While you were rising,

Babe-

I'm eating organic corn puffs and sitting on my fitball [i can't belive i just wrote that-times they are a'changing] (i can't possibly inflate it properly with the handpump however), which thus puts me in an ergonomic conundrum via my desk. I'll try to manage but you know the difficulty. But I'd like to sit somewhere else besides the floor and the bed. I'm a slave to options I admit it. But the weirdo cat, the ward, she just looks at me when i put tuna, canned dogfood or even deliciously cooked chicken in front of her- I've been out of catfood you see, and i forgot again you see to get the cheap stuff or take the time to get the good stuff... horrible cat owner i know. So she's barely eaten. Tomorrow I vow to try again. (These corn puffs need salt.) Also i can't believe i'm even sitting on this given the pratfall I took the other day while webcamming with your rather 'i hate webcams but i'll do this bcs you're needy' face. I hope twas entertaining at least- and sidenote this MF($*&Q(#*&a computer keeps stalling while i'm typing midsentence- stupid blogger. Driving me cr--- azy...

Anyway i think i have laryngitis and you know how I love webmd- and that's what it suggested. The yellow dust from china and then complications. That's all it took. I don't know what else it could be what with the two weeks of sorethroat, hoarse voice, hacking, no other symptoms showing, could be... it starts getting bad by my last two classes and then completely horrible by right about now.

Did you say something about rucheing?
I love that you even used the word.
Also deerflies? What?! You and your weird bugs. I myself don't know what left the series of 6 little bumps on my upper arm a few nights ago that are still there. Sidenote: Dry cornpuffs are not good for a sore already raw throat. Dammit.

I'm tempted to reduce the next two paragraphs to status commentary or worse yet emoticons- like klo story : thumbs up "like" and cupcakes " : ( "... that's horrible. Bcs the desk  position is becoming awkward. I can see how this might be good for postcards if i ever write more but not for mr.waffles.) I've since moved the fitball parallel to the bed...

As it is I hate that things like cupcakes can bring us to a place of hotmessness and goo, but i equally rejoice in the beauty of theological dilemmas in children- and for n.lo to have the answer i had on my lips at the ready on his. For instance I thank God i meditated this morning for once again as i walk in the door, sg is appalled by my "easy" grading which she might terms awful or non-existant- and is baffled why i would give half credit to a sentence that leaves out the word "is" insisting they won't learn anything.  ie. "What -- she looking for?" Granted grammer is a weak point with me but why is an entire sentence entirely wrong with only one element wrong? And then she further directly wonders if i'm teaching them anything at all. aka. are you going over the grammer? (direct quote) and make sure you look over the examples so you know what they need to write. Granted I find them sometimes confusing even to me so i can't imagine what kids do when they look at the random pictures... but there you have it. I'm retesting the class. She insists somehow that I shouldn't do that, so I don't waste the time of the kids who did it right and I'm like well you want them to be good and get it right- aka it won't kill them. So i sat there and nodded, and did what the character joanna did when she worked at the restaurant- so you want me to add more pieces of flare? Ok. Calm. Calm. And i literally forgot about the incident until I decided to rant about it just now. Nevermind that she was chewing out my class again before i got there about speaking in korean- which i get- they're rowdy hellions or how she has at least 3x watched my class before via the 'cam' and caught them slacking off, and then threatened in my hearing that if they keep speaking korean she'll sit in on my class... awesomesauce. Calm calm. Meanwhile in the meeting today that sucked away my lesson planning time she insisted the school and the teachers were doing well...

