so ANYway -

Since I wrote you a biglongemail and accidentally discarded the draft right before sending? I hate that. I’ll cover most of what I said here. All that I can remember anyway.

• I love your evening caffeinating. I theorize that you’ll soon build up tolerance and then it will be the only thing keeping you awake past 10 PM. #ithappenedtome
• Had computer conference call for new writing job yesterday afternoon. It sounds cool enough that I would almost consider using my real name. Almost. It’s a month-and-a-half-long project that pays a little more than the last one, and I’ve been bizarrely approved to write for all subtopics? But frankly, so far, the topics are completely foreign to me, and I feel like it might not go very far. Yet it also feels like some sort of cosmic luck that I found a little work again. #ThankYouGod
• Do you mean I haven’t been Lo.Co. blogging as much about the little Lo’s? It’s very true, and it’s part of a mostly-deliberate decision. Pictures yes, and the occasional written update – and I’m still sad when they say or do something awesome (good or bad) that I fail to record. I sadly can’t keep my grip on everything. But mostly, my gut tells me they are evolving into little persons and it no longer feels “right” to blog about them in the same way? I’m dancing that fine line between record-keeping (very important) and excessive spotlighting that will one day displease (or mortify) them. And I don’t want that. They will have their own impressions from this point forward after all. I feel like I’ve landed on the right balance, for the moment, between documentation that will satisfy both my future self and future-them. Does this makesense…?
• Although, more pictures would be good. I struggled with the first month of ipod ownership – I thoroughly love instagram. But the ipod camera specs are simply dismal when compared to the iphone. Really. Not to mention, I have to be in a wifi zone to capture/post. So I’ve more or less settled on latergramming, which means using my regular camera and later converting it to insta. Which I’m sure many would call cheating, but I’m also quite certain anyone who would say that owns an iphone, and not a pod. So biteme.
• The neighbor hag is a hag is a hag. She’s one of those people who, even if their life circumstances weren’t difficult (her husband has Alzheimer’s and requires a ton of care), she’d still be horrible. Vying for attention with her sadsongs and lots of fakery to your face while, to steal a line from Mr. P. Simon – “and when my back is tuuurned/ they like to stick it to me, yes they do.” She is very sweet to my children, with no mixed motives I can discern, so I’ll give her that -but then I draw the line in the sand. Daydream of tall privacy fences separating our yards. I feel like the whole pig-poisoning conspiracy is overblown and over-hyped, but then again, she has it in her to do such a thing. The pigs were part of a Future-Farmers project wherein he’d have the pigs for 6 weeks or so and then sell them. And it’s winter, so I wasn’t overly concerned about smell. I thought it was kind of cool, honestly. They built a pen and a house for them. Named them Cracker and Kojak. But now they’ve been shipped to another location (cousin’s house?) and Cracker’s name has been changed to Norma. True story.
• I fear saying we’re closing on our house because whatever. Fear of jinxing. But allegedly? And theoretically it’s better to own than rent, or at least in this case, because they wanted to sell and be done with it, like any normal person would, so how long would they/we even feel comfortable renting after all. But anyway. I do have a list of celebratory projects in mind for if and when, like painting bedrooms, shutters, front door… and making use of a kitchen drawer that currently contains Things Belonging to the Homeowners. That I will no longer have to keep.
• Re: our book, I feel like I already sent you a dropbox invite, but will resend if I musssst. Ahem. And then, I’ll require a deadline on the next chapter. You know how I am.
• Re: wireless internet security, right or left click on your signal icon, whichever takes you to Properties, and go from there. Autogenerate a security key and then write that sucker down in case you lose it. Because you won’t be able to remember it. And that’s a good thing, because no one else will figure it out either.
• We have no children this weekend! On tap for today: a walk/hike at a park we haven’t yet been to. Fancy-ish dinner out at a place called Mol@sses Gr!ll. And lots of mental space, free from somuch clamoring. Ahh.

love to yooooooooooooou. in jeju. where I hope you are enjoying your weekend. I feel like in spite of so many troubles, rocky adjustments and tornadic evil red-haired forces (she’s the Spa Boss! in a Korean school!), you remain steadfast and miraculous. a source of inspiration and pride for your east-coast pal. and of course you’re coming to blairs for a brief internship at loco upon your return. duh.

xoxoxo penelope

photo roundup

new headband, procured on shopping trip with k.lo. makes hair seems slightly more exciting.
whenever i feel like it's too over the top, i think of what the designers wear on prorun,
and suddenly it's underplayed again.

headband close-up, taken just for you - i knew you'd request it.  "more details, penelope! i can't see it all!" 

cath said i had to read this. so after finishing beautiful chaos, i procured it from the library.
i'm delighted to see she's joined goodreads, although amused to see how different our tastes are sometimes.
 i loathed heart of darkness; she gave it five stars. i said i sort of hated history of love;
she said there must be something wrong with me.
i heart cathy. 

k.lo's been on a "let's dye stuff!" kick. "let's do science!" so i suggested the celery experiment.
this (and headbands) are how we pass the time on her random days off.
in between her chatting too much and me saying, "ugh! be quiet for a minute please!"

