Grit,

My dear laotong, and maybe this is perhaps where the dragon and the horse speak a different language. It's the Pam question- Why isn't being a mother enough? Now I know this is some sort of existential question, like why isn't being X enough. So I'm not dismissive of you grappling. And let's forgo that, yes you could use the money so that you're not on the razors' edge every month, AND that as a human being you need mental stimulation outside of your 24/7 never stops work as a mom. So let's just not argue those points. I get those. Absolutely. I just don't like these sorts of things tied up into your worth and ultimately your VALUE since I love my friend, I don't like to see her abused in any way, even if it's by herself- especially so. And it's good; you need to have, find those avenues in which to have another facet of your life, but not just so that it's not just (while valid) the relentless pursuit of money, or filling up time.

And as we process aloud, I did the job that most people were like really you? And I was like really me? Granted my job made it sort of a worst case scenario and I was drained 2 hours into the day and still had 3 more to go. And ultimately I do probably need to teach older kids and ones with a creative streak, but that aside- so while I encourage the stretching of borders, and I do think you'd master the kiddos, overall, I get like you, the keyword, exhausted. And the words introverted, sensitive and not brought "alive" by children in general... but your love and your boundaried hands will make you excel in the job regardless. (I do sort of see your sympathy with the kid crying in the corner. Like they're away from their moms too soon sort of thing or a general overwhelmed misplacement. But well on ya, for doing it in the first place! And you would be rife with stories. There's that. And as Bruckner said, we're not getting any younger. Oh he meant me, since I am currently lacking a family and a job. Nevermind.

I'm too busy soaking up my last days, of your aptly named garage sale that is Laos. You gotta hit at the right time and place and it's magic or it's NOT. And while Vietnam had it's fairshare of travel annoyances. I just don't know. Either way memorable ? Tomorrow I leave to Vientiane. The plane has decided there's enough people. Yesterday I actually rented a scooter- so easy on the feet, and went down some dirt roads with Elena to a not really there waterfall. Which getting up to was a bit hard on my foot as it's back to more sore than before, but the local teen set were at the top tier with their bottles of beer lao so we turned back. It was only a few hour outing but daring enough and budget right for me. Though my butt hurts from sitting on it all day. Literally. Can't believe.

What else? Yes, HOME. Yikes. I don't know. The idea of anyone picking me up besides my mom sort of unnerves me. I get so travel cranky. But it will be really lovely to have a friend welcoming party too. But then as you know, the job question looms, and just coming back and fitting back in? Church makes me nervous, like coming back from summer break and finding everything the same but not? I have anxiety over all of that. Just coming back and being adrift. I guess that feeling won't last long. Maybe I'll make a routine of job searching and going to 24f between meeting with friends. Much like my joblessdaysbefore. Down to the - no, I can't afford that. Ok processing, processing. Needing a queen mattress, a whole new wardrobe or a seamstress.

ok friend, godspeed to us both, as we cross the waters.
xo, m.







 

Overdose

The things I've been watching lately besides Weeds, SixFeetUnder, and stupid movies like Eagle vs. Shark is- I've been watching Jane Austen. It started innocently with the Masterpiece Theatre retinue of all Austen sundays. Which started with a charming and achingly lovely Persuasion, followed by less apt and too brief Mansfield Park, Northanger, the Firth version of Pride/Prejudice which I love the brooding Firth but Elizabeth? ehh, and of course the Thompson version of Sense/Sensibility (which I watched on AMC or something). Emma might be coming up next after the 2nd part of P/P tomorrow night... then of course maybe 6months before all of this was that silly movie called "The Jane Austen BookClub" and I hit it on the head then, how terrible all these couples coming together when in fact Jane was stricken in all her books of unrequiet. But then I thought maybe that's my issue... And then the BBC biopic of Jane Austens life which I thought heartaching and played well by Olivia Williams and to complete the cressendo Becoming Jane which was too long and lacking even if Anne Hathaway is idyllic. The whole time I'm thinking, oh, god but I know this one doesn't end happily! I don't know why the fuck all these movies have banned together to attack us now. It's a deluge. Surely there are other female authors we could learn about, come to celebrate?

That's hardly the problem though. I'm twitching with it. Why I've drawn them all into my circumfrence? God, I have no idea. It didn't finally hit me until watching Becoming Jane tonight. I had to remove the '95 v. of Persuasion from my cue. It's those fucking happy endings in all her books. The actual real brilliantly tangible unrequitted love that all her heroines suffer with. And then couple that with the actual facts about her life- marry Becoming Jane with the Austen Bio pic and we've got her 17-41... and she dies alone and by all biopic accounts though gutsy, independent and funny and sarcastic, even though she never traveled or saw anything of the world- she also dies sort of tortured and poor and hello ALONE, even if not full of regret and man. Fuck. And then her sister torches her letters. And each of these movies has just left me with a twinge of there is no happy ending and what we, I love about the books is the possibility of all well that ends well, and then yet no. You see that was her hope and love also as a writer- and it didn't happen. How can her books not echo both courses in her life. And maybe that's the disease of it. This indulgence in happily ever after, when in reality if we could face singleness here and now, today- it certainly isn't so life and death, even if it may or may not have been then- and might we, I face it better if we, I didn't have these books and things and movies to tell us otherwise. That to end up alone as the credits close is sad, so of course the more satisfying course is the wedding. Wouldn't we all pen it so?