Anyway, I cabbed it home after grocery shopping, and made fried chicken for a vegetable curry i'm making tomorrow. Because that's how i roll now... it's from a bag though- don't think i'm completely reformed. As it is, I'm the topic now of ever increasing weight commentary- which mostly i guess? i'm ok with? Except they say things like "you're getting so pretty". Cough. "every day i see you". Thank you? Given their background (the k peeps- you can't take it personally but thankgod those issues are mostly behind me) My cousin said something also via chat today and i was like "yes i have" after ignoring his commentary once, and then refused to expound on it when he said, "it looks substantial" or something like that. Shhhh people. My pants from seattle also, this morning at the beach ripped up the back of the leg at the calf-- i stapled it back together but an internet order might be in my future. Look at all this stuff i'm going on about- what's come over me! I better go to bed. (probably the coffee icecream/shake and chicken i ate tonight).

xoxo,
mqa.

omg you’re probably up already

Where do the hours go!

I think I accidentally learned how to ruche today, which is awesomesauce. I love ruche-ing. And I love the way one of my shirts turned out, one I didn’t have a huge problem with in the first place, but now it’s even more awesome, all taken in and ruched down the sides and whatnot. And I did manage to fix my dress for church, removing the balloon skirt part of it and transforming to a regular hem. Although I nearly throttled the lining by the end of it. And then I took in another baggy shirt. I feel like that might be all I did today? Except make soup, which was onions, celery, chicken, broth, and rice noodles. With ginger and lemongrass and red pepper flakes.

I’m still working on your present, which is taking time due to technological slowness. Infuriating.

Whatelse did I not tell you during our chat. I was bit by a deerfly on Saturday. It’s like the horsefly’s cousin, and equally mean. It has stripey wings, and is attracted to dark colors, shininess, movement and sweat. So no wonder it was divebombing me as I walked around the lake in my all-black outfit and finally landed on my wedding ring to take a chomp. Still can’t wear my ring. My hand swelled epically. But otherwise you know. I’m still alive.

Oh my awesome K.Lo story. The other night before bed – when tensions often run high you know – she threw a fit about God. And incidentally St. Barbara, whom she claims did not protect her during a recent thunderstorm in spite of a prayer. But as she did not get electrocuted or even wet during said storm, I argued that she was indeed kept safe. God was a little trickier. WELL I NEVER SEE HIM. HOW DO I KNOW HE’S EVEN THERE! Oh K.Lo. The mind of a tortured adult in your 6-year-old self.  HOW CAN HE BE LISTENING IF HE’S NOT EVEN HERE. Like legitimately panicked in tone. We talked about where He lives, and how and when we can talk to Him, and tried to sort out that He doesn’t actually live now, in Bethlehem, in the form of Jesus. Although I see how that could confuse. Meanwhile N.Lo, who has weekly Bible time at church, brushed his teeth and interjected occasionally, matter-of-fact if not bored: "He lives in your heart, K.Lo…”

Priceless.

And I didn’t tell you about my ice cream cone cupcakes that I made for the Relay bake sale on Friday – figuring they’d sell for a dollar apiece, right? Nice $24 donation, potentially. I spent over an hour packing them to make sure they’d be all right, because you know they’re a little precarious. Top-heavy. Anyway, at some point after dropoff they completely bit it (tipped over, melted? etc.) and weren’t even sold. Was feeling a little hormonal about this news and nearly cried. Even though it’s no use crying over fubar ice cream cone cupcakes. But sometimes? you just have to anyway.

Okay love. Must tend to your happy birthday. Which you’ll maybe feel is worthy of all the sacrifices you’ve made, or maybe not. snarf.

xoxo,

pen

Wednesday,

i'm in to making smoothies lately- which is an old/new love. i'm becoming a touch daring since i'm throwing in lettuce too. i think probably i felt i needed to be reckless in my olderage. i would complain about the kids also maybe more attention then i want to give them since they already consume enough- LL says, just to live is holy, so sometimes i think, well i'd like to get to the point of laboring for God being a praise, but i have to start somewhere.... like the one who has that look in his eyes- contempt maybe? a different kid, if you can believe it who caused me to have the angel/devil talk. except he's in a class full of kids and i can't quite get at him unless i'm willing to have an all class confrontation. which it's getting to. sadly. but whatever kids. it's lame in its battles and contentions. i just despise however how they stick with you like a gash in your toe after a day at the beach.  fuckingkids. anyway, back to my kiwi, pineapple smoothie. it was really delicious. and now i'm ready to sleep. thanks to j who gifted me with the blender when she left.

