and then sometimes, too, you're all

encountering ants floating in your tea, attacking the cat food, crawling over-EVERY-THING. Just now on your arm as you try and type. Rude. And having dressed yourself, and cut those short pants to capri length- realizing the outfit is not appropriate for either working in the garden or doing yoga. The only two things you've set out to do today. And the stripped shirt has a hole in it anyway and a couple stains so you might as well junk it but who has the monetary funds to do that? And the pants, they work- they fit great. They were free. It was a gift. It was amazing.

I did edit a document last night for $20. That was nice and unexpected. It took too long. Did I change too much? Did he really like it? How about that ending though? He didn't say it was amazing but it really was, unless it was too  much? Was it too much? It was good though.

But then there's the - am i using too much butter? Am i eating too much healthy ezekial bread with that butter? Too much snacking right? Clearly. Not enough movement. But my foot. The snarfing. And these allergies. The popcorn though, and the fruit, and the hummus and crackers, am i back sliding? I'm not backsliding. What is that anyway. But down the ladder that's where I want to go. Not undo what was done. Because it's amazing. If i make it to october or november this size it'll have been a year. A cause for celebration and downward trending.

But nevermind, the day is partly cloudy. It's ticking by. The dishes can wait. This beating oscillating hemming and hawing, that can wait. Let me go pull weeds. Let me go do just the one thing. Among the blooming buzzing brilliance--- be, beauty, being, best...

m.


ps. I don't even have bruckners address- but if it's the same place its off LFB near Normandie... right oh or was that Franklin before LFB forms. Ok yes, i think that's it, on the left hand side- no right hand, i'm dyslexic--

and then sometimes

You buy a bag of mini powdered donuts and they're all wet. Ew.

Or you spend hours sorting through a bunch of outgrown clothes to consign online, at this place that seems really cool, and came recommended, and after setting your expectations super low (maybe I'll get a buck apiece - $20+? that'd be okay), they only give you $6.41. Man that pissed me off.

I am however SO EXCITED that Michael Kors will be judging the ProRun finale. In which I'm rooting for Michelle.

And excited to have picked up two delicious-looking YA books at the library yesterday evening. Maybe I'll even settle down enough read them.

I'm in desperate need of yoga for my ridiculous limbs. Aging is sooo overrated.

Last night of bells practice! Until the fall. Last Wed. night dinner, too. A small, only-handbells potluck.

Here are the vegetables.

And here is the puppy.

I love them both, but in different ways.

My ridiculous arthritic carpel tunnel hand is completely distracting me today.

I hand-wrote an invitation last night - I'm going for typewriter font, so I suppose my hand was crunched oddly - but still. One invitation. And my entire forearm and hand are still off-and-on asleep. Does this seem strange to anyone else? I wear a special glove for crafty activities and everything. I don't get it. I'm trying not to obsess. You can see that's working very well. 

Perfect weather. I mean really. Other than the fine haze of yellow dust settled over ev.ery.thing. In fact I'm still wearing a sweatshirt, so it could be a little warmer, but as it is I am camped out on the back porch with the doors and windows wide open. Hello, spring. Here you are, after all. 

The CSA that I can barely afford at the moment is completely worth it - I don't know that I'll keep picking up directly at the farm, because it's kind of a haul, but it's flippin' adorable. The farmer who runs it! Love him! He doesn't say much, but he's super sweet. And last week loaded us up with a bunch of strange vegetables I wouldn't normally touch, but they've expanded our recipe horizons and so far there's been no complaints. From the people who actually it is, anyway.  

For our garden fare: there are sweet peas, which look way better than the sad few of last year. And the lettuce is sprouting, I think? Hard to tell with weeds that are also sprouting. And the whole thing needs more water, I know. Oh, and then, from the rotted pumpkin that was in the corner, there's a pumpkin patch that could take over the world . So I'll have to reign that in. But so far it's the winner, the first on the mat in this leg of the Amazing Race. 

Are you watching that this season? We're three eps behind. On that and everything. But all in due time. 

