Wednesday, May 9, 2012


i'm in to making smoothies lately- which is an old/new love. i'm becoming a touch daring since i'm throwing in lettuce too. i think probably i felt i needed to be reckless in my olderage. i would complain about the kids also maybe more attention then i want to give them since they already consume enough- LL says, just to live is holy, so sometimes i think, well i'd like to get to the point of laboring for God being a praise, but i have to start somewhere.... like the one who has that look in his eyes- contempt maybe? a different kid, if you can believe it who caused me to have the angel/devil talk. except he's in a class full of kids and i can't quite get at him unless i'm willing to have an all class confrontation. which it's getting to. sadly. but whatever kids. it's lame in its battles and contentions. i just despise however how they stick with you like a gash in your toe after a day at the beach.  fuckingkids. anyway, back to my kiwi, pineapple smoothie. it was really delicious. and now i'm ready to sleep. thanks to j who gifted me with the blender when she left.

tangentially, the kteachers brought up my weight again- saying i needed to eat more, or they wouldn't recognize me, and that they were saying to each other how pretty i've become/ am becoming, and that by the end of my contract i will have many boyfriends to chose from. there was more but thats the giest. gist? jist... from a western/or our objective angle what they said was fairly horrifying- you know, because i'm fat i can't find love (as if) or if i'm pretty for sure i will (as if) but as it was i took it kindly, and laughed because culturally that is how they define things and i suppose i chose to be flattered? like, aw thanks. you noticed. aw. mostly i think because they could just ignore me completely but that they care enough to be charming and to share their food with me signifies something..

if i werent so tired- aka ready to knockoff i think i'd make some correlation about skewed perspectives- contempt kid making life misery - ck needs love +, smoothies are awesome perspective shift not needed, k teachers showing attention + not damaging my self image - something something...

anyway love lets talk it out next time.
feel free to write me another, since you're sleeping, letter- LOVE.


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