tangentially, the kteachers brought up my weight again- saying i needed to eat more, or they wouldn't recognize me, and that they were saying to each other how pretty i've become/ am becoming, and that by the end of my contract i will have many boyfriends to chose from. there was more but thats the giest. gist? jist... from a western/or our objective angle what they said was fairly horrifying- you know, because i'm fat i can't find love (as if) or if i'm pretty for sure i will (as if) but as it was i took it kindly, and laughed because culturally that is how they define things and i suppose i chose to be flattered? like, aw thanks. you noticed. aw. mostly i think because they could just ignore me completely but that they care enough to be charming and to share their food with me signifies something..

if i werent so tired- aka ready to knockoff i think i'd make some correlation about skewed perspectives- contempt kid making life misery - ck needs love +, smoothies are awesome perspective shift not needed, k teachers showing attention + not damaging my self image - something something...

anyway love lets talk it out next time.
feel free to write me another, since you're sleeping, letter- LOVE.

m

well since you’re sleeping

I’ll eat my orange and tell you some things. Like thank you for your words that arrived recently via air mail. I ponder them daily. And the book, which arrived yesterday. There was a dedication from a former gift-giver on the inside cover that inexplicably, horrifyingly employed the word “moisten,” so I had to rip that page out. And I hated the author photo, so I threw the jacket out, too. Oh, are we talking about random acts of nonsensical by yours truly? Because I also experienced a 12-or-so-hour period of panic over the thought of having to shop for shoelaces today. But then J.Lo said it could wait, and I immediately felt better. I think it’s fallout from two consecutive trips to Walmart Monday/Tuesday. Someone should do a study on the psychological effects of big box stores. They could include those endcap TVs that loop a commercial over and over by the cereal aisle, and how they incite homicidal feelings. Thank your lucky stars they don’t have those in Jeju. I mean I’m assuming. They’re on par with the dog farms, I am telling you.

There was a nest filled with baby birds who cried cacophonously (loved) in the bush outside our door, but they are gone already. And the children found another nest with an empty robin egg under the trees. It all happens so fast – spring, eggs, born, boom. fly away, little ones. Go find the birdfeeder and jockey for position with the asshole squirrels. I hate those squirrels, btw, and I want a bow so I can learn to be Katniss. Right between the eyes! But until I learn to operate a bow without shooting the wrong thing or jamming the feathers in my hand (it’s happened. gym class, circa 1996), it’s Vaseline and cayenne on the feeder pole. Which works for like, a day.

Also, the ticks are back. I feel them crawling on my face, my leg, my scalp. But then they’re not there. Only sometimes can I find them. Brainless, bloodsucking creatures of the insect world – they are entomology’s zombies. Nature vexes me. As do zombies, which is why I had to reject my latest book selection, even though I liked it up until chapter 10. But also, the hummingbirds are back! So nature delights me too. And the library awaits this afternoon, so zombies be damned.

Time to go walk in said nature.

Love to you ~ sleep well in Jeju!

penelope

um, ok... sorry man.

i feel like there are deep spiritual metaphors in my dish soap purchases. do i need to expound or is the correlation obvious? i didn't even do it on purpose but it's my entire journey.

 oh also here- look at me go... curtains, making giraffes. i can't be stopped.

