penpopsicle,

so maybe don't mass consume 2 blogs on korea while watching the office and try to go to bed at 11. it will have your mind racing over the waters and in the classroom for at least an hour and a 1/2.+. in addition to some pesky prayer council emails. i feel like i've been vomiting words since last week on that front with low returns. it doesn't necessarily mean, i know, that i shouldn't have written the 1000 missives. but there is a lingering sense of futility. we have to find new blood. and i've gotten 3 nominations so far. we have to come up with application and interview questions too. there's questions about whether an email address should be registered to 1 person or 4+. there's questions about whether or not people start panicking when they receive everyones prayer requests aka how does one person intercede about it all? they guiltily delete the emails and feel like a crappy person. that's how. but maybe that's me. i don't think it is. but still. another small battle to fight. along with passive emails trying to usurp authority. and another not communicating at all. and meetings and going here and there. i'd honestly rather pack. even if its not my stuff.

well anyway, back to korea, which is another thing i'm waiting around about in between charging lattes as my only (insane) indulgence. i know i should stop. i'll stop. i swear. and also imagining myself trying to communicate with 4yr old korean kids who don't know a word of english. hmm. teaching? note to self: get books on teaching kids... wait i'm going over to do what? it's not just a prolonged vaykay? on the face of such anticipation it's hard not to check out of the life i'm living. that promise to start painting is lying mid-brushstroke, the quilt is close... so frickin close. why not finish up the loose ends and pack up everything right now? oh nevermind i can't even afford my car payment... and let's not get started on netflix. which i must decide about by saturday. i'm sure i care about my lattes more right? besides they were part of the sleepless ill feeling during the day of having watched a sad korean drama about an old woman and her effed up grandso the night before- it doesn't go well for either of them... which led to a completely scandalous period drama where no one was actually a stick redeemable. except for the kid who just wanted to find work shining boots. in the end i can only hope he found a better life outside the book. the whole thing left me feeling dirty.

meanwhile i'm staring at a note that says "go walk". definitely part of my problem. and the eggs are gathering dew waiting to be broken. so i'll go.

m.

the fake backdrop of my life

I did mention earlier there’s a lake up the street from our house. I sort of gave up on the idea though. Since there’s a no parking sign out front. And a ridiculous hand-painted sign that says, “You need a key.” Which is exactly what my teenage neighbor said to me when I mentioned the closed-off lake. "Oh, you need a key.” What. What key! I hate the cryptic holding of information. Like what are you, the Wizard of Fucking Oz? Anyway, although there’s a no parking sign and a you-need-a-key sign, there is no actual sign that says you can’t hop the fence. So N.Lo and I parked the wagon, which luckily wasn’t towed, and climbed over/under the wire that I can barely take seriously to check out the lake.

There’s a paved parking lot that is seriously overgrown and a spray-painted swastika on the pavement for which I have no words. But there is a lake! It exists! No really it does. I did not paint this scene on a scrim.

penrolling,

movie days. so my friend-quaintance matt who won that am@zon contest is shooting his new film and was just commenting on how not-film friendly LA is. you'd think. but then there are so many. eagers. hopefuls. that you wonder if it comes down to cash. because of the hassle. and the repeated requests. sigh. and how disrespectful they can be of people's things. grips for instance. but matt is mr. nice guy. how you can say no to mr.nice guy? i dont think you can.

i did get up at 7. we even cleaned the house. polished the furniture. washed the curtains. but then i like any excuse that's going to get me to clean. i even washed the windows! but then i woke up a little congested with a tinge of sore throat? that's what i get. also, i made lovely round pancakes for one of their scenes... but then of course one of the actors was an 1hr.20minutes late. if you would believe. totally outrageous.

