pen-

dearest,
your necklace was at one point close to being completed but has been cut up and dismantled by me. i'm not sure if i was being destructive or if i assembled something without really thinking it through. it was in a 'work or else' sort of mood bound with superglue and it wasn't quite right, but beautiful, but not right- and after having struggled for some conclusion the last hour just gave up the idea of it being synchronous and put the knife to it. poor tattered bits.

also and perhaps coupled with the traumatic death of dear zep seared into my memory not unlike the death of that starling in the cage or the stray cat listless over the bowl alongwhileback i am in no mood to be disagreed with by my art or by people using the word business in the same sentence as art. i get physically ill at the thought. and bottom line i am an Artist and the word commodity makes me nervous, perfect and flawless make me even more nervous. you might as well say make something that will not break, fail or disappoint. make something more than indifferent. make it saleable... i won't attempt it even when money is at stake. i don't know if i'd save my life and make such a choice. and even after 2 squares of chocolate and a popsicle i would not say my mood is conciliatory. also i'm waiting for my edd check, hoping there's nothing wrong with it. bcs that really means my low level apprehension will turn to full blast apprehension. then i can start panicking about money, charging things, debt, gas, my faithlessness, my oily skin. also i forgot to vote in the 2 hour window i had and i need to finish shoveling dirt in the yard and plant the new snapdragons. and confess to you i really don't like tomatos. the world is better without them when they're not homegrown and thats just the end of it.

also, i would talk about seattle and i want to load pictures and tell you about things like icecaves and my cautious self, and wheatless in seattle and having delicious things like blueberry lavendar muffins, but its like my mind has gone dormant to reminisce. and there are these bumps on my arm from who knows what and there's a crick in my shoulder still and my butt hurts from sitting all day. even before that i couldn't really see straight... though i did get a dress down from $109 to $13 and a top down from $60 to $14. thats a real success hanging up on the closet door. so nevermind about not having a family and being lonely when i have that, and friends to play xbox with. and yet still.

something vacant and lonely in the air. quite like fall. not quite like the darkdays of february but still, besides zep, there is something missing. just a little off center and wobbly. down to getting no texts, halted phone conversations, answering machines. the limping cat with the hurt front paw who comes to the backyard table now as a break from catching birds. and as the tide comes crashing in with a thunderous thump and dash, knocking you down a bit and its too salty and there's too much sand and there's a riptide you see, sucking at your ankles, as your quads quiver and shake you to shore. and you think, fucking ocean. you vast indifferent monster, and there's just you hauling your own ass up the bank to keep from drowning. just makes me a tad resentful. and there's the boat again at dock waiting to take you back out again into the storm because that's where i belong right now.

but nevermind. i'm about to splay out on the sand and stare at the stars and breathe that deep cool air and wait for the dawn, and for the people to come and tell me the ship is about to sail and make sure i have provisions. and the water will lap at my feet and it'll feel warm when i'm prone and trying to find the big dipper- and dreaming about wheat free chili and gluten free sourdough. and i'll make a note to request that from the galley and try to forget about being seasick. try to dream about that crisp quench of clubsoda and the butterfly at my nose.

m.