I'm completely antsy today. Damn hand. Haven't read a book in days. But maybe the library tomorrow. And the continued ponderance of summer break, which arrives shortly. I'm approaching it with not a shred of blind optimism; this year I'm aiming for full-fledged practicality. Like we can't afford camps every week, but maybe one or two? Or one camp and a class? Sprinkled in there to anticipate and maintain the momentum. Dare I dream. A camping trip? There's a cool-weather spot allegedly maybe 3 hours from here. An early June wedding. A possible late-summer road trip. A July ninja visit! Swimming lessons? A whole lot of uh, free time. And, you know, generally keeping everyone alive and relatively sane. Let us go forth with the least-favorite season and may we uncover any wonders it may hold. 

Hand: still asleep. Killing me. 

Go,

The oscillating is like this- moving fast, humming and vibrating but not matching my surroundings. Out of time. Responding as if the wall of physical space and time were still there. Finding in a certain sense others behaving the same. So much cultivation to do, reclaiming, and grooming, and re-inventing. The lists are so long. But,

I find myself here. Unable to think much or move. The updating and progress of my days comprised of conversations I can't seem to hold onto, a familiarity that dismisses the absence, of doing this and that, and staring into space. but then again... it's only been 23 days? But then in that amount of time in another context I'd moved every few days down the length of a country... but then my time here has been no less profound- its just masked. What i should be doing is writing postcards. Maybe that will help.

odd-ends

So it's spring break week for the children. Nothing like spring break to make you want a break? Holy shiz. I mean I'm hormonal, so life perspective is inherently skewed. But ho.ly.shiz.

Rather than one long blog-story, my recent life exists on bits of scrap paper ~

We tilled the garden-earth. Add moss and manure and it's already looking better than Year 1. Planted lettuce and peas and soon eggplant and tomatoes, courtesy of mom. Go garden go! That's my favorite day of the whole year possibly, fraught with sunshine and hope and possibility.

Directly before said gardening, the following occurred in the span of maybe 30 minutes: a tick crawled up my leg. a wasp dive-bombed my head. a black widow spider lurked in the soil. An omen of anything? Maybe the actual tick bite discovered later, which STILL ITCHES and I assume will continue to do so for three months, like they do.

No job for now. Maybe August. I mean it makes sense and I get it, but still feel whiny and tragic about the cold hard facts. Freelance filler in the meantime is just so unreliable. Friggin' ugh it stresses me out.

The Sophie has tripled in size during her 7 weeks here, weighing in at 21 pounds. Vet visit number three we took in our usual stride. Next month: last shots and spaying. At a reduced cost we hope.

Starship Lo.Co. allows us to do magical things like tote large objects places and so we finally got rid of that crappy front door sitting in our garage for a year and the stupid lawnmower that ran over a culvert last year. I don't know what that thing was thinking when it went all suicide bomber - had nothing whatsoever to do with its driver, I mean it. So anyway, we left this sign taped to its handlebars in case someone wanted to adopt it. And because we just could not help ourselves. 

On ep 2 of Jericho; it's scratching the Netflixitch for the moment. 

My hag-neighbor's husband has gone to the hospital/nursing home again. Which is a good thing as far as caretaking goes, in that she won't have to live that exhausting existence anymore and he'll have the care he needs. But also it means she's more available to suck one into a conversation, and I hate talking to her. Because as regularly mentioned and oft-noted, she is a hag. So I'm totally happy for her! but she still sucks. 

We're on a SuperMario kick here, in which mommy conquers new worlds and N.Lo thinks I'm wicked awesome. And he has that video game brain that daydreams and devises new plans. But hell if I can't conquer the volcanic hellfire that is World 8! I secretly want to play without an audience sometimes just to make some strides. 

I love church as usual but am currently maxed with it - in accordance with hormonalness - blah. Stupid leadership and bible study - don't. wanna - any of it. But I don't know. Potluck et al tonight could be a welcome distraction from springbreaking? If the brownie fairy would come and make some for me or whatever. 