It's 25 degrees out,

and the wind is whipping over the waters. I finished watching my drama. Sobbing a 1/2 hour before work- the ending killed me. It was a massacre- the person you think will die does, then they all do. I mean mostly. Literally. I couldn't believe it. It seemed a little unfair. Like they were just going for it and sparing no one. I thought, is this going to kill my mood at work? I hope not. It didn't, you'll be happy to know. There was one moment in the office when i walked in and I could tell the atmosphere was tense. It's only going to get worse here on out. And then i thought- what happens when it gets aimed back at me? I don't know. I'll talk about that later. And the whole new schedule begins.

Also, and iknow you and i- same/same on this, but you are by no means boring. To yourself, ok, i get that. But to us, no, not ever. All of these things that are happening to you "we" care about.Very much. LIke for instance- what do you mean your house hasn't closed yet? And then i think oh right they were renting and then... wait, lost the time line, recap necessary, etc. and the whole pig thing right? Wait, what!? Pigs? When? I mean seriously. And did i really ever get a descrip on the crazy neighbor? I remember the one story i think and then her husband right... but poison? I mean there are huge gaps here. Let alone not really posting about nlo and klo. I mean this whole motherhood thing- what is that about exactly. Though i know it is all about us. So i get it. Anyway so many questions. i would ask more but i swear my building is about to break off into the sea. Oh and idiot abroad. You have to download a thing and go to this other thing to get it. So yes. I think it is on the science channel- division of discovery? I think? I dont know. Sigh. Too much right? Ach. Amber tried to and i forgot i shouldve walked her through it way more thoroughly now that i'm all been there/learned that. Oh and did i mention i'm now freewheeling my internet safety with avg freedownload. My uncle swears by it so we'll see. What else- oh yes, how do you make a wireless connection secure? Can you ask someone? Do you know? Help me.

All right i've got to figure out what to do now that my drama is over. I just don't know. Stare into space maybe or go to bed early?

loves,m.

shenanigans

Another penelope rundown. Most likely Very Boring.

• We are, for this moment in time, well. I mean, other than J.Lo pulling out his back again yesterday. But it only hurts when he breathes.
• Allegedly we are in the home stretch for closing on this house? I don’t know. It’s what they tell me. I’m just here to watch the various parade of inspectors do what they do.
• Cheesecake sampler purchased for V-Day at Aldi: yum.
• Children: going away this weekend. Sandwiched in between 3 days off for K.Lo, in which she will surely drive me insane.
• K.Lo is now The Grumpy One. She and N.Lo passed the baton of good/bad cheer.
• Can’t find: free, fairly accessible stream of Idiot Abroad. Will keep looking.
• Our book: still unlistened to. Do we have 3 chapters left? or so?
• Need: reading deadline.
• Walking: better than the basement elliptical.
• Elliptical: not terrible…doable. Necessary.
• Mice: two. Gone.
• Downton: one more episode before season 2 ends! Nooooooo.
• Book Club meeting: this coming Friday. Book: hate. Food & company: love.
• Churches to be officially joined on Sunday: one. I have mixed feelings on becoming an official Methodist rather than remaining Episcopalian but whatever. It’s mostly fine. It’s where we’re supposed to be.
• Unexpected part of the process: pastor home visit. Geez. Way to take a girl off guard.
• Small-town neighbors: nutty.
• Pigs: gone.
• Why? Because the pigs’ owners suspected the hag-next-door would poison them in the night. Seems a little dramatic? But honestly wouldn’t put it past her.
• Planned camping trip: yes. Memorial Day weekend. Same place.
• Bedroom furniture: rearranged.
• V-Day flowers, cards, candy: yes. Lots of them. Pilfered/became reacquainted with pop rocks. From K.Lo’s stash.
• Latest YA book with supernatural themes: overdue. But almost done. Almost.
• Tonight: taco, etc., night at church. Should I fear the etc.? Hmm.
• And what do you mean: dog farm. Ew. Agh. No. Sigh.

lovetoyouinjeju,

pen

ok, pen-

so it's a small island and i'm all nervous and stuff about talking about things but how can i relate the chaos i'm walking into? so that's why i'll do it here i suppose? i dont know. whatever. i'll try not to stress.

