new house- guess which house gets attention!? This one. Though obviously the fact that my brother is coming after a 6 year absence was the inital spurning on of my mom. I while try to ignore the fact that the visiting grandchild warrents such sweeping change and yet we who live here do not- but as mom says- deadline pressure. Since they're coming on the 4th. By then- new pipes, new floor, new ceiling, rehabbed counter... WOuld you believe they coated the walls, the floor, and the kitchen sink, with almost 2"inch thick crazy solid concrete? You will note i got pretty far and then just decided to fuck it and let my dads guy Salvador do the rest, plus i may have put a chip in the bathtub. Whatevs. And i definitely didn't want to suck out the nasty attic insulation. Ugh. Arms itching already everywhere. So now as i sit here the bathroom is gutted, except for the floor which is next. And the tile debate btw mom and i is the next current, which way the bathroom is going to go- although i'm totally willing to keep the poor cabinet as long as we can make it pretty again is all i'm saying. But anyway, you must stay tuned to this most exciting!! development in the history of these here enterprises. It gives me hope! It gives me enthusiasm- a certain

special something for life and living again. I just don't know. It's like - it IS a dream come true. You will note the sleeping mountain lion. I'm going to miss him along with the sleeping curled up fox in his den and the mountain sheep. Goodbye lion! I love you!

antM finales,

So… We all knew Teyon—oops, Krista,would win, right? And I do notice that in the last episode the editors work extra hard to make sure both girls are likeable enough to be a Cover Girl. (But do they ever air those commercials outside of the competition??) I did like both girls more by the end of the episode, Krista and her cute family – and her last picture (ugly/pretty) did kick ass, for sure. And Rainna and her geeky pictures of yore, and her complete, genuine confusion that her optimism seems to piss some people off. I kind of love her optimism, even though she half needs a smack. I just always wonder how hard people have to work at that perpetual upbeatness, or does it come as naturally to them as my prickliness comes to me? I mean, I am an optimistic individual much of the time, but not peppy. I guess that’s the difference.

So anyway, I think Krista probably did deserve to win, though at one point, and I’ll only say this in a whisper… she looked really old! It was one of the closeups, and I’m sure she didn’t have the proper amount spackle on her face to fight off the evil forces of HD filming. The fashion show was kind of fun! It could have been a major cheese-fest with the fun-flirty-fabulous thing, but I liked the oddness of the circus, somehow.

And I loved that – oh wait, have you watched the first hour yet? – in the airplane runway challenge, the Jays were like, um… none of y’all have any personality…? Soo, yeah. Because it’s true. I really did not love Alexandra’s attempt at “funky” during both that challenge and the runway. Angelea was a trainwreck as usual, but I do have to say I found myself a little teary at her goodbye, like even though she was a tool for the most part this season, she really has come a long way in her life, the little bunny. And I do hope she continues modeling, because she did book all those freaking go-sees. What was up with Krista practically gobbling up her jewelry win? I mean, I guess she had in mind to give duplicates to her friends at home, or something? It just painted her as unnecessarily greedy, but then again, I think that was exactly the purpose of that scene – let’s see what she does with the extras! Kind of like making sure those kids on MTV have plenty of alcohol while living in homes with no television or books or anything else to do.

Editing at panel –- totally disjointed for sure, but I would argue no more so than past seasons? Because they intentionally amp up the drama of the unknown. Surely there were more comments about Rainna and her linebacker walk, more snark about her lack of emotional depth, or something. Her lack of versatility in a worldwide market, which by the way I don’t agree with. I see her as versatile as Nicole from Cycle 6 or Kartarzyna, who is now a pretty badass model. Regardless—I think it came down that comment from both Tyra and Krista about her win being bigger than her? for her dark-dark skin. Which I can appreciate, to some extent, except that it disregards all past contestants/winners of color and pretends it’s something new. I’m just saying. It all goes back to the lack of personality overall in this entire Cycle (except for maybe the cult girl), and not having anything more interesting to say. Get a better *spiel,* girls – if you must. :)

on to the next season,

antPEN

m,

Join me in saying hello to the roses. Why hello, roses. Who knew you’d get so exciting overnight?

m(elancholy),

It’s raining and is supposed to rain for a few days. Kind of lovely and matching my mood. The garden looks happy, though.

Caaaabbage! And orange roses. They’re here.

 

A peek into the leaves reveals squash and their ginormous flowers, and a green Roma.

Eggplant flower. BASIL.

 

I do love my garden.

-penelancholy