Friday, March 22, 2013


My dear laotong, and maybe this is perhaps where the dragon and the horse speak a different language. It's the Pam question- Why isn't being a mother enough? Now I know this is some sort of existential question, like why isn't being X enough. So I'm not dismissive of you grappling. And let's forgo that, yes you could use the money so that you're not on the razors' edge every month, AND that as a human being you need mental stimulation outside of your 24/7 never stops work as a mom. So let's just not argue those points. I get those. Absolutely. I just don't like these sorts of things tied up into your worth and ultimately your VALUE since I love my friend, I don't like to see her abused in any way, even if it's by herself- especially so. And it's good; you need to have, find those avenues in which to have another facet of your life, but not just so that it's not just (while valid) the relentless pursuit of money, or filling up time.

And as we process aloud, I did the job that most people were like really you? And I was like really me? Granted my job made it sort of a worst case scenario and I was drained 2 hours into the day and still had 3 more to go. And ultimately I do probably need to teach older kids and ones with a creative streak, but that aside- so while I encourage the stretching of borders, and I do think you'd master the kiddos, overall, I get like you, the keyword, exhausted. And the words introverted, sensitive and not brought "alive" by children in general... but your love and your boundaried hands will make you excel in the job regardless. (I do sort of see your sympathy with the kid crying in the corner. Like they're away from their moms too soon sort of thing or a general overwhelmed misplacement. But well on ya, for doing it in the first place! And you would be rife with stories. There's that. And as Bruckner said, we're not getting any younger. Oh he meant me, since I am currently lacking a family and a job. Nevermind.

I'm too busy soaking up my last days, of your aptly named garage sale that is Laos. You gotta hit at the right time and place and it's magic or it's NOT. And while Vietnam had it's fairshare of travel annoyances. I just don't know. Either way memorable ? Tomorrow I leave to Vientiane. The plane has decided there's enough people. Yesterday I actually rented a scooter- so easy on the feet, and went down some dirt roads with Elena to a not really there waterfall. Which getting up to was a bit hard on my foot as it's back to more sore than before, but the local teen set were at the top tier with their bottles of beer lao so we turned back. It was only a few hour outing but daring enough and budget right for me. Though my butt hurts from sitting on it all day. Literally. Can't believe.

What else? Yes, HOME. Yikes. I don't know. The idea of anyone picking me up besides my mom sort of unnerves me. I get so travel cranky. But it will be really lovely to have a friend welcoming party too. But then as you know, the job question looms, and just coming back and fitting back in? Church makes me nervous, like coming back from summer break and finding everything the same but not? I have anxiety over all of that. Just coming back and being adrift. I guess that feeling won't last long. Maybe I'll make a routine of job searching and going to 24f between meeting with friends. Much like my joblessdaysbefore. Down to the - no, I can't afford that. Ok processing, processing. Needing a queen mattress, a whole new wardrobe or a seamstress.

ok friend, godspeed to us both, as we cross the waters.
xo, m.


1 comment:

almost anonymous said...

I'm holding you to an escape to the poppy fields sometime next month, as we keep an eye on the page with the bloom prognosis :)