Onward to another day with library, futile-freelance, puppy-play and not-killing the children!

xoxox

pen 

Ready-Set,

The journey back took longer than expected, but you can start sending me letters again.

Let me recall where I was. It was Laung Namtha. My roommate kept me up by asking me a full litany of questions about Christianity. We started with light topics like abortion, ran through the gammit with Jesus and forgiveness and ended with just a dusting on prophetic prayer. But by then it was past 1 and she had a bus to catch in the morning. So she left me, and I prayed that kind of thing about soil and truth taking root... more on that when i bring myself up to present day Easter.

The morning was nice. I don't remember anything pressing as I sat down to breakfast. The power had gone out. My laptop was being funny about charging- now we know why. I think the adapter died or got fried. Who can say. I had tea and tried to make the time pass, with nothing to do and an afternoon plane. Papaya salad. A bland pho. Then on the back of a caged truck to the airstrip. Twin engine plane sort of thing. A woman hacking behind me, setting my teeth on edge. Loud group chatting and laughing adding to the dissonance and discomfort, the slight nausea creeping in and the heat.

Touchdown.

I didn't want to bother the missionaries. So I let them be. I bravely, the 2nd time around walked out of the airport and caught a public tuk-tuk into town- the price difference being akin to something like .50c or $7. Nevermind the germans who just let me walk off and didn't even offer me a ride, and that's after I nudged them.

Anyway I met up with my Laung Prabang roomie Alex for some slight room savings, to commisserate and decompress with. I had some delicious fruit smoothies, overwalked through wats and the city heat sans my sun hat which i'd lost somewhere back wherever. I had a limp. The a/c barely worked and it got worse the 2nd night. We got a discount. I bought some paper umbrellas. I ate a stale croissant. I drank beer with my indian food. We got eaten by mosquitos. I got a skant amount of sleep. And then I was walking through the streets at dawn. I sent Alex off to get her photographs of monks on the backdrop of the Mekong Delta and i was determined to walk the 4km to the airport if I had to- but I didn't, and still paid too much or as expected, for my transport that I flagged down and at one point felt pretty sure I was being kidnapped but it led me through a neighborhood past saffron swathed holy men sitting in plastic chairs chatting with some men, your usual stray dogs, and a dissassembled manniquin stuffed under a circular picnic table, only to finally turn me back on course after dropping off cab passenger.

And then there I was in the Bangkok airport with 8+ hours to kill. I think I spent $20 on lunch and later, tea and chocolate cake. And almost came to tears as they wouldn't let me check in until 2. I read a magazine and a book, and took an hour nap on a traveler worn couch in the corner of the 3rd floor holding pen, and then on the way to taipei failed to sleep at all but watched something about marigolds and india. And then rather inocuously the next airport where i changed into another outfit and used my oliveoil infused cleansing wipes, and flossed, and took a 20minute nap in an empty waiting room themed all about the post office. After I slept a vomina pill induced 6 hours I watched two movies about skies falling and bravery. Both I felt lackluster and hardly earned sentiment, but then there it was, the plane was landing, and after hobbling to the customs line, 41 people ahead of me, my blue bag slowly chugging around, another line and a customs officer saying that I was braver than he was to have been where I have been for as long as I had been I skipped up the plank to see no one at all waiting for me as they eventually had fallen back and apparently were in a rapt conversation about the zombie apocalypse when I approached - and then they rather distractedly were like, hey! yea! welcome home! It was pretty funny.

I had really been craving fruit smoothies obviously and I found the weather freezing. But I ended up at in/out having a burger, finding my friends to be rather fatigued looking but happy to see me, Lolly detailed and cleaned, and then later balloons, a bouquet, my starbucks card with a little cash on it, and ribbon hanging here and there and everywhere. Param ran right up to me and followed me into my room. Twist fled. And marley took a bit to not be mad at me. I sat down later and played Portal which was another thing I really wanted to do with Amber. And then there it was. My first few hours back.

More on oscillating, and time warps later.
My love,
m.

