m’s heart is sad

And so therefore is mine.

 

Rest in peace, sweet Bodo. Hope you are chasing tennis balls in the sky.

Pen-

So this is what I wrote to the woman for the job i was up for. Not sure if i shared it with you- so i'll enclose it now. Having not found the words yet to reply back to her I do find they fail to meet my requirements for a job as i am not being communicated with, trusted, utilized, needed or purposeful... It bums me out. Let's be honest. I was going to complain about my dog not being better or worse and now slightly better than before? And the vet just giving him anti-dizzy meds but not anti-biotics. But you were on chat. So we chatted. It's different for us. Though different in a, we used to communicate via chat years ago and here we are again. As neither of us want to write tomes on feeling stuck in the same place. I mean we should- we will soon I'm sure. But for now. LMFAO and TTYL. ;)

How do you describe yourself?

I would describe myself in the following list: independent, creative, goal and task oriented, lover of lists, organized, pragmatic, highly verbal and communicative, tragically not mechanical or engineering minded, INTJ, good at discerning systems and concepts, craves order and boundaries, does well in crisis, reliable, loyal, calm and driven.

When people say what do you do? how do you answer that?

I say I’m an artist. If pressed I might expound on the various work I’ve done (from research, scenic artist to tour guide and stage manager), and of those, which have been significant to me- in my development as an artist, or personally what I’ve enjoyed putting my hand and mind too, or found challenging. Sometimes I may even wax philosophic on the fact that I come from a line of craftspeople and sheep herders (I love to see my place in an historical context.)

And when someone asks you what do you want to do in the future? What is that answer?

I tend to give myself a degree of latitude in this area, as my answer first addresses the fact that in the future I hope I am still actively learning, pursuing knowledge, and creatively developing, and challenging myself- so that I am not doing a disservice to myself or to the people that know me, in exploring and living in the world. I try to strike a balance between pursuit and avenues of change—being open to the possibilities of the unexpected, while walking in what I know. I don’t want to close doors, just because I can’t conceive of them!
The answer that relates to work, the dollar and cents issue of future, usually address the basic needs I find most sustaining in work environments- that usually being community, feeling needed and utilized, trusted, communicated with, and purposeful. Overall I know I need something that meets both my financial needs and matches my skill set, and an ability to gain experience for future employment would also be beneficial—as being grounded is just as important as being visionary. I most want to be responsible and helpful.

As I had,

just today thought my dog Bodo was on the verge of death. Turns out he might just be dizzy. Mom and dad just took him to the vet. And they're keeping him overnight. I see this as an highly appropriate to my own life. I mean he may still die soon. His hips are bad. He really was not getting around well. And he's still victim of the natural law. I'd like him to die in his sleep. Pass peacefully. NoneofthisheartwrenchingSuffering business. That pathetic and heart rending look from those dark, soulful eyes of worry and not quite rightness and no language but common emotional searing to tell me. I am allowing myself to grieve the short terminable life of dog and mankind. It is after all tragic. Even though I know we are subject to frustration in the hopes we will be set free from bondage and decay. It SUCKS. So I am grieving. It's all very lenten.

And his dizzy muddled decaying condition I still can look out the window and call it lovely. Call him lovely. The sky, the rain, the fragrance of flowers snatched on the wind- as i myself feel carried in the choppy waters will try not to speak death upon myself and life. I will simply look out and up and call it lovely. Because inside all is internal chaos and churning- threats of cliff jumping, failure and unpleasantness- heavy handed upon my heart. But outside of me,  it doesn't seem so bad.

i guess…?

Here are a few picture of New Town. I’m still a bit doubtful frankly... of either the town or my photography abilities, or both. These were taken on my bday as part of the quasi adventuring meant to spruce up the day. Many signs of spring abound. As well as some desolation in so many empty and/or struggling storefronts. There are more faded signs on brick buildings, more architectural details to cover. And let’s not forget the Tobacco District. I’ll get there someday. It’s a photojourney, or somethinglikethat.

Historic bldgs. Part of some tour?

Episcopalian church that I attended a few times.

Outside view of the post office, which btw is not v. clearly marked. I finally found where it actually says “post office.” Does not exactly stand out when driving by in one’s car.