i love you man.
and if i weren't really distracted from a disturbing 30r/ck and being super tired and talked out from 2 weekends of deep chitter chatter and taking too many taxis back and forth on the island i'd say more. i'm at the point where i'm like what $10? worthIT along with my $4 lattes. i've gone mad with moneypower. and an hour reduced to 20minutes. once i decide to download some audible i'll go back to normal but right now i'm overwhelmed with the download potential and tanning. and starting listening groups and turning in assessments. ive promised i have to turn 2 of them by the morning and finish the rest tomorrow night for their tuesday due date. nevermind the other one i didn't create the template for. oh and i found out today how much weight i lost. 40lbs in 3 1/2 months. what the what?! who knows- next more postcards, cats getting spayed... maybe even a phone purchase! look out world! oh and yes, i got sunglasses. photoshoot forthcoming. allright i'm going to try and stay conscious for another hour at least- i dont even want to talk about staying up till 11 lastnight and then the skype date falling through- i was drooping down tired. tonight i make up for it.

adieu my love,
will write more anon- also questions... would... help... so i can talk more about "here" wherever it is.

returned

So camping was grand. There were a few moments. One in which I muttered, “Please do not let this be the FUBAR trip.” Because we forgot the chairs – a virtual dealbreaker for J.Lo. My directions there were crap, inefficient and ultimately landing me on a gravel road in the middle of the woods with a lot of signs that said No Trespassing. Thanks, idiot map utility. We forgot butter. Ran dangerously low on propane. The camp fees were slightly higher than anticipated. One of the air mattress valves broke off in my hand. We were short two tent stakes (luckily could borrow). And totally had to MacGyver one of the tent poles, which J.Lo offhandedly mentioned the night before – oh yeah, one is broken. But it will be fine. Um. It was, sort of. Think wayward splint made of painters tape and two tent stakes.

But otherwise – hooray! We love camping. The first night was wicked cold, but not as cold as last time, so can we complain? Only a little. We didn’t sleep well, either night really, between air mattress issues and the unsettled children. But mainly everyone stayed upbeat. The hiking trails were off the hook with their inclines and twists and turns and random delights like wildflowers and pretend tracker jacker nests and beaver-eaten trees. Also, scrambled eggs and swiss cheese? Brilliant. Marshmallow fluff-flavored vodka, over ice? GENIUS. S’mores with Kit Kats? Yes please.

Those handwarmers were made by almost anonymous!

We did not find any legendary fairystones. Better luck next time? Would not even know where to start looking, really. Must ask ranger. One of the trails that everyone but L and I opted out on was killer, allegedly culminating in a waterfall. But really, this was the better part:

Because here was the waterfall -

- which was idyllic, sure, but may as well have been:

Also, our dogs are getting old. It’s true. The revelation sort of washes over us in bittersweet waves. Bender and her wincingly gimpy leg. Bailey steamrolled by a 4-mile hike. Sigh. But we love them so.

While the children played on the playground, J.Lo and I amused ourselves with flowers and a magnifying glass.

Other idyllic instances:

In other non-news, I’m up to my ears in camping and non-camping laundry today. The lawn needs mowing – if it weren’t for that patch of grass that actually looks like grass, we could totally ignore mowing for days more. Am completely satisfied with the scraggly weed-scaping that comprises most of the yard. The garden looks lovely – I should take a picture. Although the cucumber that we didn’t cover didn’t make it. Sad cucumber. Also the neighbor boy killed a snake in our yard with a shovel and J.Lo yelled at him. Which even a year ago I might have been sincerely perplexed by, but this sort’s sole function is to eat mice. And while terrifying in appearance (wicked long, jet black), they’re non-poisonous. So I kind of yelled at the neighbor boy too. Which wasn’t un-fun… Oh, teenagers. Amusing.

Yawn. Okay. On with the day.

love to you,

penelope

yo,

Ive had a pretty full weekend. Made some curtains, tacked up the awesome goldones. They rock, i'm not going to lie... worth every penny. Now if i can make my comforter look less like crap i'm golden. Because they're a hot conflicting mess considering the radtastic decor of my apt. A foldaway couch chair concoction would bring this place to perfection. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Duvet cover purchase seems extravagent since they dont have them here, but i wonder how long i'll be able to take the illmatching bedding? Maybe a mom project- sewing sheets together? I dont know. I did buy a made in korea frying pan bcs the other one was shit and i just couldn't tolerate stuck egg on the pan and in the sink anymore. It's enough the cats in heat right? Fuck. Also i realized today that if i only stay a year, and well even if i stayed two- the cat couldn't fly back with me when the contract is over- I think they have a time limit animals can be in cabins and then it has to go as cargo... and only when temperature permits, i'm pretty sure. (equals not in the dead of winter) We'll see. It's possible i can get someone to fly into LA to do a little handover. But I dont know. I'm curious now to see.

