Prelude to: The Purple in My Eyes, by M

After procrastinating for about 2 years, I finally was like, yes, lets do something about this whole, I can't lose weight no matter how much I'm working out or eating right thing. I have friends who just automatically assume that I'm eating a lot of horrible things or that I have no idea what healthy food might mean. What is this? A carrot? I reject you carrot! Which I ocassionally do but nothing that should warrant a zero drop in the scale. Considering that when I work out 4-5x a week and am eating right nothing happens. I suppose I don't articulate that well but then its like, sure, right, uh huh, sure you're eating right. Sure you're getting all that cardio in.

So then I go on this volcano trip and I lose about 13/14 lbs. Which is about 2+lbs every week I was gone. What did I eat you ask? What I wanted. I had canned peaches, eggs and bacon every morning, almonds, dried fruit, chicken, broccoli, whatever looked good on the menu- burritos, fries, ocassional burgers even. Granted the pace was so vigorous that my body was no longer able to ignore the fact that I was being active. I came back in better shape. My lung capacity was improved- look out world. Then having acclimated to the vigors of travel I kicked up my workouts. I jogged. I almost got back to my 15min mile pace I had in college (which for me was fast, and when I was working out 5/6x a week). I hiked. I swam. I severely curtailed my addiction to breakfast mcmuffins. 4 months later the scale hovered a little above a little below where I left it. THEN I get a job for 3 wks where I'm on my feet for 8 hours a day, moving here, there, and everywhere, up and down ladders, or just sitting for 5 hours painting grout lines and I lose 3/4lbs. What was I eating you ask? Whatever I wanted. I even every week indulged in chicken nuggets and fries. I ate eggs and potatos and bacon and sausage everyday. I ate chicken, roasted vegetables. Nut and fruit medleys. Ocassional kitkat bar minis and fruit.

There's something obviously about what I chose to eat myself here in the real world that must be sabotaging me. So finally, I after all this time, about musing about my thyroid going haywire or whatever it occurs to me that instead of paying a lab +doctors fee to tell me whats wrong ($400 w/out insurance) then I'll go to this holistic healer person my friend Danica and I know. And see if she knows.

And Danica is one of the straightest shooters I know, so if she's willing to give this whatever it is a try. Then why not.

The Last Days, by M

the last days went by anti-climatically enough. and everything in these pictures literally no longer exists. returned to prop houses, cut up and put in dumpsters... and nothing too much exciting happened. the AD stormed off and quit bcs the DP told her to fuck off and she took 3 of her crew with her. but the next day like a vacuum everyone was replaced. and the production designer told me as he walked by me painting a vase, thats great, then later, no that's too grey... i mean i know its in black and white but still... lets paint it alabaster. ok.

the last night of shooting went long like the nights always did and i left before it was over thinking, ok, see you all at the wrap party and my final check better be in the mail!

over all i give the experience 4/5 stars. a definite win/win and now onto the jobhunt? or at the very least some lazy days in front of the tv.

FTA, by M

Since I've Been Gone, by M

Usually I come home pretty wiped out from the day what with the 10hours of physical labor and what not. Ever since the pre/pro crew left, along with Scully and then the Production crew walked in- the energy shifted and it took some getting used to. It's dark for instance. The usual khaki shorts and black shirts, walkies, lots of shouting to be QUIET ON SET, and I meanwhile get coated in plaster, paint and grime and find myself mid brushstroke, carrying the paint bucket, washing something, walking, drinking and have to PAUSE and SETTLE in while they shoot. Plus I stand out what with the uncleanliness. The swearing is down too and the smoking is solely out of doors though these guys tend to circle and smoke together and bitch about everything...and its a whole different kind of tense. Sort of uptight and responsible and not gruff and manic. Sort of crazy disguised as normal.

But I wanted to tell you the end of the story. I have a week left and its a bit of a grind. The Prod Designer came in today, for instance, and said that I'd tracked plaster into the office and that he'd managed to pick up all the pieces. But after 2 weeks of him complaining, as nice as he is, about tidying piles, catching drips, trash, misaligned things, and order I'm tired of him too.

But the prepro crew, though I can't beat the last story, I have to wrap them up with the following:

Masturbation metaphor: I used to do my first experiments in the lavatory. (guy glances over at me, i'm grinning, they apologize anyway.) Cuz its a lot like "laboratory". Sorry.