Person X: (there for 6 months), quits and feels called to talk about how person S is unhealthy and needs to change. They quit. [Christian]

Person Y: (there for 10months) is fired. Rather shitty regardless of whatever was going on, since it was probably more a personal issue than a professional one- so they get no bonus and have to pay back their flight and whatever. Yikes. They also tell it like it is. [Some sort of Christian]

Person Z: (There for 2months, takes Y's side, has bad attitude) is fired and moves on. I'm now replacing them.

Person A: (There for 3months) is taking it one day at a time but is probably going in 2months [agnostic christian]. Also tells it like it is but is trying really hard to keep a level head and give the place a chance but one foot, clearly out the door.

Person B: Keeps to themselves. Has been there a while. Seems to sync with S pretty well.

Person ME: calculating how long i would need to stay to extract myself and try again elsewhere by the 3rd week. And it's not that i don't think i should be there.

KTeacher1: Moves to another continent
KTeacher2: Maternity leave
KTeacher3: Leaving soon for another continent. Replacement coming soon.
KTeacher4: ? Is staying?
KTeacher5: Going back to school next month

I dont know. I mean it's not about the kids. It's the energy of the school. It's the headteacher. It's the owner. It's the administrator (same/same). You go to sleep on sunday with a tight chest and you wake up on Monday feeling dread. It's possible the whole place has bad mojo. I don't know. I just know that even with the learning curve, and the transition that there's way more going on than just getting used to a. new environment b. a new job and c. a new country. . . i mean yes routine, homesickness, physically being elsewhere, and everything all of it being different but literally walking up that hill to school is a threshold of something else entirely. I felt it grab me on wednesday, march through me on thrusday and trick me into trusting it until it betrayed me on Friday.

It's not that I dont think i'm suppose to be there because i do. I actually feel called here to help S specifically. There's just a wicked battle happening here. I don't know. It's very cloudy. Sickness and all. And apparently S has been sent messangers before me. Which makes it even crazier to me now that i see the pattern. Everything I sensed and picked up- red flags, alarms... has me going ok. I'm here. Why? How am i not going to get sucked under? It already trounced me and brought me to tears in week 3. How can i overcome it and see through it on top of all the normal obstacles? I don't know. I'm going to have to start fasting or something. Seriously. Because I know I didn't make a mistake. It was suppose to be here, this place, this job... but holy.

m.

dear february,

I sort of hate you. And I don’t even know why. You do contain the birthday of my firstchild, who is a wonder. And I’ve never minded Valentine’s. Or Leap Year. Or the Winter Olympics when they come around. I like a good snow, when it happens. I even like bare trees. I adore bare trees, and their silhouette against the sky. I loved our Chi-trip last February, and all the magic contained therein. Prophetic hot chocolate and overpriced coffee with grass undertones at the JHTower.

Things I don’t like? Sickness. I’ve hit a wall with patience and patientcare. Not to mention my own horrifying run-in with The Virus. I. Am. Done.

But beyond specificities, I find you to be a Great Big Blob of Malaise. You are the purgatory between winter and spring, the no-man’s land between striped sweaters and pastel parkas. You make me paranoid and defeated about Lots of Things. Like my dog, and the pigs next door. Whom I should probably meet before I judge. It’s just that they were tiny and cute and ran away when I saw them last week, and now they’re big and boisterous and oink at me when I walk by. Probably I should oink back. Okay I won’t blame the pigs. Even if they’re starting to smell already. But what about the friggin’ mouse you sent to my kitchen today? That. Is unacceptable. I have no words. My overactive imagination and the rat infestation film I saw in third grade will not abide.

Okay maybe I’m just tired. And annoyed. I did grow up with various mice issues after all. But then we had a cat. And now I’m allergic to cats. So I can’t get a cat.

I really hate you February. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense but it’s all your fault. I’m pretty sure m has some words for you too.

no love. no soup.

penelope

PEn-

Holy shit about bender- I totally get where you're going with that. Zep was a host of nerousis too. You have to maybe get with the dog whisperer on this one- I don't know. When zep growled at me once i picked her up by the scruff of her neck and chucked her outside. I'm not quite certain with what to do in your case as i'm sure bender is like my cat marley- with the hurt/bad hips- they're already set to agitation level high... downers maybe? Fuck though. I guess though boundaries, decreased stimulation, not setting up bender for failure in stressful situations because she can only be and do what she does, not more, and this worked with zep, not trying to pet them or comfort them when they're freaking out- that actually just reinforces that they feel they should be freaking out- hence me coming back from chi with an agoraphobic dog- mom will totally vouch for this one. But ick man. Straight to my heart.