Otherwise the mongolian horseriding show stressed me out. It was all too much bus and quiet and movement with loud, dark and the animals and the contortionist kid types-- i really hate circuses. The whole thing. I dont know. I was that person. I hate being that person. And i was just thinking, crap, it's too much. Anyway went grocery shopping. Failed to get cat food. Sorry cat, tuna for you. Had McD's even though i can feel my stomach going- good god woman what are you doing to me. Then the going to the middle of nowhere for the random horsething. Then dinner and evening in. Followed by church, a random old dude at the folkart museum, who was awe-some. Then beach lovely complete with old guy who let us see his shell collection. And carved animals. I may have to go back. Good dinner, hang curtains and scene. Seriously so nice.

The cat is storing up energy i can tell to torment me in the middle of the night like she did around 430 last night. As well as these random loudspeaker torture devices that went off around 8am and carried on intermittently well past 9am... of a woman singing in korean of course... out of nowhere and obviously without explanation. Joy.

Besides i'm trying to live presently and not dread school.  One class has a candy ban because they were stealing my candy. Greed over took a couple of them and then just lying to me and disappointed in humanity phase, not to mention the little shits i teach privately at the end of the day, i mean kids who need God's love, saying teacher, book no, game yes. And the boy at the end, rather brilliantly saying, teacher, english---- ANGRY. As he grows horns with his fingers. It was a moment. I sympathized. The whole thing. And then i think, i have to try right? But then do i? Where's the line. I get it kid. I get IT. Sigh. ANyway i need to go bcs all of agathachristie missmarple just downloaded and i have to go watch an episode before bed.

Love you,
(ps look out for pics of me and an old dude who insisted i pose next to the male models . loved. and wondered why we werent with boys.)

4 u

for you i stay up past my bedtime bc it is pre-camping day and by the time i get back Easter week and its recounting will be all but gone. and we can't have that. so some images, all out of order as per usual. it's spring break. we went to a museum with mom. i painted. i ate and drank things. the children played. i read. i missed you. i was hormonal. we're going to the park with the fairystones - it's very good luck to find them. love to you on your island! pls update anon. 

xoxox, 

pen

colin firth in the original fever pitch
#netflixstreaming #amazingdiscoveries

...gag

daisies, for K.Lo from Grandma

huge scary bug
with a HORN

butterfly

sideways waterfall

ROCK

the dovekeepers ~
add it to your list

distant bears

pony

a homemade stuffed burger
w/ mushrooms and swiss

hair

if i drink the word...

new/used plasma cars
purchased from a friend

k.lo's room: purple with
pink/brown polka dots, and butterflies;
pictures do not really do justice

snake

box turtle

4-leaf clover found by Mom 

creepy

turtle

owls

hello love,

I know what you mean about narrative threads. I’d ask the universe to strive toward telepathic communication, but I’m quite sure it’s zooming toward that sort of microchip technology regardless, and lets-not-rush-things. Mainly I’m too lazy and ma-laisey to communicate with anyone, via email, social networking, spoken word… Like it was all I could do to tell J.Lo I bought a basic sweatshirt jacket at Target. Must. Force. Self. To. Share More. But then sometimes I get caught up in this internal debate between Speaking and Not Speaking. From the deep to the mundane. Should I, shouldn’t I? What are the merits? Silence is golden. But no man is an island. And so forth.