 

God doesn't want me to work at Home Depot

That's my conclusion for today, as you fly the friendly and I would hope not hostile skies. Or at least I assume you're on a jet plane, headed - HOME! Eee. Excited for you. But back to me, obviously. So there was some random Weather happening yesterday, freezing rain and sleet and snow, all the things that allegedly never deter postal workers, but schools - forget it. K.Lo is on a 2-hour delay OF COURSE because I had an interview at 8:30AM. Someday I'm going to look back on these mishaps and shake my head and sigh. Rueful laugh. Oh wait, it's already happening. I think I'd feel more put out if I could stomach the idea of being a greeter. Here, pretend to be a mega-extrovert for several hours! It will be great. And you don't even get a discount on your garden supplies. As it is, I cannot even get through to say I can't be there. Awful. I'm either re-routed, because no one wants to take that message, or sent to HR, where the call is dropped before VM can pick up. Every. Time.

So you know, I hope the other one works out. Have interview tomorrow afternoon at a consignment shop that said they weren't hiring until, apparently, they saw my awesome application? Right right. Anyway, I'm sure they pay much less, but do offer discounts, first dibs, and most importantly, scheduling around the fact of being a mother. Which frankly is priceless.

And yeah, the Pam Beasley Question. That's totally it. It's enough, absolutely. I'm enough even without that. Duh, right? But then I get in my head that should I be required to work (and I need to) to avoid that razor's edge, then it has to be fraught with meaning or otherwise completely worthy of my time, and me of it. And then I swirl down into the conventional spiral of college education and The Promise aka Great Lie of "you can be whatever you dream!" as long as you get one and oh wait that's clearly not true. And then I plunge into darker channels about bringing children into this world and what was I thinking - oh wait - Love. And despite my combined Wrong Education and lack of Right Experience, I can and should still change the world. But roadblock, roadblock. Red tape and more tape. It's depressing even scratching the surface, which of course I never do. I delve. And I struggle to get back to that hopeful waiting thing, but whine, it's hard. So many available options to talk yourself out of it, convince yourself that you somehow don't have value in the world - but again, that's the wrong question.

Stupid human condition.

I fell asleep during the latest ProRun last night - how could one not, really. I have to go back and finish it before discussing what on earth - how - the winning team was the winning team. I mean, Michelle's was perfection, but Daniel's? Am I missing how that dress wasn't a life-size Barbie dress from the 80s? Like the kind literally for a child's doll, not someone trying to dress ironically. Those were shoulder pads, I'm sure of it. And that color! Blech. Collectively I thought the other team of two should have won - for once, I really liked P's in particular.

And are you watching the Amazing Race?? We're not quite caught up, but last week's - Hanoi! and pho! a pho challenge! What! And our missing ingredient was apparently coriander. Now all I need are some live chickens squawking in a shoulder basket...

All right well. I've officially missed my ridiculous interview. Best get on with the day.
love to YOU
your penelaotang
p.s. I FINALLY watched the lice ep of SouthPark. My baby, Hope! genius.

Grit,

My dear laotong, and maybe this is perhaps where the dragon and the horse speak a different language. It's the Pam question- Why isn't being a mother enough? Now I know this is some sort of existential question, like why isn't being X enough. So I'm not dismissive of you grappling. And let's forgo that, yes you could use the money so that you're not on the razors' edge every month, AND that as a human being you need mental stimulation outside of your 24/7 never stops work as a mom. So let's just not argue those points. I get those. Absolutely. I just don't like these sorts of things tied up into your worth and ultimately your VALUE since I love my friend, I don't like to see her abused in any way, even if it's by herself- especially so. And it's good; you need to have, find those avenues in which to have another facet of your life, but not just so that it's not just (while valid) the relentless pursuit of money, or filling up time.