Love these. However. at least one of these places hosts skeezy clientele. So I hear.

 

Whimsy.

Children.

Uhh… deer? And some sober words.

Streetviews.

There’s another wig shop right across the street. Seriously.

And yet this entire panorama of stores is abandoned.

Glimpse of aforementioned Tobacco District.

J.Lo’s office building. And the historic marker out front. We hope not heavy with symbolism.

Next door – justice.

True story ~ K.Lo: “Mommy, how did that man get turned to stone?”

 

Another side street.

And the magic of tutus, striped socks and soccer cleats.

somethings -

K.Lo wished to pass along the following photo to you. She came back with her fabricated once a pinwheel/now an umbrella contraption only to find that you weren’t “in the computer anymore.” Which caused a sadface. But then I said I’d take a picture and send it to you. And she smiled. She’s been talking about you and Marley and Bodo ever since.

A day in the life, indeed. Yesterday we finished rescreening the porch, which adds a whole extra room to our house, relatively free of bugs and blistering sun, which makes a fair penelope happy. Here’s a glimpse. But I need more pictures. That’s the table from my parents, along with the chairs, that I plan to sand and paint in outdoorenamal RED.

Also, I am apparently allergic to all sandals, even the pricey ones. Really. It’s almost as bad as you being allergic to strawberries. My feet are just so itchy and the world is cruel.

And I as I noted to you, the kitchen will be cinnamon. Here are the choices, but it’s going to be the top one. Two “cinnamon stick” and a “cinnamon cherry.” And there’s the fluorescent overhead issue which I really did not mean to cause. I mean it was an issue in that I do not at all love and in fact get a headache in response to glaring fluorescents. But now it’s an even bigger issue in that I removed the cover to disable two out of the four lights and then um sortof broke said cover when attempting to put it back up? Oopsie. Anyway. Cinnamon stick. Top one.

And short on funds, kitchen lightless, etc, I’m down to the selection of kcups that came free with the kcup brewer, and most of them are “bold” or “extrabold?” Which is just – bold. Bold coffees do not eff around. They are like, I AM COFFEE. HI. And I’m like, um. Hi. Hello. You don’t taste like grass or even a diner beverage requested to be topped off every 30 seconds, but here you are. Hello.

To continue our supermoon thread occurring via email, here are my pictures. Here is the supermoon where I live. I’ve frankly seen it bigger – twss – but it was still wicked in my sky.

Last night we watched the vampires that I got for my birthday. I love the vampires. The movie was slipped into the box containing my cake when I wasn’t looking. Oh and here’s my serenading K.Lo along with my cake. I’d show you the top, but they messed up at the bakery or something and it didn’t say penelope. Some other girl’s name. So strange.

I can’t believe it about that wedding that ended? I mean what a sucky return on your investment. You should at least have gotten unending love and commitment out of your $800+. I mean honestly. Also yay for Sarah and her glutenfree pizza secrets. I saw a slice myself and attest it did actually resemble pizza. Not that I’d ever eat it myself, but I’m totally happy for you.

xoxoxoxo

tortured. artisty. pen.

so,

i painted my nails red and am contemplating hairstyle and accessory choice for the wedding tomorrow. the first one i've been to since '07? i guess i shy away from people getting married? or ? none of my friends are getting married? i went to too many when i was in my 20's along with all those babyshowers. lets be honest. i mean i'm never going to see a monetary return on all of these. and this one wedding i was in. spent nearly $800+ on ended. sad. and then i think will i ever and ... i responded to her saying, WOH! but never heard back after. nevermind.

i really was going to talk about this awesome glutenfree pizza i got to have courtesy of sarah and her awesomeness, and then i got to have some again, and again and it was still as fantastic as it was before. oh and i suspended my netflix for a month. i'm going to just call it a lent thing. last week up until about wednesday i felt pretty onboard and now i just feel checked out. oh and vandals came and effed with my church garden. beyond uncool. and i'm $70 short on bills for the month. thankGOd for moms. this week begins the official breaking back out of the credit card to pay for things like gas... and the beautiful mercy of my friends who treat me to lunch and dinner and lattes- it rends my heart to be so taxing? or needy? but then i feel the love. so it can't be all bad. the feeling? of feelings? but will i ever be not needy in this way? isn't it just a tad unproductive?  i'm trying not to let circumstances steal my joy. because there always will be circumstances won't there? and monday i'll get back on schedule- do some prayer, job search, play borderlands for 5 hours. go to church- since we're canceling services bcs the LAmarathon is running down our street, and so we're having services Monday? yah, i don't know. why not i guess.