otherwise what else- it's hard to articulate everything else. because this is where the stories are. sunday for instance we prayer walked and found some new uncharted places and ladders to climb.. it was prayer through the inbtw places. i think we found the walkway over the theatre. lots of debris. and then patrick said that his kid had said that jesus had cleaned the place out, or vacuumed it out and cathy and i started crying because of this other thing that happened a while back with his kid screaming and feeling unprotected, but now he feels ok and it was a beautiful thing. and then patrick started crying. it's akin to that moment when i said, He is my Father, He is my King- and then literally a split second later thunder rumbled. after that i got coffee with wendy. then i went to cathy's to kill things on xbox. and i went home and worked on my quilt which a little um slapdash but it's mostly holding up. though my stiches are inconsistent and sometimes wonky. whatever- gettin'it'done'. but it made for the best day. i made gf blueberry pancakes too. totally epic.

also i'm filling up the back of my trunk with stuff to give away which you know is one of my favorite things to do. things are finally loosening from the hold of stasis and breaking away. things like to hold on. they make themselves invisible. a tableau that says, you don't see me. i am just a part of a picture. it's years difficult to get some things to go. where you look at something. you even pick it up and touch it and think maybe next year. and the triumphant object fades into the distance. meanwhile mom just stares at me unready to have me start packing for her. if i had boxes...

anyway, i also just got this:

Hi there, they have arrived and they are gorgeous! Thanks so much for the extra ones - they shall be stars in a childrens show! all the best Shona (ps I have tried to press some of my own and they are brown crispy blobs so all respect to your skills!)

yea! mmm. validation.

oh and that was the other thing. rachel wanted to see if i could work friday and sunday and i have two prayer/church related meetings. i told her initially till 7 fri and after 1 sunday... but then i thought, i can work around it. change it... but by then it was too late. im a little like, oh idiot! and alternately, um God?  because it is a job. even if the other is an unpaid job. and i don't want to be chasing after money when i shouldn't be. but still.

besides that, korea paperwork- tabbed, labeled, charts made, spending and saving grafts (ok its on a yellow piece of paper with some lines), and to do items...must photo for you. i sent my fingerprints to the fbi. im sending away for my duplicate diploma from CSUN... we'll see. it'll be official if i actually get a job offer. mwah. or speak to my korean recruiter... ?!

whatelse? kitten curled up by the oven.

more quilting. supervising film stuff... trying not to be sick?
m.

penelaissance

So as you know, through texts, pictures and live video conferencing, I endured a veritable Four-Alarm Hair Emergency on Friday. I mean, I’ve been clipping away at my hair like it’s a friggin’ bonzai tree for over 2 weeks now. All stemming from a decidedly hair-brained notion to cut it sort of like Amber-from-Parenthood, who now has her hair blonde, buzz-cut on one side and flippy on the other. She looks completely badass. And had I not made a grave misstep during that first cut, I might have achieved the look. (Sans buzzing. I wasn’t willing to go that far.)

But I didn’t part it far enough to the left. Which was…fine. Sort of. For a minute. After some conferring with pen-friends, I flipped over the part to the right side, and sort of wore it that way for awhile, all the while trimming and trimming, trying to even it out here, or take out a little weight there, or whatever. It never really looked right for two weeks. But I was *fine* with it. Clearly.

Until Friday, on the brink of a full moon and at the height of my apparent Crazy, when I could no longer tolerate that damned right-side part. Killing. Me. So I flipped it back over, parted it where I should have in the first place, and did a little tweaking to make it work. And a little more tweaking. And a little more. Omg.

There’s an upcoming rock-star party in October for J.Lo, hosted by yours truly – well so far hardly anyone is coming, but that’s another post for another day, in which I direct a voodoo curse toward evite. But for a moment I thought I’d be going as Justin Beiber. And then it was like, no – Flock of Seagulls. No, no, no. And then, I thought maybe I had landed myself far, far outside the rock-star circle and directly into 1987 as myself. Which might have been cute, big emphasis on might, back in fourth grade. But it was not a look I wished to revisit, ever, ever, ever again.

Commence Four-Alarm Hair Emergency.