And as we process aloud, I did the job that most people were like really you? And I was like really me? Granted my job made it sort of a worst case scenario and I was drained 2 hours into the day and still had 3 more to go. And ultimately I do probably need to teach older kids and ones with a creative streak, but that aside- so while I encourage the stretching of borders, and I do think you'd master the kiddos, overall, I get like you, the keyword, exhausted. And the words introverted, sensitive and not brought "alive" by children in general... but your love and your boundaried hands will make you excel in the job regardless. (I do sort of see your sympathy with the kid crying in the corner. Like they're away from their moms too soon sort of thing or a general overwhelmed misplacement. But well on ya, for doing it in the first place! And you would be rife with stories. There's that. And as Bruckner said, we're not getting any younger. Oh he meant me, since I am currently lacking a family and a job. Nevermind.

I'm too busy soaking up my last days, of your aptly named garage sale that is Laos. You gotta hit at the right time and place and it's magic or it's NOT. And while Vietnam had it's fairshare of travel annoyances. I just don't know. Either way memorable ? Tomorrow I leave to Vientiane. The plane has decided there's enough people. Yesterday I actually rented a scooter- so easy on the feet, and went down some dirt roads with Elena to a not really there waterfall. Which getting up to was a bit hard on my foot as it's back to more sore than before, but the local teen set were at the top tier with their bottles of beer lao so we turned back. It was only a few hour outing but daring enough and budget right for me. Though my butt hurts from sitting on it all day. Literally. Can't believe.

What else? Yes, HOME. Yikes. I don't know. The idea of anyone picking me up besides my mom sort of unnerves me. I get so travel cranky. But it will be really lovely to have a friend welcoming party too. But then as you know, the job question looms, and just coming back and fitting back in? Church makes me nervous, like coming back from summer break and finding everything the same but not? I have anxiety over all of that. Just coming back and being adrift. I guess that feeling won't last long. Maybe I'll make a routine of job searching and going to 24f between meeting with friends. Much like my joblessdaysbefore. Down to the - no, I can't afford that. Ok processing, processing. Needing a queen mattress, a whole new wardrobe or a seamstress.

ok friend, godspeed to us both, as we cross the waters.
xo, m.







 

hashing it out

So I survived the morning sub gig? And I wouldn't say I want to slam the door and run away completely. I'm still processing, so let's talk about it. I'll probably be processing for awhile so it's good I had the chance now and have the time before deciding whether you know - is this what I want to do. Try for. Maybe? The parents overall seem higher maintenance than the children. And the children were all batty because there was a sub. And oh, they were 2-year-olds. I'm fairly sure this is not my preferred age group. And some were sweet but then I do feel like for 3 hours straight you are reprimanding at least one person at all times. And that can be a complete drain. And some of it was just plain overwhelming - like knowing who drops off who and who picks up who and the Personalities and keeping track of how this and that kid did over the course of the day and blah blah. And you forget at that age that you can basically manhandle them if they're not doing what they're supposed to do. Not coming out from the corner? I can so pick you up and carry you wherever I want. Which was the case at pretty much every turn. Crawling under the tables and rocking the chair back into the wall and dismantling the cozy corner, etc. And the new kid who cried - I think he bothered me the least however. Because I get where he's coming from. Anyway if I were there all the time and they were more "my" little students, I suppose it would all become second nature, the absorbing of all these personalities and their rhythms? Maybe. Or would I still at the end of the days feel like I was having to be just so *on* every second, all the time. I find that exhausting. And I totally did yearn for the world of by-myself-$2/hr-fuckit-so-be-it freelance writing work. Oh the tradeoff. Maybe I'll end up settling for a mix? Who knows. Process, process. Process some more. 

Anyway I was completely exhausted this afternoon. 

So back to my self-reminders - HOLY SHIT those designers this season on ProRun! I mean there are bad, mostly missing the mark runway shows and there's the thing that just happened with pretty much absolutely nothing looking even remotely good, at all. Embarrassing execution of sad designs. Nina Garcia in inconsolable yet mirthful tears. Heidi waving her finger and literally saying, Bad Designers. Like they were all puppies. But seriously Patricia and that time-suck of a horrible basket-weave shirt! And those ginormous shirts and shrunken ties and pants that were literally unvelcroing at the seams. While the model stood there, unmoving. Yipes. Just - so bad. I'm already ready for the next season, because who is even going to redeem themselves by the finale, I have few guesses and little hope. 

