i'm having one of those days where i feel stretched apart. and misdirected. somewhere outside of myself where all my true intentions were and all the turns that led me to some self i don't recognize or fully grasp. it is probably just this place. i am notoriously allergic to both flourscent lighting and central airconditioning, and soullessness. and then, there's no view of the outside. this morning i was imagining the parking garage collapsing, and all the millions of dollars of cars being crunched. of course i imagined being able to get lolly out, but knew i could not have it both ways. the other day i imagined my house collapsing and I had become uncertain as to what i would grab and which window i would exit. just like that. i had to think for a minute about the box of writing and putting it in a leather purse so i could find it. and oh yes, the computer harddrive. right. what else. i wonder why at that moment everything took on a flat and stateless look. nothing was pleading at me. or why i'm beginning to imagine disaster scenarios...
there is of course the matter of a certain shoe purchase. i did 'just do it'. compromising both the purchase of a wii and debtpaydownness. but we'll see when they come if it was worth the sacrifice. this is an easy undue. with easy return policies. talk me through it...but i am yearning for a new wardrobe. it could be this turn to fall and school and watching too much theatre that the whole old self of me is being provoked. and my new self is stirring as well. its not a bad thing, this coming into a new self. a new name. but more time passes and the old self is left further behind and old self misses school and acting and new self wants to lose weight and write a novel and a new wardrobe incorporating argyle and fauxwool. current self thinks this is a matter of indigestion, canceling plans like the artwalk and maybe a frappachino fix, or a nap if any of myselves napped. but they don't. or counting down the days till seattle and blisse'd unemployment. i mean i have only been working for 9 wks (-1 in the middle). and have 4 more to go. its not as bad as all that. but considering my age. no, don't do that. none of the selves would agree to that.
this self has to go. this self loves that you've gotten up and gone. and can't wait to see that shiny passport pic and you stepping over an international threshold. there is so much there waiting for you- even if its ancient and familiar. this self will close her eyes and imagine that very thing- a very thing to hold and record and carry with her. after all this is no place for a beating heart to be. but for now it holds time anyway.