and then sometimes, too, you're all

encountering ants floating in your tea, attacking the cat food, crawling over-EVERY-THING. Just now on your arm as you try and type. Rude. And having dressed yourself, and cut those short pants to capri length- realizing the outfit is not appropriate for either working in the garden or doing yoga. The only two things you've set out to do today. And the stripped shirt has a hole in it anyway and a couple stains so you might as well junk it but who has the monetary funds to do that? And the pants, they work- they fit great. They were free. It was a gift. It was amazing.

I did edit a document last night for $20. That was nice and unexpected. It took too long. Did I change too much? Did he really like it? How about that ending though? He didn't say it was amazing but it really was, unless it was too  much? Was it too much? It was good though.

But then there's the - am i using too much butter? Am i eating too much healthy ezekial bread with that butter? Too much snacking right? Clearly. Not enough movement. But my foot. The snarfing. And these allergies. The popcorn though, and the fruit, and the hummus and crackers, am i back sliding? I'm not backsliding. What is that anyway. But down the ladder that's where I want to go. Not undo what was done. Because it's amazing. If i make it to october or november this size it'll have been a year. A cause for celebration and downward trending.

But nevermind, the day is partly cloudy. It's ticking by. The dishes can wait. This beating oscillating hemming and hawing, that can wait. Let me go pull weeds. Let me go do just the one thing. Among the blooming buzzing brilliance--- be, beauty, being, best...

m.


ps. I don't even have bruckners address- but if it's the same place its off LFB near Normandie... right oh or was that Franklin before LFB forms. Ok yes, i think that's it, on the left hand side- no right hand, i'm dyslexic--

Go,

The oscillating is like this- moving fast, humming and vibrating but not matching my surroundings. Out of time. Responding as if the wall of physical space and time were still there. Finding in a certain sense others behaving the same. So much cultivation to do, reclaiming, and grooming, and re-inventing. The lists are so long. But,

I find myself here. Unable to think much or move. The updating and progress of my days comprised of conversations I can't seem to hold onto, a familiarity that dismisses the absence, of doing this and that, and staring into space. but then again... it's only been 23 days? But then in that amount of time in another context I'd moved every few days down the length of a country... but then my time here has been no less profound- its just masked. What i should be doing is writing postcards. Maybe that will help.