Birthday! I already filled you in some but that favorite selected moment - it had to have occurred outdoors, as the weather was so penelope-perfect I could barely stand it. Probably when we were all eating our unexpected cinnamon rolls from the cupcake bakery on the backporch. Watching puppy roam. Feeling the spring breeze. Adoring the cream-cheese frosting. Mmm. Yes, that. 

It's Thursday and oh look, I'm already completely behind on bible study for Monday. Whatever? I just can't keep up. Much less with Children's Council stuff, which I've completely blanked on since the last meeting. Too busy mind-spiraling and destroying my fingernails! That stuff takes time and dedication, you know. I did however tackle a giant pile of Things that have been vexing me with their presence for a month and a half now and now the pile is gone. So, small victories. And I think it's time to watch New Girl and then maybe some reading in bed - said bible study fare and then Hex Hall? Which I just purchased with a belated birthday gift card that was totally unexpected but delightful. The library does not have that book! But I do, now. 

love YOU. are you so excited to be going home soon? 

xoxox

penelaotang

ooo-dumb-sigh

So I feel like all of Laos is a jungly garage sale with a lot of waterfalls? This might be my conclusion. Like a garage sale it contains some charm in the form of puppies and flowers and also the mundane - these are the trappings of our life. Buy it or not. But then there's the subplot of People Who Haggle Over a Fucking Nickel. Which are fascinating in their own way. I don't know how to explain all the waterfalls - there are just so many that have been alluded to! I feel like we could totally outline a Laotian drinking game based on waterfall references - and drink a shot! And then you'd have a solid excuse for slip-falling! oh geez. I'm sorry, my caffeinated, NOT-MORNING-PERSON (what was that proclamation, really. a lie. or a gross misrepresentation at least) brain is going off on a weird tangent. 

I told the ponies to deliver my last letter to you, but also to write it before delivering, and damn ponies. Complaints about lacking opposable thumbs and a grasp of the English language. Whatever. Unfortunately this post has to be brief because somehow, randomly and suddenly I have a substitute teaching assistant thing this morning? at the preschool at our church, to which I had expressed interest in applying to for the fall. And despite the scheduling complications with N.Lo pickup and the last-minuteness and a case of the nerves, I'm going for it because it could be a good foot in the door? Or a warning to slam it closed and run. I should at least find out either way, right? It will give me something to recap later today. And then I should probably talk some more about my birthday (notes to self) and ProRun designer travesties and whatever else -

Oh! My main reason for sad bloglack this past week or so (although I've loved hearing all your adventures as you countdown to Home) is that most of my energy is spent mind-spiraling and chewing my nails over Jobs and Life and my apparent failure at both. Never do I feel like a bigger loser when it comes to employ, whether it by my $2/hr attempts at freelancing (because that's what it works out to, always) or my weak resume or lack of wise ambition in my 20s to do something that actually amounts to anything. And now it's too late? Or is it. (I need to read Julia Child's bio - another note to self. since she started her journey to awesomeness in her 30s.) And then add to that jumping back into the world of gainful employment after a 7-year absence and it all just seems futile and completely lacking in luster or hope. Particularly when I'm not asking for much. I'm applying, for instance, to be a SpEd TA - a temporary, they emphasize, minimum wage position (but it's at K's school, so schedule would be perfect?) and I need somehow to get a college transcript. And 3 people to fill out reference forms, even though - seriously? - this is all even before an interview. Icing on the cake was emailing undergrad and being informed - you graduated so long ago that you're unable to just print it out online. Like my fucking degree exists in some dusty cave of an archive or something, and only Argus Filch has the key. And we all know how temperamental Argus Filch can be. 

Anyway - I gotta go for now. Love! You! enjoy your day or your night and remember to hold out for a cuter accent and less insobriety. 

xoxox

P.S. HD does NOT give employee discounts. We're already off to a bad start.