Otherwise i've had a terrifically shitty day, mostly centering around deleting all my music files in a haze of stupidity and flu this am. really need to figure out that file share thing. capped off with trying to get sushi and it taking an hour, ending with soggy rice and too spicey chicken tonight. But whatever i'm sure tomorrow will be fine. And yes, we can get back to the book. Can we say end of week though? I think mentally. I understand about all the tasking the church can impose- it's all about asking Jesus where he wants you, where your gifts are so that you can focus your energies there otherwise it's all too much right? i hope that's not a kiss off but really- good boundaries, focused martialled whatever-

Also really the color of that frosting is delightful... makes me wish i could a. find butter. I'm sure it's somewhere in some container that i cant recognize and b. syrup maybe... i don't know. I should start a list. There will be a long list- oh also, yes, brooms are easy to find- cheap plastic things- but i'm almost out of money. It's like food, or the power strip, food or the broom, food or the trashcan. Fuckitright? Because then it will be food or bus tickets etc- it's not going to get that bad. I get paid a little something on the 10th i hope??? I'm not sure when they start or end the cycle. I get reimbursed in 2wks maybe- mom is helping with bills but still- yikes. It all adds up- detergent, toilet brushes, fuckinghangers, closet shelves... blah.

alright ive got to spread myself out.
love- m.

they are sucking me dry.

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true this very instant, but this week – I had some moments. Like after tending to the sickies for a few days, and then it all seemed to go away and I breathed a sigh of relief. Ah. I made it through without (fully) losing my mind. Now on to birthday preparations, go go! But no, K.Lo was sick, again. But then it was just fallout from her meds, as noted specifically on the side of the bottle. So on to school she went and the world was righted again.

But don’t think I didn’t feel Very Sorry for Myself. I did. I still kind of do. Because these creatures are so very draining. Need need need all the time and then some. All three of them. And then the dog (the one who is nuts) does something completely unacceptable like bite J.Lo, enough to bruise and break the skin. It was while he was testing out K.Lo’s new scooter, and the kids were chasing, giggling and screaming, and who knows what was going on in the Bender’s mind – fun, protectiveness? Idiocy? But now there’s the question landing in my lap of what to do. Sometimes I really hate those questions. The ones you don’t ask for.

Anyway anyway. Even though I’m completely useless tonight and the same last night, I’m not discontent. Lovely celebration of 6 for the little bug. Stayed awake during the latest installment of ProRun. (But not Grey’s, whose ridiculous premise exhausted me after 5 minutes.) Succeeded in cake-baking, with the assistance of new pans, colors and an icing spatula received Christmas. They all work delightfully. And the thieved items from Walmart were flower picks, which I used to hold my Tinkerbell decorations, which I cut from a birthday card.

Church tomorrow. (Will we – you and me – finish our book?) Even though I hate the first Sunday of the month because of the awkward grape juice thimbles. Ugh. I can’t even talk about it at the moment. There is a series of three Newcomers’ Classes, and tomorrow is the first. Which I’m gathering are sort of lectures…? possibly boring? But I’m game.

Sometimes, on the third hand, I feel like very quickly it all becomes toomuchtoask. Like yes, classes. Yes, reception to be received into the church. Yes yes. Wednesday night dinners/fellowship/play practice for kids. Okay. Relay for Life in May? Umm. And related fundraiser Shrove Tuesday WHO’S COMING! WHO’S VOLUNTEERING! Oh and unrelated to church the local kids’ consignment sale that I bank on to get rid of all of our outgrown things? Signup was like 3 weeks ago. Apparently. And the sale is in a month. And I realized at the last sale that I need to give myself a full month to get all my shit together. So. Um.

No rest for the wicked.

But get well, you. And track that ocean – is it a mendacious mood ring? Or simply a beast/beauty upon which to meditate.

lovetoyouinjeju,

pen

P.S. I was totally that attentive kid/melter-downer in kindergarten. That’s me! Aw. The poor little bean. He’ll be fine so long as you are, as you are, consistently kind.

we are making fairies

Me and K.Lo. For a mobile.

For you my love, Here's to cultural exploration.