Mainly I am pollen-coated penelope. It’s a little better this week, with either the non-expired zyrtec kicking in, working its magic, or lower pollen counts. Or different pollen counts. Who knows. My sinuses/scratchy throat/wasted energy reserves all shrug their shoulders and sigh. J.Lo threw out his back on Sunday, so I’ve been rallying wherever possible, like purchasing mulch for the garden and planting more plants and mowing the lawn and other literal and metaphorical instances of heavy lifting. The garden! now contains: 3 lettuce types, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, spinach, onions that I keep stepping on, green beans, cucumbers, peas, zucchini, squash, alleged peas and sweet peas (still burrowed beneath the earth? on the brink of emergence?), one tomato plant for now (grape roma), jalapeno peppers, and a yellow pepper. And other than a few war-torn leaves on the broccoli/caul, they all seem happy... Although I’m a little skeptical of the soil, like will it be good enough. So I’m supplementing with foods and fertilizers of sorts along the way.

Yesterday it poured rained in the sunshine, but I spied no rainbows.

I finished the book on the terrible kidnapping/stolen life. I kind of wish she had written it and stuck in a drawer for 10 or 15 years, maybe dropped in a few post-it notes along the way and then revisited it all. Because it was just – so very raw. Coupled with a 5th grade education. But yet had the potential to be earth-shattering? It still does. Maybe she’ll write a sequel after some time in the world.

Oh, and the mouse thing. My essential problem with your delightful fairytale mouse living in my car is that in my mind, he looks like this:

Although I grant that he could just as easily look like this:

Man that mouse is cute. So will you be seeing Hunger Games in English with subtitles, or? In the theater or on a computer. Either way I’m glad you’ll be seeing it and celebrating a girl and may the odds be ever in your favor when it comes to viewing it in the absence of snarky, guffawing teenaged boys who completely throw you out of the moment when Rue dies. Because that happened. Granted it was during my second viewing, so their lives were spared. But they were within inches. #truth

Sidenote: saw the phrase “beard technician” in reference to whomever styled Seneca Crane. I can’t even count all the ways I love that job title.

Oh, slogging through the fields of teaching. There will always be the complacent and the rude. Although I could never follow my own advice on this matter, I’d say it’s best not to ponder the origins of their undesirable behavior… Play the game (without being a piece of course) so you can shed it like an outfit at the end of the day and move on to your real life on on the island. Dispensing sage words to new friends and soaking up the winds and sunshine.

love to you,

pollenope

Love,

How are you? I miss you. I feel there's all sorts of dangling narratives we're missing of each other. I mean i know it's impossible to get them all and yet...

I survived today but it wiped me out. I tend to go to school with the attitude of laboring in the fields, and both j and k were like, yes, today- so tired.. such a labor. It does confirm for me that this sort of work is probably not a long term plan at least at this point, but lets see what God does in the next 8 or so, and sg is on me about my grading and it's um not being strict which i know is just the next phase of learning like how to use rewards, and since ive only been doing this for what? maybe 2 months? i suppose it's understandable. But still emotionally exhausting- the classes the kids the meltdowns the arguments the not understanding. There's a couple kids too who are just not nice. It's not even that they're being kids but there's something about them. Not quite you know kids without souls but still. Or is it just that they don't like me? Hum. Also my chi class is gone- so the kid who draws and smells his shoes is gone. Kind of sad. Kind of a relief?  Now, I have to teach catch up classes one/one to kids this round who are fidgets with an air of I don't care. Which is a bummer. Ah the in/outs of hagwans- students just come and go here way too much. And also having to block out sg's comment that since i took this one class over they're going "down"... sigh.

Unrelated news, finished the box of lucky charms even though for the rest i'm waiting for easter to open. And am mostly out of groceries- good thing we order chinese food on fridays. Anyway, the cherry blossoms are blooming- big epic trees along walkways, so lovely. And i guess we're getting the hungergames? so i'll see that for this girls birthday saturday and the day is forecasting sun and shine so i'm hoping for some concetrated out in the elements time. And thus ends week 11 on the island if you can believe it.

Tell me of your world.
m.