So after a fair amount of frantic texting, some more cutting and pondering and administration of Quaaludes, several hours of my life were literally whittled away and I landed on what I have now. And I am ceremoniously laying down my scissors. Not just because I like it. But also because letsbehonest. There ain’t much left.

Wasn’t I just growing out my hair earlier this year? Hmm.

pinned-up penelope

 

pioneer penelope

 

pondering penelope

 

paradoxically-parted penelope

 

positively perplexed penelope

 

and finally,

forever yours

 

xoxo

 

penelope pixie punk

m

I finally found myself in the Tobacco District with a camera. And it was at twilight.

Penance,

: something (as a hardship or penalty) resembling an act of penance (as in compensating for an offense)

 

On trial: Credit Card debt. Currently hovering at... 16,000. Before I became unemployed (2 1/2) years ago it was at 9,800. Granted I've put taxes on here, some stuff right before I got laid off that I was sure I could pay off, my car insurance... All of that spiked it up there but the padding was provided by meals out, nordstrom rack occasionally, and starbucks and who knows what else. Let's be clear, I've gotten so much better at saying- NO in the last year. But still now the gas is going on there too.

 

And frankly this penance could not come at a better time... as I've finally been cut off from govt. cheese, and CA still has the 2nd worse unemployment rate next to Nevada, and that there are no jobs in sight. Since a job that i actually wanted back in June didn't come through almost precisely 2 years to the day my last job interview didn't come through. And as this preacher said, you Mendacious, do not have control over the recession. No sir, i do not. Which makes me think to that carefree time in the back of that van broken down by the side of the road in Costa Rica and we were all talking about the economy and doing our part to stimulate it before its epic meltdown...But anyway, all that besides, I've wanted to teach overseas on and off since grad school. Japan. Iraq. Taiwan. All have been open to me at one time or another and finally now South Korea. I'm walking through that door i think. It's time. 

 

On the spiritual side you can blame that fast I took in August and a tiny status update on FB and a mere suggestion from a friend-- and honestly it calls to abandon everything i care about- but not in the nihilistic sense, mostly in the God's hand and care and control sense. Which was a bigdeal for me in August... that taking what I want when i want it thing. It also calls for budgeting, goal setting, new experiencing, epic blogging and a trip to southeast asia as a reward when i'm done. That's win/win? I mean if i move to Busan I'm a days ferry ride from Japan...Shanghai China, HongKong, Tokyo... need I say more!? Oh and when i'm done I'll be about 5,000 in debt still... with my options open to me and hopefully no creditcards in sight.

 

Let's think about it. It might just be a good thing.

m.

 

 

The Month of August in Photos Pen,

I'm a little late flying into september already Pen, but enclosed below you will see what was the main preoccupation with August... clearly muffins and kittens. Flaxseed/Apple, banana quinoa and Twist, and marley and one really particularly hot day. Oh and Thorne and a really good rice/bean/cilantro medley...I was fasting and freaking out about finances... i'm much calmer now bcs i think i'm going to korea though none of the paperwork is done and i dont have a contract... still it's going to be a few months... so right now i'm going to , go make breakfast, go finish painting a set, and then to the beach... after that... ? figuring out skype..consolidate balances. getting through this current heatwave so i can make more muffins...

pre-autumn rainy world

books found in the basement

goodness

chocolates. my favorite kind. from a northern chocolatier, which makes them taste even better.

n.lo’s new preschool folder. bright, happy. may his experience there be as such.

k.lo’s kindergarten folder. quickly filling. also bright, happy. full of knowledge. just like her.

candle with epically lovely wax spillage. formed during a viewing of better off dead.

up to season 1, disc 2. this is happening.

latest book club selection. my pick. meeting: sept 16, on the back porch.

stack of unread cook’s illustrated, provided by much-loved relative.

text photo of ew magazine, provided by friend. love exists there. I canceled my subscription, which hurts. but fall tv is coming, and that is good.