maybe work on the quilt tomorrow cuz as lisa points out i totally should. and finish it. even though i have no one to will it to. or heirloom it too? but still its for me right if no one else. and thats something. and one day i'll have a bed to put it on. maybe. well anyway its going to rain tomorrow and i'm going to stalk snails who are eating my maidenhair ferns. for now i think i will get some water and channel surf.

sincerely tortured,
m-artist.

Future Pen,

Look it's the FUTURE!

We finally are trying out future means of communication. We are not entirely sure about it. The frenetic energy of webcamming. It was fun though- the day in the life of. I got to see her brood and her Best BF J.lo. And she brought her bobblehead Dwight out just for me. I'm sure we could master the art of such a thing. But it might be more reserved for when we're feeling whimsical or daring. I'm not sure. I think we did manage to talk about some things. Cards were mentioned. Birthday events. Much talk about CornBeefCabbage something or other. Cats. Dogs. Sarcastic references to jobs, money and spinsterhood were made. I got to see dolls and backpacks and see nlo. and his clothes on backward. Pen assured me before that he was not naked. And klo was running around in a bathing suit but that's because there was a lu-ou? how do you spell that. lu... something happening downstairs. And that the basement was a place they were going to have to get used to. Pretty fantastic. and yea! good times!

It seems as if it was some sort of silly dream. A good dream that charged my morning in a positive way just now. I'm all smiles and that was sillyness. Next time we'll have to have tea or pick a craft. Our energies as much as we sit down to type do not do well to sit down and talk pretend. I would ponder this more, and i'm sure pen has much to say, but i have that xbox game borderlands to play.

m. OUT.

Oh My Penny Goodness,

i heard the door shut and i rolled out of bed, avoiding the brick stairs, and began a maddash for supplies. ferreting aroundi n closets and kid supplies. i thought to myself, my most awesome friend should be celebrated. the happy thoughts surrounding your existence are no less diminished a year later.

can any more be said?! its your birth-day. you arrived on earth to be one of the most imaginative lovely caring things in my mind. you arrived so we could have mystical encounters over hot-chocolate. and navigate our way through all of lifes circumstances together over words pauses and sentence breaks. you are a blessing.

 i mean you know i don't have a present per se for you (um yet?) and thanks for not holding it too much against me. it sounds like you have a lovely day planned (look for the unexpected and divine? dare i say hunt for whimsy?). some room for deviation, meandering (tossing pennies at birds... i mean in fountains)-- 33 has got to be good. just the look and sound of it really. i agree with you about the feel and look of #'s. i remember 33 being good even though i had just climbed a volcano at 32 and was completely jobless. the # can't disappoint. no matter how maudlin we become.

i think the thing of it is we grow into our birthdays. we fill the larger numbers out and it takes more time to build word by word and feeling after feeling what the age might mean to us and then what it means after the fact. we're putting stake in something like a solid investment of yields and or recession like shenanigans that produces something by the years end unexpected or unique or even disappointing- but to us would be termed as ridiculous or absurd or even a better story, a more definitive arc. some dip or turn that makes for better reading. as long as your birth day and year doesn't leave you feeling small. as long as it leaves you feeling infinite. and no matter how singular you feel we are right next to you, thanking God for you. this life. this beautiful thing growing most curiously across the continent from me. the skeptical eyebrow raise, the way you described coffee tasting like grass on the 96th floor in that highrise, your head shake at lemon butter slathering, and how that lady didn't get on the elevator with us for obvious reasons. or that reassuring stare that tells me i am not alone... and much and many more.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR FRIEND.

(commense obnoxious yippy skippy dance with hands claps clap clapping.)