Girl scenic help: I locked my keys in the car! A few guys glance up from their breakfast plates and immediately wheels start turning. They infact make her sit down and belay her call to AAA. They ask, what kind of car? She says, Jeep Cherokee. They resume eating. Then suddenly about 4 of them disappear. I wander out later and there is various bits of guy talk about breaking into cars and they seem to be discouraged about their abilities. But a guy named Beano who has a cigar in his mouth, white hair, stocky and had recently said to me as I held a calking gun, I want you to do that to me later. I said, not unless you pay me. He says, you'll do it for free and you'll like it.

He's the man at the drivers door. And holding a long strip of metal they've taken from one of their wood and drywall deliveries. Scully calls AAA and Scenic Girl and a few others walk off. Suddenly there's a pop and Beano says, "I still got it!" I applaud and whistle and the others come back out. He got it?! "Yah I got it." He struts back in and we all get back to work. Scenic Girl is saved a call but now nervous about her car.

Are You A Friend of Bill?: That's what Scully and D- asked me as I stared out at them from the loading bay as they smoked their cigarettes. Scully says, This is my last habit I swear. I shrug my shoulders, now already embodying some sort of moral/social and ethical force of clean living. As they walk in they say, Are you a friend of Bill? I say, No, I'm a friend of Rob. They laugh. They're like, ha! we like that! That's even better!

Not sure what the punchline is but having an inkling I google it and sure enough its urban slang for asking if I'm in recovery... a broad application, first for AA and also NA and whatever recovery type of thing we're talking about addiction wise. Maybe they were taking bets on how squeaky my clean really was. Though most people on set think i'm about 21. It's a compliment yes? but a little bit annoying... and surprisingly a lot of people on set are all 33. And they all say, oh you're MY age. Yes, yes I am, actually.

So,the friend of bill research sort of prepared me for D- and his eyes getting wider, and the hair sticking straight up, and his face beet red come Tuesday. And he can't seem to stand still any longer or take direction, or complete a task and he disappears for hours and the PD keeps asking where is D and i DON'T KNOW. But D when I do see him says, I turned down two jobs for this. I'm hung over. My girlfriend is mad at me. I hate production-sort of clues me into his state of mind so I felt a little bad for him when I saw him slumped over on a 5 gallon paint bucket snoring and dead to the world... but then he disappeared completely and they said he'd been sent home because he stole pills and then I found 6 empty beer bottles behind the paint cans and an empty cigarette pack- but of course with the boys there are always 2nd chances and he showed up the next day, normal and straight, sullen and so over everything. Which I get. I do. It happens. Which is why sometimes you have to leave before last call and the show closes for the night. Even if the PD thinks you're going to stay and work on the castle and you drive home anyway.

Makes me think of the day that Scully slapped me on the ass a couple of times and said, Good job Mama!

And I smile and I wish I was back there with all of them like that. Not in the dark, listening to bad acting and waiting to rust rivets on doors, waiting for it to end or something else to happen or for D to disappear or the PD to complain about the mess or feel bad about my boys working 16 hour days- and finding someway to get a life despite that.

G'nite.

While You Were Gone, by M

It rained. Which is crazy for the end of May into June. A cool rain, and 2 weeks of grey grey days. A reprieve for whatever comes what may. (the blazing heat of summer)(the tumbling down the empty reservoir into drought, perpetual in our arid climbs) and by rain i mean once every 3/4 hours for 5/10min at a time.

I had a dream that I was talking to people in a church and it was empty and i was high up in a balcony with wooden pews and then i was holding onto the side of a cliff as a waterfall shot out as wide as Niagara, to my right. And I craned out and twisted to try and get a better view of the most magnificent sight. As the water thundered, whales and dolphins leaped off the waterfall and out into the vast ocean, out to the horizon. Killer whales, and mammoth blue whales, and grey whales surging out to freedom. When it was over I told the nameless not seen people to help pull me in off the cliffs edge, as I probably better not test my hold for too much longer, as i threaded my hands into what felt like woven together paper. I had a last glance to what looked like a dolphin that didn't make it, and got hit on the rocks, but it was just a tree branch.

Last night I had a dream that I was in some sort of school, or small orphanage in a small faraway place. And whatever had happened none of the other students believed me, and the evil woman who was in charge had one upped me. So i had to run away. While everyone was out, I crawled around gathering my things. And found someone had bought me a new red duffel bag to replace the one I had. And there were notes in it from my friend Brigid, A yellow cross made like snowflakes are made, but on glossy paper, a note from Autumn, and a note from Sarah. I thought how sweet, but was somehow overwhelmed and concerned with bigger things. And then I woke up.

Tuesday I start an art department job on a low budget horror flick. My friends boyfriend Rob called me and I was like who is this rob guy- oooh ROB. Hey what's up? Heck yah i'll take it! Pays the same as this logging job i have now but is only 2.5 miles from my house.

I see a sliver of blue sky.